Chapter Twenty
Lila (Thursday)
I bolted up in a state of panic, with terror coursing through my veins. My heart was thundering, crazily pounding in my chest, and there was nothing that I could do to calm it down. My mouth was dry with fear, and a tremble raced up and down my spine. I felt sick, there was nothing that I could do about it – this was the most terrified I’d ever been.
I couldn’t do it. There was just no way that I could do it. What the hell was I playing at? Had I gone insane? I was a fraud who shouldn’t even have been in the music industry. I was acting, playing a role, and that would soon come to an end. If I couldn’t think of lyrics to this last song, which I couldn’t, then I was going to lose my dream.
And even worse than that, I was about to wreck it for Kyle, too. He’d done his part; he’d written his music. This was all on me.
Shit, shit, shit.
I felt a total mess, with everything crumbling inside of me. If I didn’t talk to someone soon, I’d drive myself insane.
I jumped up and paced the room, biting down on my fingernails while trying my best to get my thoughts in order, but I couldn’t seem to do it. I hated to be so selfish, but I needed my brother right now. Kyle was the only one who could help me, so I tiptoed into his room and perched on the end of his bed.
“Kyle?” I hissed, shaking him gently. Maybe he wouldn’t be in a deep sleep, then I wouldn’t have to feel guilty for waking him up. “Kyle?” Okay, maybe I was shaking him a little harder now, but the desperation was clawing away inside of me. “Kyle, help me; wake up, please?”
“No,” he groaned, shaking me off. “No, what?”
“I’m sorry, Kyle. I hate to do this. Please wake up.”
Finally, he blinked his eyes open, and as soon as he saw my panic-stricken face he sat up a lot straighter. “What? What’s going on? Is the place on fire?”
“No, no.” I shook my head, all the thoughts jumbling up in my brain, confusing me even further. “I’m struggling. I can’t find any lyrics to this last song, and it’s driving me crazy. What am I going to do? What if I can’t do it? What if... What if everything falls apart because I can’t think of anything to write about?”
He sighed deeply and grabbed my arms with both hands. “You are doing fine,” he insisted calmly. “You are doing well with the song writing. Don’t put so much pressure on yourself. This is all new and scary to both of us, but we’re managing it.”
He was right, and my breaths were becoming a little calmer. Somehow, Kyle was dulling the icy terror racing through me. “Okay, okay, you’re right.”
“Just do what you’ve been doing all this time. Use your life experiences to influence your music. Maybe... Maybe even what’s going on with you and Xander...”
I felt like this was his way of fishing to see how things were going, but I wasn’t about to go into that just yet. “Yeah, maybe you’re right.”
There were lots of things that I could write about Xander. I’d just have to try and do it in a discrete way so he didn’t directly know that it was about him. I didn’t mind if he suspected. In fact, I’d like that, but I didn’t want to come across as crazy and stalker-ish. I was doing quite well at keeping the true depth of my emotions under control, and I didn’t want to ruin that.
“Okay, well, I’m gonna go back to bed. Thank you for this morale-boosting chat. I’ll see you in the morning.”
As I stood up, I smiled awkwardly at him, but Kyle didn’t even notice. He’d turned away from me and was practically snoring again. I was a little annoyed that it only seemed to be me who was plagued by insecurities, but I supposed if we both felt that way, we’d drag each other down further.
I moved quietly out of the room, planning more rest, but my eyes were too wide open and my brain racing. There was no chance of me sleeping. What I needed to do was try to write. I needed to try to get some of my thoughts down on paper before I lost confidence again.
I sat down at my desk, grabbed a pen and a piece of paper, and tried to go with the positivity flowing right through me. Words would come; I just needed to let them. I had to stop blocking my own creativity. I just needed the words to flow.
This was going to be good...
***
I felt groggy as hell as I lifted my head up from my desk, realizing that at some point, I must have fallen asleep on the paper. As I glanced down, there were still no words written down. The page was still frustratingly empty. I could’ve cried in despair.
How was I still failing so hard? What the hell was wrong with me? Why wasn’t my fling with Xander enough to inspire some words? At this rate, I was going to end up with nothing.
Still, I didn’t want to give in. I didn’t want to crumble just yet. I didn’t usually cave to pressure, and I certainly wasn’t prepared for this to be the first time. I was down, struggling under the intensity of this situation, but just like I always did, I would dig down deep within myself and find some strength. How hard could it be?
