Chapter Thirty-Three
Terrance
Wednesday
I stared down at the city beneath me, feeling small and insignificant in its masses. I used to look down and feel like a king, but now I felt separate, unwanted, and lost. It was as if the rest of the world was carrying on, leaving me behind with my thoughts. Only, I wasn’t sure what I thought or how I felt. I’d been numb for far too long.
I needed to move, to get myself out of this chair, out of the apartment, and on to something positive. I knew that, but still I couldn’t do it. I just kept thinking, remembering things from my past.
I recalled being seven years old and asking my dad why I didn’t have a mom like everyone else. His face closed over, his eyes narrowed, and I could see the hurt in his face. Still, I never learned who she was or where she was. He didn’t tell me anything. She could’ve been dead, she could’ve been alive, maybe she went crazy or just decided that I wasn’t enough to make her stay. Dad just sent me to my room, where I’d be left in a constant state of wonder, probably for the rest of my life.
I hated having this unsolved mystery hanging over my head, leaving me with absolutely no knowledge of where I came from. But what could I do about it? There was no one left to resolve it.
I had coped. I had one parent to take care of me and a brother who I loved fiercely. One who didn’t seem to know about mother, either. We never wanted for anything, we had enough love to keep us going, and we were okay. Maybe we both chose the life of partying after school rather than taking the rightful place by our dad’s side in the company, but that didn’t change how much I was loved. Even when the business was sold – a decision I could now see was probably to pay off the loan sharks a little bit – we had been a tight knit unit.
Still, not tight enough to let me in on the truth. With anything, really.
I didn’t even know that Dad was sick before the heart attack claimed him. If I had, then maybe I could’ve been by his side when it happened, helping him, maybe even saving him. Instead, he was by himself as he reached the end of his life. Afterwards, the doctors had told me and Mason that he’d been on medication for his heart.
Secrets. So many secrets. That seemed to be the foundation of our family.
Losing him murdered me inside. I felt lost and alone without him, like I was floating through life with no anchor. Mason and I had one another, and we tried to support each other through it, but it wasn’t quite the same. We tried to carry on, but it wasn’t easy. Nothing was as it was. We partied, we had our fun, but the knowledge that our parents were gone hanging between us like a canyon.
Then he was gone, too, killed by those horrible men. I didn’t think that was something that I could ever get over. Mom left or died, Dad died, too, and Mason was taken cruelly, unnecessarily. He could still be here now – his death didn’t ever need to happen. Even thinking about it all this time later, balling my fists up angrily by my side. Red hot anger flamed in my chest. But I simply remained in my chair, staring down at the city below.
The city that felt like my enemy.
It wasn’t fair. Mason should’ve still been alive. He might have been a playboy, but there was a lot of potential there deep down. It was wasted. He could’ve had a life, a wife, a family, a career...
All the things I could still have myself, if only I felt brave enough to reach out and grab it. Why was I so scared, when I was the lucky one? He was gone, I was still here, yet I spent a lot of my time as dead as he was. I went through the motions, I got through each day, but I never really invested in life.
Mason would be disappointed in me.
Knock, knock.
My eyes spun around frantically, my heart hammering in my chest as fear claimed my spine. This could be Morgan. Just because I hadn’t yet gone to her didn’t mean she wouldn’t come to me, demanding answers. That scared the shit out of me, to be forced into a chat I wasn’t yet ready for. I’d understand, but I still would make a mess of things and would end up hurting us both.
“Who’s there?” I called out cautiously, wondering what I’d say if Morgan replied. Would I let her in or send her away, cowardice getting the better of me?
“It’s Braxton, can I come in?”
Oh, thank God! Relief flooded me – I wasn’t about to be confronted after all. “Come in, you have a key,” I yelled in response. I could hear Braxton creeping in, but my eyes were back facing forwards. “You don’t have to knock, you know? That’s why I gave you a key.”
“It feels rude to come in without being invited. I don’t know what you’re doing.” I could feel his eyes prickling on my skin from where he sat beside me. “I didn’t realize that you were going to be sitting out here in the same clothing you’ve been wearing for the last few days.” He didn’t need to tell me that he was worried about me – that much was obvious.
“I know, I just... I can’t be bothered to get dressed. It feels pointless.” I shrugged, trying to act blasé, but I didn’t manage to pull it off at all. “I guess it’s just hard to think about anything else at the moment, I have this massive weight on my shoulders, a thick cloud hanging over my head.”
