Chapter Four
Lila (Wednesday)
“Okay,” I muttered to myself as I glanced over what I’d written once more. My heart thundered in my chest as I considered showing these words to my brother because I had no idea how he would react. These were the lyrics I intended to sing at the fundraiser, so I needed them to be perfect.
I kept flickering from feeling like they were to being utterly convinced that they were awful. Only Kyle’s opinion would tell me wither way.
Although the main theme of my song was about hope, I’d also woven love into there, in an attempt to make the song more relatable. Unfortunately, it wasn’t a topic I had any real experience with, so I hoped what I’d done was all right.
Kyle would know more than me. He’d actually been in love once. It was just a shame that Sandra hadn’t felt the same way. At least, not long enough for their relationship to get past the one-year mark.
At ten and a half months in, she’d broken things off with him and moved halfway across the country to pursue her dream of becoming an actress. I wasn’t sure how things were working out for her in LA – I certainly hadn’t seen her in anything – but I hoped she never came back. I didn’t want to see my brother go through that heartache again.
My own love life had been more of a string of disasters. I’d dated a little bit as I hit my late teens, but nothing ever stuck, and that barely-there love life had stuck.
I wasn’t sure if that was my fault or not, but that was a road I didn’t want to go down. I had the horrible feeling that as soon as I started to examine myself, I wouldn’t like what I saw.
Instead it was much easier to blame Baz, Eric, and James. If I focused on their faults, rather than my own, it made me feel a whole lot better about myself. Baz was boring, Eric just seemed too forgetful for my liking, and James and I simply had no chemistry. That was all there was to it.
I walked toward the living room where Kyle was tinkling away on the piano, nerves bulldozing through my body. This whole singing thing was something that I’d never taken seriously before. Actually doing it was more than a little daunting.
Still, the fundraiser wasn’t far away. I had to snap into action; being unprepared was like a nightmare coming true. Being scared was better than having nothing.
“Kyle, do you think you could have a look through this?” My voice was shaking. I was never embarrassed in front my brother; this was weird. He’s seen all sides of me; why am I so afraid of this one?
“Yeah, sure. What is it?” He seemed completely oblivious to my inner turmoil as he took the paper from my hands. “Oh, the song lyrics, cool. You got that done quickly!” I watched his head bob as if he was hearing the lyrics in time with the music, which was great. Reading them straight out would probably make them sound odd. “Yeah, this is good.” He grinned brightly. “I’m impressed. Will you sing it with me?”
“Not yet.” I would sing it with him – I was desperate to see how it sounded to the music properly rather than just in my mind – but there was something else we needed to discuss first.
I’d been trying to bury my head in the sand about it, but our money situation was only getting worse. If we didn’t do something soon, we would end up homeless. Considering not having a real home had been a big part of our lives, I didn’t want that to happen again. “I need to talk to you first.”
“Sure.” He cocked his head curiously at me. “Shoot.”
“Well, I’m just thinking that we need to use the fundraiser to mingle a bit, maybe to try and get you some new piano playing jobs.” I cringed as I said the words aloud because I knew how they made me sound. Still, Kyle had to know that I wouldn’t be saying it if things weren’t bad. “We just need the money. We’re struggling with bills again, and it’s getting a bit overwhelming.”
Panic flooded Kyle’s face, which was exactly what I didn’t want. Any minute now, he’d offer… “Well, why don’t we sell the piano?”
“Because the piano will get us through one month of bills, whereas if you keep playing and you get some more jobs, you can get us through lots of months.” Honestly, it was all I had not to roll my eyes at him. Why do I have to keep explaining this to him? Why can’t he just get it? “You just need to speak to people, try and get some more work.”
“Will you do it with me?” he asked curiously. “If someone wants to hire us both? Will you be willing to sing?”
Oh, God. That thought struck a cold fear into my heart. It was bad enough doing it once. For charity was one thing, but as a career… That was damn terrifying.
“Erm, we’ll see,” I shot back with a strained smile. I didn’t want to talk about this topic; it was already making me feel sick. But Kyle wasn’t about to let it drop anytime soon.
“Look, I know you don’t like the idea of singing in public, but if we do need the money, then you might have to.”
