Chapter Eighteen
Lila (Sunday)
Typical. As I woke up on Sunday morning, feeling right as rain, I was more than a little pissed off. Of course, I wanted to be better – I needed to be for recording tomorrow – but I was disappointed about the way I’d missed out on a day with Xander. It was good for the business that he’d spent time with Kyle and that we’d finally got the contract signed, but I couldn’t help wishing that it’d been different.
I liked him a dangerous amount, but I didn’t even care. I was falling into a terrifying abyss. I could potentially get my heart broken, but I was in too deep to pull away. Even thinking about him made my heart melt and my chest swell. Whenever I was with him, I felt wonderful. Whenever I wasn’t, I missed him like crazy. I was in the first flush of something incredible, and I was buzzing the entire time.
“I feel so much better,” I announced proudly as I joined Kyle by the piano. He stopped playing and stared at me with almost as much happiness as I was feeling. “I’m finally over my cold. I can definitely record tomorrow.”
“Are you sure? We don’t want to push you too quickly.” He was only trying to take care of me, but it wasn’t needed. I knew exactly what I was doing, so to highlight my point, I burst into song.
“See?” I span on my heels and giggled afterward. “Perfect, tomorrow will run much smoother.”
As I moved into the kitchen and flicked the coffee pot on, I remembered the last time we were at the recording studio, when things hadn’t gone so well. I had been so annoyed by my lack of singing ability that day, I’d become so frustrated with myself. But in the end, it’d turned out to be the best day of my whole damn life.
However, I wasn’t sure if I’d be able to face the studio room now, knowing what had happened in there. How would I be able to look at that piano in the same way, knowing what we’d done there? It was going to be difficult. Fun, though. I liked having a little naughty secret just for me.
Well, for me and Xander. How are we going to keep it a secret from everyone else?
“Xander’s awesome, you know,” Kyle announced as I set the coffee down in front of him. “His advice on changing the music to make it my own was fantastic. I didn’t know he played.”
“Oh, I did,” I replied absentmindedly, revealing far too much. I wasn’t even thinking, but of course that was going to leave Kyle with questions. Maybe I’d discovered it when we went out to dinner, maybe another time, but it would open a can of worms, at any rate.
“You did?” He stared at me, a million and one thoughts seemed to be racing through his mind. “Okay, I have to ask – what is going on? I’ve been trying to ignore it, trying to act like nothing’s happening, but there seems to be something between you two. Am I going nuts?”
I sighed deeply, finding myself forced into the conversation I wasn’t yet ready for. Deep down, I knew that Kyle knew and that he just wasn’t saying anything. I wanted it to stay that way for a little while longer, just until I knew for certain what was going on.
But it wasn’t fair of me to keep on pretending. He deserved to know; this affected him, too.
“You won’t be mad, will you?” I asked without daring to look at him. I was giving him my answer without saying anything, taking the coward’s way out.
He didn’t answer me, but he did shake his head a little sharply. I felt awful, guiltier than I had since all of this started. I sat down beside him and finally met his eyes. He deserved an explanation. It was so wrong of me to try and keep things from him.
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done anything, I shouldn’t have acted on my feelings, but I did. I just...” How can I explain this without totally humiliating myself? “I guess I just like him a lot.”
Too much... more than I care to admit.
Kyle threw his arm around me and pulled me closer to him, comforting me. “I get it, I do. I could sense something between you two the very first time you were in a room together. I am a little afraid that it’ll affect things between us, but if things have been going on for a while and nothing’s changed, then it must be okay. You just... be careful, okay?”
I nodded excitedly, taking some very personal relationship advice from my brother for the very first time. He never involved himself in what I did with my personal life, but I did know that he cared. “I will, I promise, and thank you.”
“We have some more news.” He stood up and moved across the room, changing the subject completely. “We got a letter this morning from the recording studio.”
“We did?” I had no idea what that could be about, so I jumped up to see whatever Kyle was holding in his hands. “What is it?”
“A check.”
He handed it to me, and I almost fell backward in surprise when I saw the amount. This was the most money that I’d ever earned in one shot... ever. “Oh, my God, are you serious?” I gasped, gripping onto my heart. “Is this for real?” This could help us a lot. This would solve everything... I couldn’t quite believe it.