“Okay, well, at least I know where you are with the baby now. No better off.”
“You know what, it isn’t even that. Not really. It’s more that I’m scared of making all the same mistakes of my family. I’m scared of somehow leaving a child with no parents. I didn’t lose my dad until I was an adult, but it still hurt.”
Braxton turned in his chair to face me dead on, and I did the same. We were staring at one another, both sitting at opposite ends of the spectrum, neither of us fully accepting the other one’s opinion.
“Just remember how bad it feels not knowing your mother, at all,” he said. “I know that gets to you, even if you don’t want to admit it. Even more so now that you don’t have anyone else. Won’t it be worse for your child if you don’t even try?”
“Yes,” I whispered in reply. “Yes, I know you’re right.”
“Morgan knows you’re a good guy; you understand that, don’t you? She doesn’t blame you for this – she understands that it’s just a freak out.”
“So you don’t think that she’s going to hate me forever?” That was a worry of mine, too. The longer I left it, the more I stewed and the worse I knew it was becoming. With every passing second, it was getting harder and harder to speak to Morgan about this.
“Well, maybe not forever,” he teased. “No, she’s a great girl. I think that you’ll do well with her.”
We sat in a comfortable silence for a moment, both of us lost in our own thoughts. I felt a warmth trickling through, me and my shoulders felt a little lighter. It only took a bit of truth from my best friend to have me recognizing the truth. This was much more about my past than it was about my present.
“Do you really think I can do it?” I asked my friend carefully. “Be a dad, I mean. I don’t have any experience or knowledge. I just can’t see it, I’ve spent too much of my life messing around.”
“Yeah, you’ve had your fun, which maybe means that it’s time to settle down. You like Morgan, don’t you? You want more from your life than just this? I know this is a shock, but it’s happened now. It’s time to make the best of it.”
I nodded slowly, drinking all of this in. Now that the shock had mostly vanished, it was easier for the good stuff to creep in and see the positive side of this. As scary as it was, I could do it...probably.
“So, if Morgan lets me, then it looks like I’m going to be a father.” I smiled at my friend, trying to push all more fears to one side just for the moment. “That sounds like news we should celebrate, doesn’t it?”
“Oh yeah.” Braxton’s expression was one of slight confusion at the change of heart. What he didn’t seem to realize was that it had been a long time coming, creeping up on me slowly. “And, what did you have in mind for that?”
“Drinks.” I stood up and grinned, wanting to get dressed for the first time in days. I needed to get out of there four walls before I fully caved to insanity.
“Lights Out?”
“Oh God no, anywhere but. Just a bar somewhere. It’ll be fun, come on.”
Luckily, Braxton was so happy to see me up and about that he would’ve gone anywhere with me. I would make sure we both had an awesome night because of that.
***
“This was a great idea!” Braxton yelled above the noise of the one club I promised myself I wouldn’t go into. “And, thank you for inviting Emily. She really appreciates it.”
I glanced over to where my friend’s girlfriend sat at the bar, waving at us both and giggling as the alcohol got the better of her.
“It’s okay, she’s a great girl. As I said before, I’m glad you have her.”
Although I wasn’t totally convinced that inviting her was my best plan because although they didn’t intend it, but I was something of a third wheel. It didn’t matter how little they tried to touch one another, how small the kisses they shared, my heart ached for a woman of my own. Not just any woman. Morgan.
“Are you feeling a bit better about everything now?” We’d had enough drinks for me to feel better about anything, but that wasn’t what he meant. “I mean, those guys are all dead, your dad’s fortune is protected, you have a lovely woman who wants to be with you, and who’s also carrying your child... There are worse problems you could have.”
“There are. I’ve never ignored that. I guess it’s just harder for me than most to open up than most. But I’m going to work on that. I’m going to make myself better.”
“I never thought I’d see the day where Terrance admitted that he had some work to do.” Braxton laughed and clapped me on the back. “Times really are changing.”
When Emily returned with our drinks, I looked down on the dance floor or Lights Out, feeling nothing for anyone. It wasn’t as busy as it was on weekend nights, but there were still party animals there having a good time. I didn’t care that there were some real beauties down there – that didn’t matter. I couldn’t even see them...the only person I could think about was the one woman who wasn’t here.
Still, I could see her tomorrow. I could make this right. It would be okay, wouldn’t it?
It had to be.