We’re cuddled on the lounge suite, just embracing each other. We don’t know when we’ll be able to hold each other again, so we’re making the most of it. He’s gently stroking my hair as I hear music playing in the distance. But I’m not listening to that, I’m in the moment and I’m right here with Danger where I need to be.

“So this is it. I won’t see you before we leave, will I?” I ask.

“No, I think we fly out before you, and there’s so much to do before we go. I think this is all we have, sugar.”

“I’m going to miss you, so much,” I say and he swallows and caresses my cheek.

“I know. I’m going to miss you too, but I’m going to call you as soon as I land in California. It’ll be a while though ‘cause obviously it takes longer to fly to America from Scotland than it takes you to get back to London.”

“Yeah, I don’t care what time it is, just ring me and I’ll answer. I want to know you’ve landed and are home safe. I can’t wait to make a trip out to see you and meet your sister.”

“One day, sugar, one day.”

“Do you really think this can work?” I ask and his smile falters slightly.

“Honestly, I don’t know, but we can try. I’ll try for you, Ella.”

I hope so. Long distance is hard for anyone, but Skype and having your own jet at your disposal can make things a little easier.

“Do you think you will be able to come and see me in a couple of months?”

“Hopefully, I’ll try my hardest, okay?”

“So, just to be clear. Are we officially a couple right now?” I ask hesitantly.

He looks into my eyes and smiles. “Yes,” is all he says, but it’s all I need to hear.

We’re together, and that’s all I need from him is his commitment to me. Knowing he will only be with me while we’re trying this long distance thing is the clarity I was hoping for.

“I really care about you.”

“I know, sugar. I really care about you, too.”

“I don’t know how I’ll be able to manage without you around,” I say as my chest starts to tighten and my eyes start to well up. The realisation hits me that these are our last moments together.

“You’ll be okay and you can contact me whenever you need to. I will get back to you as soon as I can. I promise, Ella. We’ll try to make this work.”

“Doesn’t mean I won’t miss you, though.”

“I’ll miss you too, I’ll miss these,” he says running his thumb over my lips. “And I’ll miss these.” He moves his hand to cup my breast. “I’ll miss this for sure,” he says moving his hand down and grabbing my arse cheek and pulling my body flush with his on the lounge as we lay down. “I’m going to miss all of you, Ella,” he says and then leans forward kissing me softly. I can’t help it as the tears softly roll down my cheeks. I’m leaving soon to go back to the UK without my American boyfriend, and it’s hurting like hell. He pulls back and looks at me, wiping my cheek with his thumb chasing the tears away.

“This sucks,” I say and he chuckles.

“Yeah, it does,” he replies and pulls me to him. The beat of his heart against his chest is pounding ferociously and I feel it strongly as it beats in time with mine.

“I hate goodbyes.”

“I’ve never had to do one. This is all new territory for me, and I can tell you now I don’t like it one little bit.” I move my hand to his hair and look into his eyes. There’s a spark shooting between us, the spark that’s always been there. He feels it, I feel it, we’re defined by our connection. That’s why this has to work.

“Do you have to go back to America? Could you come to the UK for a bit?” I ask and Danger exhales and closes his eyes like he’s in pain. He opens them again and his eyes are full of longing.

“I wish I could sugar, but I have commitments. Things I need to do. I want to come and stay with you, but the band has a press tour and I need to see Mouse. I haven’t seen her for six months, and I need to go home to my own bed. You know what I mean?”

“I know what you mean, no harm in asking, though,” I say even though I’m completely deflated.

“But I will come and see you soon, I promise.” I nod and blink rapidly trying to stop the burning tears from falling. It doesn’t work. They slide down my face again and he wipes them away as they fall.

“I know this is hard. Trust me, I’m hurting too.”

“I just wish we lived closer, you know?” I say and he nods.

“Me too.”

We cuddle in silence for a while longer and just be with each other. We know our time is limited, but neither of us wants to be the one to make the move to break this up. I’m cuddling into Danger and I’m so comfortable with him in his arms that I almost forget that any minute now we’ll have to separate for God knows how long.

Bang. Bang. Bang.

“Danger, Slayed are nearly finished their set thought you’d want a heads up. You have about two minutes before they get off stage, sorry to interrupt just thought you should know,” we hear Ryan call out from the other side of the door.

“Shit,” I say and detach myself from Danger and sit up.

“Thanks, Ryan,” Danger calls out.

“No worries, dude.”