“It might be time to finally hand your notice in at the diner.” He shrugged excitedly at me. “You can finally leave that awful job behind.”
“To be honest, they haven’t called me for a shift in almost a week anyway, so maybe I could just... not bother going to them anymore. It isn’t like I have a contract or anything anyway.”
What I didn’t want to admit aloud was that I feared just letting go. If I gave my backup away, I wouldn’t have anything to fall back on if it all went wrong. My hopes were high, I felt genuinely positive about everything... but I couldn’t totally give it up just yet.
“I think we should go out... again,” Kyle teased, nudging me. “Look at all this cash. We can pay all our outstanding stuff and still have enough for breakfast. This is us, finally living the high life.”
“Well, we can’t go crazy.” I did my best to be sensible, but he wasn’t having any of it.
“We’re recording more tomorrow. We’ll have more money coming in. Come on, we’ve both been working so hard.”
“Oh, all right.” Was I so weak that I was giving in again? It seemed so. “I guess we haven’t officially celebrated signing the contract, anyway.” I still couldn’t believe Kyle had taken that brave step. I was so proud of him – of both of us. And, I was grateful to Xander for giving us that chance.
Somehow, somewhere along the line, we’d gotten lucky. We must have been good in a past life.
“You know, I was supposed to be going over to the orphanage this afternoon,” I told Kyle with a massive grin on my face. “But I wouldn’t want to pass on any germs. Maybe we should spend the rest of the day writing lyrics for the music you’ve created with Xander.”
I was eager to get started, happy to get going. I was better now, I felt good enough to sing, and I wanted to jump on that.
***
I fell into bed later that night with a big grin plastered across my face. I’d had an awesome lunch with my brother and an even better afternoon writing music. It was all coming together in the best way possible. The new song we had was awesome – even I could admit that it was going to turn some heads – and the fact that I was growing in confidence felt good, too.
Soon enough, we’d have an entire album ready to go, and that was when our lives would start. That was the moment everything was going to change for the better.
I grabbed hold of my cell phone and glanced at Xander’s number in my contact list with a grin on my face. I hadn’t yet used that number for anything other than business, but I wanted to. I wanted him to know that I was missing him.
Hey, I sent, not sure what else to say. I didn’t want to totally commit to going into the studio tomorrow, even though I knew that I could, just in case.
Hi, beautiful, I was just thinking about you.
Oh, God, he was thinking about me; that was so sweet. How was a man as gorgeous as Xander, with so much going for him, thinking about me? I couldn’t quite wrap my head around it. Still, I wasn’t going to complain.
Me, too. I missed you today. My heart flapped violently in my chest. I felt like I had a coat hanger stuck in my mouth. I was beaming with happiness like an idiot since I was lying alone in my bed.
You have no idea how much I miss you. I can’t wait to see you again.
I almost broke my rule at that moment, I almost text him back and told him that I would see him tomorrow, but at the very last moment, I changed my mind.
Goodnight
Night
I flopped my head back on my pillow and closed my eyes for a moment, picturing the ways my life could now go. Again, my dreams had changed. Now I wasn’t just seeing album covers and sold out tours, I was thinking about love, about having a family...
I had never once ever considered what it would be like to have my own family unit. I guess I always assumed that it’d just be me and Kyle. I never tried to see myself with a husband and a child because I wasn’t sure how to have that. I’d never seen what it looked like. Would I be able to look after a child properly, having never been cared for myself? Was it something that someone like me could do?
I would like to assume that I could use my own negative experience in a good way. But what if it didn’t work out that way? What if I failed? I certainly wouldn’t want any child of mine in any kind of orphanage. I never wanted anyone I loved to have a similar experience, even if it wasn’t a bad one. If I ever did have kids, I wanted them with me all the time. I wanted to shower them with love every minute of every day.
Oh, God, what the hell is wrong with me? One whiff of a guy I liked, and I was imagining my entire future away. I was acting crazy; it was just lucky that he couldn’t read my mind. I would have scared him off in a heartbeat!
For now, I just needed to worry about all the career stuff. The relationship stuff would be much better if I let it happen naturally, hopefully.
I squeezed my eyes shut and tried my best to forget about all of it. I did need sleep if I wasn’t going to fail again. We had a contract now – I didn’t want to screw it up.