Chapter Four
Alissa
November 30, Thursday Afternoon
My heart hammered so loudly in my chest that I feared it might burst free at any moment. My rib cage rattled under the sheer power of it. On top of that, my mouth had run completely dry, and my fingers were shaking like crazy. My whole body was a total mess, and I hadn’t even done anything yet.
I cannot do this. I can’t do this at all.
The auditorium felt too big, my clarinet felt too small in my hands, the chair was uncomfortable underneath my butt, and the fact that I was on a stage had sheer terror racing through my body. It wasn’t my first time, but it sure as hell felt like it.
The music stand in front of me was a familiar, comforting sight, but the stern-faced woman and the bored-looking man in the audience chairs negated that entirely. The clipboards in their hands held the key to my future, and I could barely stand it. This was the audition I’d been working towards for the last few months – I had to get it right. Maybe I was putting more pressure on myself than necessary because the opportunities were scarce and few between. I wanted my future to include music – it was all I truly cared about, there wasn’t any other life that I could see for myself – but I wasn’t sure that I could do it. It felt like it was now or never...and I didn’t want it to be never.
“You may begin whenever you are ready,” the man’s voice boomed through the room. He hadn’t spoken loudly, but his voice echoed from every corner, which only sent me deeper into the abyss of panic.
“R... right,” I stammered as a reply.
I clasped my hands tighter around the clarinet, but they were too sweaty to get a grip. The harder I tried to grasp it, the slicker my palms became, and the more impossible the task seemed.
I can’t do this, the doomsday voice in my brain began to taunt me. This was a mistake. I need to go home. But it’s now, or never, I must try at least...
“Miss?” he sounded impatient now, which caused an invisible hand to reach down my throat to grab onto my lungs. There the hand squeezed tighter and tighter until I could barely breathe. I had to suck down to get any air into my body at all. “Are you ready to begin yet?”
I pulled the clarinet away from my dry lips and licked them rapidly. “Let me just...” I flicked the page of my music book, turning through pages that I didn’t need. I knew which song I wanted to play; it was the one that I’d been practicing for what felt like forever. It was the page my book was already on. I just needed to stall for time until I could breathe again. “I’m sorry, I just need to...”
My heart was in my mouth now. I could almost taste blood with each beat. This was too much; my brain buzzed with that knowledge. I should never have come here; this was the dumbest thing that I’d ever done. Of course, these people weren’t going to want me. I was terrible. I could barely play a note. I practiced and practiced, but it didn’t make any difference. I was utterly useless. These people wanted a professional, and I wasn’t it.
“I’m sorry.” I leaped up knocking the music stand to the ground with a loud bang. I felt hot and icy white cold all at once. If I didn’t escape this nightmare, I was going to die. “I have to go. I’m sorry for...”
I grabbed my instrument case and my music book. I didn’t even bother to pack my clarinet away; I simply tucked it under my arm. “I shouldn’t have wasted your time; I’m very sorry.”
My body was in full flight mode; I didn’t even have any control of it. It needed to get away from this building and these people, and that was all that it could focus on. My legs took off at the speed of light, and I happily went with them.
“Well, that was pathetic,” I could hear the hard-faced woman declare as I raced past them. “Honestly, where are all the real musicians anymore?”
I started to make my way towards the front door to get some fresh air, but I diverted myself at the last moment and turned towards the bathroom. The sound of my expensive, well-loved instrument hitting the cold, tiled floor made me cringe, but I couldn’t stop to get it because I had something I needed to get out.
I barely made it to the toilet before the vomit fell out of my mouth and splashed into the toilet bowl below. Everything that I’d eaten for about the past month came up; it was as if the burning, the acidic sick wouldn’t stop coming. I needed to drink some water, to cool my insides down, but I knew that I couldn’t because that would only come back up, as well. The nerves had taken a violent turn, and I needed them all gone.
Idiot! My brain screamed at me as I panted pathetically over the toilet. What the fuck is wrong with you? You’re ugly, stupid, pathetic... Every so often, my brain took on the voice of my mother. Today was that day. Why even try? It’s time to give up; the great education doesn’t mean anything if you’re too pitiful to do anything with it! It was now or never...and you blew it.
Part of me knew that all that negativity was right. I should have been able to tackle that audition; it should’ve been easy for me. It was only for a relatively small community orchestra. If I couldn’t even handle that, I would never be able to join a professional orchestra. That was my dream, and I was blowing it more every single day.
