Chapter Six
Alissa
December 2nd, Saturday Afternoon)
Here I was, back out on the streets again. It wasn’t where I wanted to be, but I had to earn my money somehow. As I stood on the street corner not too far from my apartment block, I shivered and fixed my eyes on the ground while people walked past ignoring me. No one could stand to look at me; it was as if I was a social pariah that people didn’t want to accept existed. It was humiliating, but I didn’t have any choice.
You can do this! It won’t be too bad...
I pressed my clarinet between my lips and started to play. I hated busking. I knew it wasn’t how I should be playing my music considering my musical education, but I had rent to pay somehow. It was just about one step from begging on the street, but since I’d messed up my audition, this was what I had to do.
I blended into the background, which seemed to be a natural place for me, and I played my damn heart out. At first, the tunes reflected my mood. They were sad and depressive, but that only sunk me further down. I knew how easy it was to slip down into a hole of sadness, and I also knew how hard it was to climb back out of it. I had to stop if I didn’t want to break down in front of all these strangers.
As I switched things up a bit and I played a much jauntier tune, a few passers-by tossed coins into my instrument case, but still, no one made eye contact with me. It was as if they felt bad for me, which only made me feel worse for myself. I tried to get better for myself than this; it wasn’t my fault this was all I had.
Maybe I am useless; my brain unhelpfully jumped in. Maybe Mom’s right, and I am a failure. Maybe that’s why I screwed up the audition.
No. I couldn’t let Mom’s voice overwhelm me. I needed to stop thinking before the tears fell from my eyes. They were there, threatening to make an appearance, but I needed to be strong enough to keep them there.
“Great playing,” a kindly older lady said to me as she tossed a dollar into my case. “You should be on the stage or something.”
“Oh...th...thank you,” I stammered as a reply. It was nice to be complimented, but in the current state of mind I was in, it felt a little odd. “That’s very kind of you to say.”
“I’m serious,” she smiled up at me. “You have a lot of talent, and surely you’ll make more money that way. This can’t be a great way to pay the bills.”
“Well, no, I suppose it isn’t....”
“Push yourself, sweetheart. You can do it.”
If only that were the case. As she walked away from me, thinking that she’d done me a favor, I watched her leave with my mouth open in shock. I knew all of that; I wasn’t an idiot. The sentiment was nice, but it didn’t sit well.
I couldn’t do any more playing. I’d done about twenty minutes, and I was done. That woman had my emotions flying through my body like a rollercoaster, and I didn’t think I could do anymore.
I bent down to my knees and grabbed my case to put my clarinet back in. I screwed up my nose in disgust when I realized someone had chucked a still wrapped condom in there at some point. How had I managed to miss that? And why did people have to be so disgusting?
“Alissa?”
Oh, wonderful. Someone who knew me was standing behind me while I crouched on the floor at my lowest ebb, holding onto a condom. No wonder whoever it was sounded shocked. That was just a sign of how shitty my day was.
I sighed loudly and forced myself into a standing position. Then I closed my eyes for just a second to block out the world before I turned.
Oh!
“Cade?” I would recognize him anywhere. I had only met him once, at our parent’s wedding, but it was very memorable. He was drunk and flirty, funny, too. He actually managed to make the whole debacle a little less unbearable. I quite liked him at the time, but our paths hadn’t crossed since then. “What are you doing here?”
“Oh, I was just...” He indicated in front of him in a slightly awkward gesture. “Passing through the neighborhood. Is this...where you live?”
“Oh yeah, just over there.” My clarinet case felt bulky in my arms, and I could feel my face heating up. It was almost as if I’d turned into an uncomfortable teenager all over again. “Erm, it’s good to see you.”
“Yeah, yeah. What are you up to? Are you playing?”
“I was, but I’m not now.” I tensed up. The last thing I wanted was for him to ask me to play. I definitely wasn’t ready for that. If he did, the sorry event at the audition would be nothing compared to this. “I’m finished for the day. Just, erm...”
“Did you want to come for lunch?” he jumped in suddenly. The way his eyes widened, it was almost as if he didn’t expect to say that. “Is there anywhere good around here? My treat.”
It sounded awkward. I could imagine it’d be uncomfortable, but I did get on well with him at the wedding. Maybe once we got past the weirdness, it wouldn’t be too bad. It’d be nice to have someone on my side in the family, too. “Yeah, sure. There’s a diner at the end of the block; we could go there.”
“Sounds perfect.”