Danger sits up and we both stand. I look at him and feel my traitorous tears about to fall again. We’ve spent the last half an hour just cuddling and being with each other. Just being near him was all I needed, and now our time’s up I feel completely lost. I start to get dressed and so does Danger, we’re both quiet and saying nothing. I don’t think there’s anything left to say, we’ve said everything. We’re going to try this, we want it to work. So we’re both on the same page. I pull on my top completing my outfit and turn to Danger, who’s buttoning up his jeans. He looks at me and puts out his hands in a gesture for me to go to him. So I do. I embrace him tightly, sniffing, as my tears pool at my chin. He cradles me to him and his chest is heaving seeming like he’s having trouble keeping it together himself. He rests his cheek on the top of my head and we hold each other while I gently cry into him.

“I’m really going to miss you,” I say and he holds me tighter.

“I’m going to fucking miss you like crazy, sugar.”

His words both makes me happy and miserable at the same time, and my tears turn to sobs as he holds me tightly. I hear the music stop and the roar of the crowd letting me know our time is now over.

“This isn’t the end Ella, I promise,” he says grabbing my chin and forcing me to look up at him. I stare into his eyes and they are glistening. I swallow and nod as he leans in pressing his lips to mine strongly and kissing me like there’s no tomorrow. I wrap my arms around his neck running my fingers through his hair. His hands splay across my hips holding my body to his as they grip me hard.

“You have my heart, take care of it,” I whisper against his lips. He kisses my bottom lip and nods. “I guess I better go before Dad notices me missing,” I say.

He frowns and holds me tighter. “Just one more kiss,” Danger says and then kisses me again. I open my mouth letting his tongue slide in. His piercing grazing against my flesh sends a shiver down my spine, I’m really going to miss this. We kiss until there’s another knock at the door.

“Slayed’s on the move, man. Hurry the fuck up,” Ryan calls out.

I swallow hard and break free from Danger and look down at the ground. “Call me when you land in, Cali,” I say and he reaches out grabbing my hand making me look up at him.

His eyes are brimming with unspoken words, I just don’t know what they are. “Just remember you’re mine, okay?”

“And you are mine.”

He leans in and kisses me quickly grabbing the back of my head and forcing our lips together one last time as my heart races so fast I feel faint.

“Bye, sugar,” he murmurs against my lips.

“Bye, Danger,” I whisper.

He gently lets go of my head and lets his hand drop releasing me. We stare at each other and another tear falls down my cheek, I wipe it away and turn to unlock the door and open it.

“Ella, wait,” Danger says and steps up to me and closes the door.

I turn and look at him. He’s breathing heavily and looks like he’s really hurting. My tears are flowing freely as his chest heaves. He tucks some hair behind my ear and caresses my cheek.

“I just needed to look at you one more time, commit you to my memory,” he says. I half smile and lean in and kiss him softly but quickly.

I turn and open the door, then turn back to look at him. He’s frowning and I feel like my entire body is shaking and a sinking feeling erupts through my chest, but I know I have to do this. I know I have to walk away.

“You have my heart,” I reiterate and he nods placing his hand over his heart. I wipe a fresh tear and start the walk down toward the Staked green room. As I walk away from Danger, every step I take feels like impending doom is surrounding me. I know we said we’d try, and I know he said this could work. So why do I feel like we’re destined to fail, and that was the last time I will ever see Danger? I cry into my hands as I make my way to the green room and try to compose myself. The others will be in there, and if I go in crying they’ll want to know why. So I need to put on a brave face. I need to pretend like my world didn’t just end. I need to pretend I’m okay…somehow. Danger and I can try and make this work. He said he will call when he lands in California, and I’ll be desperately waiting for that call. I wipe my face and swallow as hard as I can. I see a mirror in the hall, so I check myself over and I look like I’ve been crying. I pull my hair in front of my face and walk into the green room. Everyone’s on a high, except for Annie, so I go and sit with her. She won’t notice me anyway. I sit down and Chad walks past and stares at me. I swallow hard, as he frowns but keeps walking leaving me to fend for myself.

“So you all did amazing on your first tour guys. You should be so proud of yourselves!” Mum says as she walks over to me and Annie and sits down next to us. “You guys, okay? You’re both quiet?” she asks and I nod and Annie grunts. “Right, just tired then?” she asks and I nod again trying to hide my face and Annie nods too.

Mum huffs and shakes her head. “Annie, I’m so worried about you,” Mum says wrapping her arm around Annie and pulling her to her side for a cuddle. Annie doesn’t react in any way, and Mum looks at me.

“You sure you’re okay, Ella?” Mum asks and I swallow trying to hide the ache in my voice.

“Fine Mum, just tired. I want to board the jet and go home.”

“Okay, I’ll get your father ready and then we can start getting ready to head home, hey?” I nod and she smiles standing up and walking off.

“Why have you been crying?” Annie asks.