I stood up, desperately searching for some determination. If writing wasn’t working for me right now, then I needed to hunt for inspiration instead. I had to find something to get the juices flowing, and considering I was desperate to see Xander anyway, this was the perfect excuse.
I grabbed my cell phone and hit dial before I could talk myself out of it. I needed to see him, to give me some ideas of what to write about. Since I had absolutely nothing yet, I couldn’t see any harm in spending time with my muse.
“Hello?” he answered sleepily. I glanced frantically at my clock, realizing that I must have woken him up.
“Oh, God, Xander, I’m so sorry. I didn’t realize the time! I’ll call you back later.”
“No, no.” I could hear the smile in his tone. “No, I want to talk to you. What’s going on?”
“Would you like to hang out today?” I felt so embarrassed. What the hell was wrong with me? Why didn’t I think before I acted? “If you aren’t too busy?”
“Oh, well, I have a meeting today, but I would love to take you out for dinner later.” I adored the way that he seemed to want to spend time with me. I’d never been needed before, I’d never felt so desired, and I was absolutely addicted to that feeling. I found Xander absolutely intoxicating.
“That sounds amazing, thank you.” I glanced toward my wardrobe, wondering what I could wear if Xander took me out again. It might be somewhere just as fancy as that Italian place, and I needed to be dressed right. There was no way I could wear what he had sent me again, much as I was just looking for an excuse to wear it. It’d be humiliating to be seen in it by him again. “I would love that.”
“Okay, I’ll pick you up at eight.”
As we hung up the phone, I started to panic. I didn’t have anything suitable to wear, I just knew it. I didn’t have to get something as fancy as the red dress because there was no way in hell that I could afford it, but I would feel much better in something a little dressier than the crappy old stuff I already owned.
It was crazy, absolutely insane, but I wanted to go shopping again. I felt excited by the idea, rather than purely terrified by the prospect of spending some money. Now that we were out of the red and had some cash to spare, I wanted to treat myself. Maybe this was me losing sight of where I’d come from, maybe I was already teetering into diva territory, but I wanted to look good for Xander.
I was going to have to beg with my brother again. Kyle was going to hate me.
“Kyle?” I said cautiously as I stepped back into his bedroom, waking him up again. “You know that you’re the best brother in the whole entire world, right?”
“What do you want?” It didn’t take a genius to work out that I was after something. He narrowed his eyes, but luckily, I couldn’t see any genuine anger there.
“I want you to come out with me today. I know you hate it, but I’d love for you to come shopping?” I was asking a lot. I knew that he wouldn’t want to, but he was such an awesome brother that I had the feeling he’d do it anyway. He was just that good to me. “I have a date with Xander later, and... Well, you know how much I’ve been struggling with the new song.” I felt bad about using a guilt trip and blaming it on the writing, but hopefully, it would work.
“Ugh, do I have to?” he pleaded with me. “I mean, you know that I will, but... do I have to?”
I cocked my head and gave him puppy dog eyes. I needed him. I didn’t want to do this alone. “Please?”
“Fine, just give me a bit to get dressed and we’ll go.” He shifted his way out of bed, being amazing as always.
“I love you.” I kissed the top of his head. “You’re the best brother ever.”
***
I wasn’t lying when I told Kyle that he was amazing. He was. He stuck by me all day, without complaining for even a second. He sat with me in the nail salon, chatting happily with me. He waited outside the changing rooms while I tried on a million things. And, he didn’t mention money even once.
He was amazing. I knew what I had in him, I was acutely aware how lucky I was, and I wanted him to know it.
“You’re so awesome,” I told him happily as we got back to our apartment. “You have no idea how grateful I am. I couldn’t have found an outfit nearly as good without you.”
“Well, you better make the best of this date,” he insisted, with a mock severity. “I want this song to be the best damn thing that you’ve ever written.”
“Oh, it will be.” I was filled with positivity once more, convinced that I could write the best song ever. After all, I had amazing source material. Xander made me feel the kinds of things that I wanted to write about. I just needed to find a way to get the words in the right order. Once I got going, this would be easy. “Trust me, this is going to be the best song in the world.”
And lucky me, I got to have the best date in the world beforehand. I just hoped the outfit would be enough. It was only a swing skirt and an off the shoulder top, and it didn’t flatter my shape nearly as much as the designer dress did, but it would be good enough. I’d find a confidence in it somehow.
Nothing was going to get in the way of tonight.