I nodded, understanding what he was saying, but still it scared me. I wanted to focus on only one thing at a time, and getting through this one ordeal was scary enough.
“You might have to just suck it up for a bit, just until we get back on track. I know it’ll be hard, but we’ve been through worse.”
That was our motto, the way we got each other through the hard times. It was just a gentle reminder that things had been, and could be still, a whole lot worse. We were strong, we’d survived so much, we could do this, too. It was just work to pay the bills... who cared what the work was?
“Yeah, sure, okay. Let’s just do this.” I shook my head, trying to rid all thoughts from my mind. I wanted to check that the song fit well; I didn’t want to start worrying about the future, too. It was bad enough that the red bills and fear of having my electricity cut off was keeping me up at night. “Start playing, and I’ll begin singing.”
As I burst into song – well, more trickled into it and worked my way up – I felt my confidence grow. With Kyle grinning at me, nodding happily, my voice grew louder and less shaky with every passing word. I could do this; I was sure I could…
But then it hit me with a crushing blow that it was very different to sing in the privacy of my home with only my brother watching me. Having all eyes on me was going to be very difficult. My chest constricted under the pressure of it, and all of a sudden, I couldn’t breathe.
“I think I’m going to go shower,” I told Kyle quickly. “That was a good practice. For now, I think I just need…”
He seemed to sense the intense pressure racing through my body because he simply let me go without a fight. He could have insisted that we kept on rehearsing until we both felt ready, but he was giving me space. I raced from the room gratefully, desperately needing to clear my own mind.
As I shut the door behind me, I flicked the shower on to hide the sound of my panic behind the running water. I was going to have to get over this. The fundraiser was on Saturday night; that gave me only three days to get my shit together. That wasn’t enough time, but it also didn’t give me too much time to fall apart. Maybe this would be okay, after all.
Growing up, I’d never bothered to have any dreams or desires for the future. All I wanted to do was get through every day. I just wanted to stick by my brother’s side. He was the only consistent thing in my life, and I was utterly petrified about losing him, too. If I hadn’t had him, I probably would have totally fallen apart. I wasn’t sure I would’ve been able to make it through anything.
Maybe singing was all I was good at; maybe I did need to get past my fear and try to make a career out of it. After all, it was unfair of me to expect Kyle to do everything for us.
I did have a part-time job at a diner nearby, but the shifts were sporadic and the boss was kind of a perv. I hated it, but it was the only work I could seem to get. No one wanted to hire someone with a minimal education and absolutely no work experience.
I was going to have to set some goals eventually. Maybe this was it. If I could just get past the fear, then maybe it wouldn’t be too hard.
As the hot jets of water streamed over my head, I tried to force myself to relax. I wanted my muscles to loosen, my head to straighten, but instead, all I could think about was what it’d be like to get up on the stage with everyone staring at me. I’d been told that stage lighting meant you couldn’t see the audience, but I would still know that they were there. I’d still be aware that their eyes were piercing into my soul.
How do people do that? How do people make it their careers to stand up in front of people without falling apart?
I just couldn’t see it, and it drove me crazy. I wanted to be that confident, I wished I could have that natural tendency to just put myself out there, but deep down I’d always be a wallflower. I could tie my long dark hair up into a cool style, I could cover my face in enough makeup to highlight my best features, I could wear something awesome, but I’d still always feel shy inside.
On that note, I did need to find something incredible to wear. I was going to have to practice how I looked. I needed all the help I could get! I didn’t have anything amazing in my wardrobe, but if we couldn’t afford the bills, there was no way I could justify a new outfit. I was just going to have to try and do my best with what I had… the way I always lived life.
I quickly worked out that focusing on my outfit was so much better than worrying about how my voice was going to sound. I enjoyed that worry – it felt a bit more normal – so I ran with it, allowing the anxiety to simply ebb away. Dresses, skirts, pants… I liked thinking about them. I never got to get dressed up for work, so maybe I could find the silver lining on this cloud, after all.
And, I was going to have to look nice if I would potentially end up looking for new work. I needed people to see me as someone they might actually want to hire. If I was going to have to do it, then I needed to do it right.