Chapter Thirty-Four
Morgan
Thursday
I stood anxiously outside the hospital, knowing that today was the day. I couldn’t put it off any longer. It didn’t matter what was going on in my personal life, I simply had to tell work that I was having a baby. Not only was it my duty, but I had to ensure that my maternity leave was intact. Whatever happened next, I needed that time to get used to being a mother.
“Are you okay?” Nickie burst through the front door and gave me a curious look as I stared like a mad person. “You ready to come in? I’ve made you a coffee.”
“Oh yeah, thanks.” I had to keep my head screwed on if I was going to get through this day without making any stupid errors. Mistakes could be fatal in my line of business. Maybe it would be better for me to get this stupid meeting over and done with sooner rather than later. “Come on, let’s go in.”
As we walked into the break room, I was relieved to see that no one else was there. “So, I still haven’t seen Terrance,” I admitted sadly. “I guess he decided against the whole being a parent thing.” I tried to sound casual and uncaring about this, but the way it was eating me up inside shone through regardless.
“Oh God.” She clutched at her chest sadly. “I’m sorry, Morgan, I don’t know what to say to that. I really didn’t think this was going to play out this way. Even when he came in here, I assumed that eventually he’d see sense. Maybe there’s still time.”
“I’m not holding out any hope.”
“Maybe...” She pursed her lips, her face reddening as a thought raced through her mind. I leaned in curiously, trying to work out what it was in her brain. “Maybe this isn’t the right time for you to have a baby, if you know what I mean.”
“What are you suggesting?” My hands fluttered back down to my stomach, horror nailing into my heart. “That I get rid of my baby?”
“I don’t mean it in any kind of horrible way, I just think that... Maybe this isn’t the right time, seriously. You have your job, no...no man, no real money. It’ll be harder for you to find someone as a single mother...”
“But not impossible,” I snapped back angrily. “And, I hardly think that I’m going to be interested in finding a man with a newborn baby in my arms. Plus, plenty of people have careers and little money and still manage it. I will be fine. I would much rather raise my child alone than that.”
“I’m really sorry,” Nickie insisted sadly. “I don’t mean to be a dick or sound like your mother, I just want you to know that you have options. I won’t judge you, whatever you decide. I just... I want to be here for you.”
I took her hands in mine and gave her a careful smile. “I’m sorry for snapping. I guess I’m just scared about all those things you said, but I’m trying not to think too much about it. I don’t want to panic about having no money, or worrying about how I’ll continue on with work, I just want to finally get excited. Terrance isn’t around, that much is obvious; so now it’s time for me to look forward to my baby.”
Nickie’s hand automatically reached down to my stomach, too, her hand softly brushing against my skin. “I know it is,” she replied quietly. “I’m sorry if I offended you. I keep forgetting that there’s a real child underneath all of this. I get so wrapped up in the issues surrounding this pregnancy, it’s hard to remember that there’s beauty at the end of it.”
“I know, me, too. But there is, and soon it’ll all be okay.”
As I spoke those words, I really tried to believe them. I was certain that everything would be alright, that I’d eventually sort it all out, but the fear would just not shut up however much I begged it to.
***
I shifted in my seat, the terror now much more obvious. I could barely remain still for long enough for the HR woman to join me, no matter anything else.
“So, I understand this is a workplace issue?”
God, why couldn’t I have gotten Rae? She was so much easier to talk to than Dani, whose stark appearance matched her personality. She took everything just that little bit too seriously. “Erm, well not exactly. I... I’m...having a baby.”
“Oh.” Her eyes widened in surprise, but she didn’t comment further. “Okay, so we will need to organize your maternity leave. When is your due date?” I counted back on my fingers, trying to come up with a rough estimate. “Have you not been to see a doctor yet? Have you had an ultrasound? The due date should be written in your notes...”
“Actually, I haven’t seen anyone yet, but I will. Erm, I’m due in May sometime, but as soon as I have an exact date I’ll let you know.” I just wanted to get out of the room. I could almost feel the walls closing in on me. “Now, is there anything else you need?”
“Just doctor confirmation, then we can start arranging cover and maternity pay.”
“Right, thank you.”
I stood up, scraping my chair as I went, and I took my jelly legs outside. Once I got into the hallway, I practically collapsed and rested my head against the wall. Maybe that didn’t go as badly as it could’ve done, but I still felt like it had stripped me bar and, left me raw. In just a few short words, I had laid myself bare on the mahogany desk belonging to human resources, and now I felt exhausted because of it.
