Chapter Thirty-Four
Alissa
A Week Later
I stared critically at my reflection in the mirror, wondering if I looked anything like normal. It had been such a long time since I’d needed to go outside that I wasn’t sure how I was supposed to be anymore. If my cupboards weren’t bare of food, I wouldn’t even consider facing the outside world.
But maybe it was a good thing. A blessing in disguise. After all, I couldn’t wallow in sadness forever.
Just do this, head to the nearest store, get something to eat and be done with it. It sounded like such a simple task, so why did it feel so damn hard? It left me a little breathless. You look fine. Jeans and a sweater are a nice thing to wear, perfectly normal.
I couldn’t resist though, I grabbed a scarf and wrapped it around my neck covering up some of my face in the process. It was a comfort blanket, a mask to keep me separate from everyone else. I just wanted to hide away, but that wasn’t totally possible. This was the closest I could get.
In the end, I had to force myself out of the apartment. It was challenging to make my way down the stairs, and as the ice cold, January air brushed past my skin, it stung painfully. But I kept on going because I had to. I concentrated on my steps as I moved because it was easier to focus on them than anything else. If I started to notice the people around me, then I could’ve easily headed into a tailspin.
I picked up the dire essentials in a rush and headed to the till in a state of semi panic. I wasn’t sure how I’d become a virtual recluse all of a sudden, but being out here hurt like hell. I much preferred the surroundings of my apartment.
“That’ll be $40.18, please.”
I paid the man quickly as left the store, but as I moved through the streets, I had a different sensation running through me, one that wasn’t there before. Goosebumps popped up and down my arm, and the hairs at the nape of my neck stood up. I felt like I was being watched. I tugged my scarf tighter around my neck; it didn’t offer me the same level of safety as it had before. I felt sick and worried all at once.
You’re just being paranoid; I told myself crossly. Stop freaking out, start acting like a normal person and get the hell back home.
I quickened my steps, trying to move faster, but still, I couldn’t shake the sensation off. I needed to look up, I needed to brave moving my head off the ground, I had to...even just to block out the idea that anything was going on. Just to put my mind at ease.
I took in one more deep breath and looked around. At first, I was relieved to see no eyes staring back at me, proving that it was only my paranoia talking, but then I found a man. He was looking at me without even being discrete about it. He was staring intently at my face as if he knew me, which was insane because I didn’t recognize him at all.
My breaths became ragged, my heart pounded so fast that I thought I was going to throw up, my stomach churned violently, and a shake consumed me. I could barely even keep hold of my shopping bags. Everything that had come before flooded my mind: Elle, Brad, the bad people that they were or weren’t involved with. Mom and all the terrible people she knew. I didn’t attract danger myself, but people seemed to throw it at me as if I deserved it.
Run! My brain screamed at me. Escape! But my legs wouldn’t move. It was as if they were made of lead and they’d firmly stuck themselves into the ground. Even as the man started walking towards me, I couldn’t go anywhere. I wasn’t even sure if I’d have been able to go even if he pulled a knife out on me. It was like I was a lamb, waiting to be slaughtered by the big, bad lion.
“Hello...” the man started in a slightly confused tone of voice. “Sorry to bother you like this, are you Alissa?”
“I... I am,” I stammered, falling backward ever so slightly. “Who... Who are you?” I couldn’t keep the fear out of my voice however hard I tried.
“Oh, I’m sorry, I’ve scared you.” He slapped his palm against his forehead. “I realize I probably look like a creeper right now, but I’m really not.”
“Then who are you?” I still couldn’t let my guard down. I was in such a mess that I couldn’t relax. He’d probably tell me that he wasn’t a creeper even if he was. If there was one thing I’d learned, it was that no one could be trusted to speak the truth. “What do you want?”
“My name is Matt, and I’m a friend of Cade’s.”
Urgh, that was almost worse than a serial killer. I really didn’t want to spend my first time outdoors in forever thinking about Cade. Everything I’d been doing recently was to forget about him. Why did some stranger have to bring him up when I was just trying to keep to myself?
“I don’t want to speak to you,” I demanded sharply. “I have nothing to say to you.”
“I know that I’ve scared you, but please hear me out. Cade has told me that you wouldn't answer his calls or respond to his messages, so he thought a personal message would be better.”