“Umm…I haven’t,” I say combing some hair over my face.

“Ella, I’m your sister, I love you. I know I suck at the moment, but if you want to talk to me, you know I’m always here for you, right?” Her words make me want to cry all over again. I nod and she pulls me into her for a hug.

“Thanks, but really, I’m okay.” I know how down Annie is right now about Aston. He and Amber have been getting closer and closer on this tour, and I know it’s getting to her, so I don’t want to add to her stress.

“Okay, well, if you need me I’m here,” she says and pulls back tucking my hair behind my ear and looking at me frowning. It’s nice she cares, but I’m not going to burden her. This is my secret and I’ll burden it alone.

 

***

 

I’m boarding the jet to fly home. Well, we fly back to London and then we have a driver take us back to Oxfordshire. I’m still miserable, and Danger has already text messaged me a couple of times before he had to board his flight back to California. He reassured me that we would be okay and that he would miss me. He said watching me walk away was the hardest thing he’s ever had to witness, and he hated it. That made me feel a little better about the whole situation.

As I climb the steps onto the jet, Chad is behind me and I’m quieter than normal and having Chad near is unnerving me.

“Hey, are you okay? You looked like you’d been crying in the green room before and you’re quiet now, do you need a shoulder?” I look at him and raise an eyebrow slightly confused. He smirks and nods. “Hey, just because you don’t want me doesn’t mean I won’t be the friend you need me to be. I will always be here for you Ella, no matter what happens between us, okay? I don’t want what happened in the hallway of the hotel to come between us. I don’t want us to end up like Annie and Aston.”

I smile and nod. For someone who’s such a big kid, he can really act like an adult when he wants to.

“I don’t want it to come between us either and I really don’t want to lose our friendship. I was sure I had,” I say and sit down in a seat.

Chad sits next to me and shakes his head. “No way, chutney, you might have dented my ego, but you haven’t even bruised our friendship. I’m always here for you, and I can see you’re hurting and I’m here if you need me. If you want to talk or if you simply just want someone to sit with you to pass the hours of the flight. Either way, I’m not losing my friend over this. You mean too much to me, Ella.” I smile and take his hand in mine and that undeniable spark is there again. I ignore it and lean my head on his shoulder and he rests his cheek on my head.

“Close your eyes, hoisin sauce, rest and recover from a turbulent six months. Just relax and let me comfort you, okay?” he says squeezing my hand tightly.

“Okay, thank you, for being so…um…you.” I turn up to look at him, our faces are so close together it’s unnerving. I feel his hot minty breath on my skin and I swallow as he looks into my eyes and nods.

“Anytime Ella, close your eyes,” he says and I rest my head back on his shoulder and close my eyes welcoming the much-needed sleep I’ve been craving.

 

***

 

Suddenly I’m shaking and jolting in my seat and I’m startled awake. I look up to see I’m still on Chad’s shoulder and there’s a line of drool down his shirt.

“Oh shit,” I say wiping at his shirt.

He looks down and laughs. “Don’t worry about it, I like it when women drool all over me.” I shake my head and sit up cocking my neck to the side and then to the other. It’s a little sore from being on such an angle while sleeping on Chad’s shoulder.

“Why did the plane shake like that?” I ask still not fully awake.

“We just landed,” he replies.

“Oh, really? That went quickly.”

Chad laughs. “Yeah, well, you slept for the entire hour and a half flight, so it would go fast for you.”

“Did you sleep?”

“No, I just watched you sleep like some creepy stalker,” he says making me laugh for the first time in hours.

“You’re so weird.”

“Yeah I am.” He wraps his arm around my shoulders and pulls me to him kissing my head.

“Okay guys, you’re clear to depart,” Tamara the air hostess says. I cuddle into Chad a little longer before he lets me go. He kisses my head once more and then stands up. I stand up too and then he turns to face me.

“Don’t be a stranger, okay?” he says pulling me in for a hug and the warmth flows over me, he feels like home. He pulls back as Sia and Dingo walk past.

“C’mon kid, let’s get you and your brothers’ home. The twins are exhausted,” Dingo says as he drags Chad’s two ten-year-old brothers along behind him.

“Talk soon,” I say to Chad as he walks off behind his mum, who’s ushering his brothers off the jet. He smiles and waves and then just like that Chad is gone and the warmth I had filling my whole body has gone with him and I’m once again cold and lonely.

Mum walks up to me and smiles. “So Chad, huh?” Mum says and I raise an eyebrow at her and tilt my head.

“Huh?” I ask and Mum chuckles.

“No nothing, I just think it’s great that you two are such good friends. I love that you’re so comfortable with each other.”

“Yeah, he’s great,” I say as Annie and Dad walk up to us.