Especially because I knew what was to become. Gossip, rumors, whispers. HR had to legally keep the information to themselves, but these things always had a way of trickling through the crowds.
Right, I thought, determination flooding through my brain. Get this day done, then everything will be alright.
I forced my feet forwards and my mind to circle back around to what I had to do today. Now that I had that horrendous weight lifted off my shoulders, I could get back into work mode. I needed to. I wasn’t on leave quite yet.
“How did that go?” Nickie whispered, catching up with me.
“Not as bad as I’d expected.” I shrugged and continued walking, trying to shake it off. “So, what do we have to do today?”
***
The day was a tough one, my weary body barely wanted to comply, but I just about managed to get through it. I did bloodwork, which meant I could spend most of my day off my aching feet, but the mental weariness was the hardest thing of all. Everything tired me out, and there was no escaping that.
As I grabbed my jacket from my locker, I’d never been so relieved in my life to be able to put the day behind me. I couldn’t wait to lock myself inside, to hide away from the world, and to just rest.
“Did you want to go out to eat?” Nickie asked, wrapping her arm around me. “I know you’re tired, I can see it in your eyes, but it saves cooking.”
“Yeah, I suppose you’re right; that sounds nice.” I smiled as I spoke, but the joy didn’t quite reach my eyes. “Thanks, Nickie, you’ve been a great help.”
“Well, actually, I need some help from you, too,” she admitted coyly. “I have a date this weekend, and I need your advice.”
“You do?” I practically shrieked gleefully. “You kept this one quiet.”
“Yeah, well, it hardly seems like an issue compared to what you’re going through, but I assume you could use the distraction, too.”
My heart fluttered happily in my chest as we made our way out of the hospital. It would be good to think about something else for a change, and I felt certain that as soon as I finally got Nickie speaking about her date, I’d never hear the end of it. Absorbing myself in the life of someone else was exactly what I needed after that day.
“Oh my God.” Nickie’s hushed tone dragged my attention towards her eye line. “I can’t believe it. Terrance is here – just when you thought you would never hear from him again.”
At first I melted, wonderful images filled my mind, a great future that could maybe happen, before I quickly steeled myself. I needed to shut the gooiness out and build my walls back up again because there was a chance of him shutting me down forever more.
“Yeah well, it might be a case of too little too late,” I replied a little too snarkily. “I don’t even know if I want to speak to him now.” I was lying through my teeth of course, but Nickie didn’t need to know that.
“You better, though; you don’t know what’s going on here. This could be good news, after all. Maybe you should just give him a minute.” She tenderly touched my arm and smiled at me. “I’ll meet you in the diner, okay?”
My heart squeezed tightly in my chest as I made the dreaded steps towards him. I had to keep my eyes fixed on my feet just to ensure that they were still moving. My terrified breaths flitted in and out of my mouth, a sharpness hitting the back of my throat every time I did.
“Morgan, do you mind if I talk to you?” Terrance’s voice was uneasy as he stuffed his hands into his pockets looking like a scolded school child. That could only be bad news, otherwise he’d look happier, wouldn’t he?
“Yes, okay.” As I looked up and my eyes finally hit him, I could see a rough edge to him. He either looked hungover or very stressed and tired out. I couldn’t decide which one I wanted it to be. “What’s going on?”
“I, erm... I think we need to talk about our situation.” Situation, perfect – just the way every woman wanted their pregnancy described. “But I don’t think it’s a good idea to do it here, do you? I think what we need to do is maybe have dinner tomorrow night?”
I wanted to ask if dinner was essential for the charade, but I didn’t bother. In the end, I simply nodded to agree with him. We needed to come to some sort of agreement on this, and privacy and polite conversation was the best way to do that. “Okay sure, do you want to come to my place or should I come to yours?”
“Yes, come to me, please. Whenever you finish work.” His eyes weren’t fully focused on me, which I could only assume was a bad thing. If he wasn’t looking at me, he didn’t want me to see what was in his gaze.
“Right, well, I’ll be over at about eight p.m. then. That should give me enough time to...to get home.” And get ready, and prepare myself for the scariest meal of my life.
I didn’t want to hear any more, the tears were pricking at my eyes and I really didn’t need Terrance to know how hurt I was, so I spun on my heels and stalked away before he could leave me. I couldn’t watch him get into that car and drive off, leaving me even more alone and confused. The only thing I truly needed to walk away with was some form of dignity.
Just think about Nickie, talk to her about her date, I insisted to my brain, trying to switch all the negativity off. Don’t worry about Terrance, that’s a problem that can be dealt with tomorrow. I shook my head, trying to forget about it all. No need to worry at all.