Luckily, it wasn’t too far because it was a little bit awkward as we walked towards the diner. Neither of us really knew what to say to one another, and there was only so many comments that we could make about the weather. It’s cold; there’s a chill in the air, you can tell it’s getting close to Christmas...
But once we sat down, I could almost feel the weirdness melting away. “It’s good to see you,” I announced bravely. “It’s been a while now.”
“Yeah, I know.” He gave me a crinkly smile, and my heart leaped up into my throat. He had a real tall, dark, and handsome thing going on. It wasn’t usually the sort of thing I found attractive, but Cade was striking. I stared at him for just a moment too long before I realized how crazy I probably looked. “So, what have you been up to? Playing music, I assume.”
“Yeah, a little bit.” I felt defensive as I said that. I even folded my arms across my chest. “You know how it is.”
“Nothing too serious, then?”
“Erm, no.” The sense of failure washed over me once more. “Just this and that. I would love to be in a professional orchestra or something, but I don’t think I have the confidence.”
“You don’t? But I’ve seen pictures of you performing big concerts when you were at Julliard.” Had he? Maybe my mom had some somewhere. I suppose he could’ve seen them online, too.
“Yeah, well, I don’t think I could do that now. That’s why I’m aiming for smaller gigs at the moment... I’m just not quite getting there.”
I smiled thinly at him, hoping that would be the end of it. I had already opened more than I usually did, but Cade seemed to have many more questions for me.
“So, you lost your confidence at the end of college? I wonder why that is.”
Because of my mom’s constant insults, because of the whole bullshit with Luke, because I’m not good enough...
“I don’t know,” I lied blandly. “Just one of those things, I suppose.”
“It isn’t always easy, is it? I’m having a bit of trouble myself.”
“You are?” As I looked at this well-turned-out man, I couldn’t imagine him ever struggling with anything. “Really?”
“Yes, I told my father that I want to take six months out to discover my real passion. Of course, he wants me to work at the Stone Group.” Hmm, not that I ever really thought about it, but I suppose that was what I imagined him doing, too. “I just don’t want to join in the family business. I want to follow my own path. I don’t want to owe anything to anyone.”
I felt a deep connection with him when he said that. He was floating through life, searching for something, just as I was. I knew where my passion lay, but I didn’t know what to do about it; he was searching for what made him happy. That made me blurt out my next statement without even thinking about it.
“I just want to be able to afford my own rent every month. I hate having to ask for it.”
“My dad doesn’t mind,” he leaped in far too quickly, which made me wonder how much he knew about my financial affairs. “He’s helped me out a lot, too.”
“Oh yeah, right. Well, it isn’t like I’m looking to be loaded or anything. I just want to be comfortable. I don’t like the way money changes people.” Words were flying out of my mouth at a million miles an hour. I wasn’t even sure what I was saying anymore. “It, erm, makes people greedy, doesn’t it?”
“Oh, I guess. I don’t know too much about that...”
At that moment, the waiter came over to take our order. I was glad for the distraction; it took away from the weirdness around money. Cade must have worked out by now that my mom was only with his dad for the money. I didn’t want him to think the same about me. I just wanted to survive, that was all.
As I ordered a burger, and Cade went for a hot dog, I decided, probably unwisely, to remind him that we did get along once.
“At least the food here will be better at the wedding, won’t it? I don’t even know what that was! It was all green and mushy.”
“Oh...yeah.” His expression darkened, and it hit me that this wasn’t a good thing to say. “The wedding, right. Yeah, the food was horrible.”
His expression was blank. It was almost as if he couldn’t remember sitting next to me, at all. I knew I was forgettable, but for some reason, that really hurt. I could feel my self-esteem issues floating to the surface again, and I shut right back down.
“Erm, we should hang out more, don’t you think?” Cade flipped up and down like a yo-yo. I didn’t know where I stood with him. “Especially while our parents are away. It’ll be nice to get to know one another.”
That seemed really out of the blue. It had been years, and he hadn’t even expressed any interest in hanging out with me in the past. Now, he seemed desperate for it, and I wasn’t sure why. I felt like there might be a puppet pulling his strings, but I wasn’t sure who. It couldn’t be my mother; Cade wouldn’t go for that.
I cocked my head to one side as I tried to work out what his angle was, but it didn’t become clear. Maybe it was all in my head, my paranoia speaking on my behalf.
“Yeah, sure.” I nodded and pulled out my cell phone. If anything, I was very intrigued to know more. “That sounds good.”
As he typed his number in, I wondered if this would be the last time I ever saw him or if it would be the start of something new. I wasn’t sure which one I wanted it to be, either...