“Ready to go? We have a long drive ahead of us, and I don’t know about you, but I need my bed,” Dad says. I nod and turn to depart the jet.

 

***

 

We finally arrive home in Oxfordshire at about four in the morning, after all the travel time and leaving late after the final concert in Glasgow last night. I’ve spent all day in bed thinking about how I left Danger, and then spent the entire plane trip cuddled up to Chad. I know Danger would have hated that, and now I’m feeling terribly guilty about it. I know Danger is still travelling, but I should be hearing from him anytime now. It’s close to one in the afternoon and it takes nearly eleven hours to fly from Glasgow to Los Angeles, so he should have landed an hour or two ago. I’m hoping to hear from him soon, considering he promised to call when he landed.

I roll over in my bed feeling more tired than when I went to bed last night and my phone starts to vibrate. I roll back over quickly and see it’s Danger calling. I smile and quickly swipe the screen to answer the call.

“Hey,” I say.

“Hey, babe. I’m so sorry I haven’t called sooner, I hope you weren’t worried,” he says and I want to say ‘yeah, I kinda was worried’ but I don’t.

“No, it’s all good. Is everything okay?” I ask and he exhales.

“Yeah, it is now I’m talking to you. It’s been crazy. First the flight was delayed, and then when I got to the baggage claim they’d lost my luggage. Then to top it off, when I got into the taxi to call you my phone battery died, so I had to wait till I got home to call you. With all the delays, it made me two hours late. I kept thinking that you’d be worried that I’d given up on us already and I swear I haven’t, it’s just been so crazy. I haven’t slept and I’m so fucking hungry, and yeah so it’s been a mess. But I’m talking to you now, so I feel better at least.”

“I’m sorry all that happened to you, all while I’ve been sleeping like a log. I feel bad,” I say and he chuckles.

“Oh, sugar, don’t feel bad. It’s my luck, this kinda stuff always happens to me. Only this time I have you to make it all better at the end of the day…or the start…or whatever. I’m so tired.”

“What’s the time there now?”

“Umm, just gone five in the morning.”

“Oh wow! You need to go to sleep.”

“I need to talk to my girl first, so I can get a decent sleep. How was your flight?” he asks and I tense up thinking about me cuddling into Chad.

“Uneventful. My flight was so short compared to yours. It was hardly a flight at all really.”

He laughs. “Yeah true. God, I miss you already. I wish I could smell you, and just hold you in my arms right now. My bed would look so good with you in it.”

“I miss you, too. So I never asked, do you live on your own?”

“Yeah, how did this never come up? No, I live with Ryan, but he’s hardly ever here. He’s such a social butterfly.”

“Oh, that’s cool.”

“Oh, I forgot, my sister rang while I was at the airport, that’s why my phone went dead. She’s getting married,” he says and I can feel the excitement oozing from his voice.

“Oh really, that’s so exciting!”

“It really is. He’s a decent guy and I really want Mouse to be happy. And if she can make a relationship work then anyone can,” he says. I smile so wide because that obviously makes him think that we have a fighting chance.

“Oh Danger, that’s so exciting, I’m so happy for her and for you!”

“Yeah, it should be great,” he says. All of a sudden I don’t know what to say, so I don’t say anything and there’s a short awkward silence. I swallow hard as the distance is starting to show already.

“So, anyway, I should probably get some sleep. I’m dog tired.”

“Yeah, okay, no worries. Well, thanks for calling, and have a great sleep.”

“Sorry I couldn’t call earlier, you know I would have if I could have, right?” he asks sounding like he’s worried I don’t believe him.

“I know, Danger. It’s fine, I understand things happen. You called me in the end, that’s all that matters.”

“I’ll call again soon, okay?”

“Okay, I can’t wait,” I say and he chuckles. “Sleep well.”

“I’ll try, jetlag’s a bitch,” he says and I giggle.

“Yeah, I’m lucky, don’t have too much of that.”

“Mmm, lucky lady. Okay, I’m going. I miss you. I’ll dream of you. Good night, sugar.”

“Goodnight, Danger,” I say and then I hear him make a kissing noise which makes me laugh.

“Did you just make a kissing noise?”

“Yeah, I thought it would be sweet.”

“It was, thank you.”

“Okay, eyes closing, good night.”

“Night,” I say, then I hear him hang up the phone.

I take a deep breath and roll onto my back. He’s such a sweetie when he wants to be. I open up the photos on my phone and look at the images of Danger and me. I keep scrolling through the pictures when one of me and Chad pops up and my heart flutters. I miss Chad and talking to him on the plane about us still being friends was a big thing for me. I still want his friendship, and I want to make more of an effort to be there for him.