I used to be so much stronger than I was. Where did it all go wrong?
The sound of my phone ringing broke into my thoughts.
It was Elle, of course. She was the only one who knew about my audition, and she probably wanted to know how it had gone. Now I would have to tell her the sad, sorry story, and she would think that I was worthless... Just like everyone else did.
“Hello?” I answered glumly. I was half tempted to ignore her, but I knew she wouldn’t give up. The ringing sound only made me feel worse about myself. I needed to shut it up.
“Hey, Alissa, I just called to say good luck for your audition today.” I almost laughed at that, except it truly wasn’t funny. “Break a leg, blow them away, and all that.”
“I’ve already done it.” My voice was monotone now as if I had no emotion left.
“Oh, sorry. What time is it? You know what I’m like, such a scatter brain. How did it go? I bet you nailed it; you were playing up a storm last night.”
Ah, last night. That magical time when I filled with confidence. I’d thought that nothing could tear me down. Stupidly, I allowed myself to think I could tackle anything if I wanted it hard enough.
“I choked.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean I panicked. I felt like I couldn’t breathe, I felt nauseous, and I just... I don’t know, I freaked. I didn’t even play a Goddamn note.”
“What did you do?” I could tell from her hushed tone that I had her full attention now. Somehow, that made me feel even worse.
“I ran from the room and threw up. I’m still in the bathroom now. I don’t know; it was all such a blur... I just knew I couldn’t handle it.”
“You’re still in the building, right? So, be bold. Go back in there and demand to be seen again. Tell them you were sick, but now you’re much better.”
I pictured that scene for a moment: me striding back in there and demanding that they see me. I imagined me holding my head high and grabbing life by the balls...
But I was still a pitifully weeping mess on the bathroom floor. I didn’t even know if my clarinet was damaged. I just couldn’t face it. Plus, it was far more likely that even if I did work up the courage to get back in there, I’d only fall apart again. I couldn’t go through that again.
“The woman called me pathetic,” I moaned. “I can’t face it. It’s too embarrassing.”
I could practically hear Elle’s brain ticking. She wouldn’t have taken such bullshit, she would have demanded to be treated right, but I wasn’t her. I could never do anything like that.
“Alright, well, I’ll take you out for dinner tonight...or we’ll have a bottle of wine and take out. Don’t let this defeat you, Alissa.” She knew me far too well. “You’re stronger than this, and better, too. Don’t let one setback send you careering into depression.” Oops, that was pretty much what I’d started to do. “Just go home now, crawl into bed or whatever you need to do to make yourself feel better, and wait for me there. I will make sure that you feel better later.”
“Yeah, okay.” Getting into bed was a very appealing idea. I needed to sleep this off, so it didn’t trouble me anymore. “I’ll see you later.”
“Love you.”
“Love you, too.”
As she hung up the phone, I picked my pathetic heap of a body off the ground and set about gathering up my belongings. I treated my items much more gently now, picking them up as if they were made from the crystal as I sorted them out. Luckily there was no real damage to anything – the only good thing to happen to me today.
Don’t let this defeat you.
I tried to focus solely on Ella’s positive words, wanting them to drive me forwards, but the power of them wasn’t circling me just yet. I hated failing; it was the one thing that got to me – aside from my mother, of course – so this hit me hard.
Don’t let this defeat you.
I glanced at my reflection in the mirror, hating the bloodshot look to my eyes. I appeared strung out, on drugs, rather than just emotionally exhausted, which only added to the sadness I had floating through my system.
Don’t let this defeat you.
I sighed loudly, blowing out a big breath of toxic air, and I spun on my heels to leave the room. The fantasy was still stuck in the back of my brain, the idea that I could storm back into that auditorium and demand to be seen once more, but there wasn’t a chance in hell that I’d be able to play my best now. Even if I did, they wouldn’t want me.
Somehow, I needed to find some inner strength. I needed to ensure that didn’t happen again. I had to rid my life of this toxic negativity. I needed to shut those awful thoughts from my brain down. I needed to cut the chip that my mother had left off my shoulder.
I needed to work out a way to be free.
I slunk down the hallway towards the outside, not even a scrap of confidence in my step, and that continued long after the warm air brushed past my cheeks and I could suck in the freshest breath that New York could offer.
Don’t let this defeat you.
Maybe I needed to adopt that as my official motto now.