“So why isn’t he here then?” That made no sense. If Cade wanted to speak directly to me then what was he doing sending his friend? Didn’t he have the balls to come and see me himself? That screamed guilt, didn’t it?
“Because he knew that you wouldn’t want to see him.” Hmm, that was true. “And, he really wants you to get this message.”
“I don’t want to hear any message that Cade has for me, and I don’t have anything to say to him, either.”
Did this guy even know what his friend had done? Would he even be here if he understood? I couldn’t think that anyone would support what he’d done unless they were just as bad themselves. I examined him, I ran my eyes up and down his body, but of course, I couldn’t tell. My judgment when it came to shitty people sucked, so who the hell was I to think anything about anyone?
“It’s just a short message...”
“I am not about to be manipulated by you or Cade.” I pressed my finger into his chest as a burst of anger raced through me. “Just because he sends someone else to speak with me it doesn’t mean that the message is about to get through. I am sick of him trying to make me think he’s a good guy when he’s an asshole. He isn’t what he pretends to be; you must know that as his friend.”
I paused for a moment and watched his face fall. Maybe he didn’t know, after all, maybe Cade was good enough to have everyone fooled. His father certainly wasn’t all perfect, although he wasn’t quite as bad as my mom, so maybe being a secret shit was a family trait.
“I would appreciate it if you didn’t follow me again.”
I turned to stalk off, but before I could make it anywhere, a hand wrapped around my arm. I panicked, my heart leaped up into my throat, and I considered whether or not I needed to scream.
“Let go of me,” I warned. “Please just let go of me now.”
“Just listen to me.” His tone was softer now, more serious. I wasn’t sure why, but that made me twist my neck to look at him again. When I met his eyes, I was shocked to see the soulfulness there. “Please, just hear me out for a moment.”
Every inch of me wanted to scream no, but for some reason, I didn’t. I remained where I was and shrugged at him to let him talk. I would just hear him out then, be on my way. That was all.
“I have been friends with Cade for a very long time, years in fact, and I have never seen him like he is right now. He’s really broken up over you.”
“Well he shouldn’t have done what he did then, should he?” I was testing the guy, trying to work out how much he truly understood.
“He cares about you, far more than the money.” Okay, so he knew enough. “It’s all a misunderstanding, and he really wants to explain it all to you. He just needs some time with you to clear this up. He can make you happy; he’s a good guy – you just need to give him a chance, that’s all.”
I wasn’t sure why, but I could feel my hard resolve crumbling. I’d been building it for days, but now with a few short words, I found it falling apart.
“Is he a good guy, though? Is he? Or did he take money to hang out with me?” I whispered desperately, needing his friend to help me understand.
“Look, I can’t give you all the answers to this. You need to speak to Cade. I know he wouldn’t ever do anything to hurt anyone, especially you purposely. He’s mad about you. I really think that he’s falling for you.”
I pursed my lips and stared up at the sky. This was all too much; I felt it swimming over me and drowning me. I needed time to process this, to think it all through, and to do that I needed to get away from here.
“Is that the message?” I demanded. “Is that it?” My heart was pounding thickly. I needed to get away now.
“No, Cade wants to meet you outside your apartment at 5 p.m. tomorrow evening.” Matt waited for a few moments before speaking out again. “So, shall I tell him that you’ll be there?”
“Don’t tell him anything.” I shook my head rapidly. “I don’t know what I’m going to do yet. Just... Erm, I have to go now.”
I turned on my heels and stalked away from him. Now, even more than before, I needed to get off the streets. I needed to be at home where I could decide what I wanted to do.
On the one hand, Cade was still an asshole, and he’d done something very wrong, but on the other, he was going above and beyond to get in touch with me. Maybe I did need to meet him face-to-face to put an end to this forever. We could decide to put this to bed for now and for always, we could have closure and a much calmer goodbye.
Or we could decide something else. Not that I wanted to think about that now. I didn’t want to get myself all tied up in knots about the idea of us being together again because that felt crazy and way off. I wasn’t sure that I’d ever be able to get over what he’d done. I didn’t think there was any way we could move forward.
Once I got back inside, I flopped back against my front door and slumped to the ground. My shopping scattered everywhere, but I didn’t care. I just needed to work out what I was going to do tomorrow. I needed to work out if I was going to meet him or not.