My ears are ringing and I feel hot all over. The sound of the music playing through the speakers in the green room is suddenly bringing me back to reality. ‘Please Don’t Say You Love Me’ by Gabrielle Aplin is coincidentally playing in the room, and as I listen to the chorus about not being able to say you love someone back, it makes my head spin at the thought that Aston has said this to me.

Why the fuck would he say something like that?

“Annie?” he asks making the ringing in my ears stop as he forces me to look at him. “Annie, please say something.”

My eyes fill with tears at the utter betrayal I feel toward Aston right now.

How could he do this after something so special?

“Annie did you hear me? I love you,” he repeats.

It’s like a switch goes off in my brain and I can’t even concentrate on anything anymore, other than the gurgling in my stomach which is making me want to be sick.

“Annie!” he demands and I finally break free and look at him. He’s watching me intently and with worry lines all over his face.

“Why?” I whisper.

“Why what, Lennox? Talk to me?” He lifts his hand up to caress my cheek. I stand up and back away from him. My heart is breaking and my stomach is twisting so violently that I have no idea how to calm it down.

“Why would you say that?” I whisper as he starts to walk over to me.

“Why would I say I love you?” he asks sounding confused.

“Don’t say that, Aston,” I say and take a step back from him wrapping my arms around myself for comfort.

“What’s going on?” he asks and I shake my head as the barriers break through and the tears start to fall down my cheeks. He rushes across and wraps his arms around me.

“We shouldn’t have done this, it was a mistake,” I say shrugging from his grip.

He takes a step back and watches me looking completely confused and upset. “Jesus! I did hurt you, didn’t I?” he says while I walk further away from him.

“No, but this was a mistake. We shouldn’t have done this.” Tears fall hard now. He swallows a lump as his eyebrows crease and he steps forward toward me.

“This was not a mistake, Annie. Talk to me, tell me what the hell is going on in your head right now?” he asks storming forward and wrapping me in his arms so tightly I can’t escape.

“Let me go. Don’t touch me,” I say struggling in his grip. My heart is racing so fast I can’t even think straight. I throw my hands around and push him off me and he finally lets me go and takes a step back. I lean forward and slap him hard across his face and he stands there holding his cheek and staring at me like he has no idea what’s happening. But he did this, he’s ruined everything with his lie!

“Annie, I’m sorry. Did I make you do this too soon? Did you want to wait?” he asks trying to find the reason for my sudden change of demeanor.

“No. I was ready and it was wonderful, but then you had to go and ruin it with what you said. I can’t handle lies, Aston, not from you,” I whisper and wipe the tears from my cheeks. I feel physically sick and I just need to get away from him. I trusted him to never lie to me, and he just did, and that’s what’s hurting me so much.

He leans his hand out and grabs mine. “Lennox, you’re freaking out. We didn’t do anything wrong—”

“No, I didn’t do anything wrong. You did! You lied Aston, you lied to my face and I don’t deal well with liars. Liars are normally cheaters too and I can’t trust anything you say. So just stay away from me from now on,” I say and turn toward the door.

“What the fuck, Annie? Tell me what the hell you’re talking about because I’m not following. Was I too rough? Did I hurt you? I’m so sorry, I was trying to be gentle. Is it because of the blood? I’m sure that’s normal, Annie. Please tell me what I have done wrong so I can fix us—”

“Us? There is no us to fix Aston. We’re done! Now leave me the hell alone.”

“Annie, of course, there’s an us. What the hell are you saying? If you wanted us to be over then why are you so upset about it? Annie, for fuck’s sake just talk to me!” He rushes over and holds my face hard within his hands for me to look at him. I close my eyes before I can see into his bright blue mesmerizing eyes and fall right back into the trap. Where I believed that my best friend, my boyfriend, and band mate, would never lie to me. But he did, and the damage has now been done.

“Let. Me. Go!” I spit out and he leans in kissing my lips taking me by surprise. I falter and kiss him back.

“I love you, Annie, with everything I have. Let me make this right.”

I pull back from him and suddenly reach out slapping him hard across his face again, but this time so hard it actually really hurt my hand.

“Fuck Lennox,” he says stepping back and as I turn around. I notice the door is open and Danger is standing there gawking.

“Annie. Annie, stop! Don’t you walk away from this! Don’t walk away from us. Annie… please,” Aston begs as I wipe the tears from my face and walk toward Danger to get out of his room.

“Annie talk to me!” Aston pleads and as I look back I notice a tear fall down his face.

I let out a sob and keep walking.

“Do you need me to beat him up for you, lemon?” Danger asks as I reach him and I raise my eyebrow at him.

“Lemon?” I ask wiping my tears.

“Your sister is sweet like sugar, but you’re sour like a lemon. That’s your name, and by the fight I’ve just witnessed between you guys, I think lemon suits you just fine,” he says and I scoff and push hard into his shoulders. He moves slightly, but not very much taking on the full brunt of my force.

“Annie, please tell me what I did,” Aston pleads walking toward me.

“You’re a lying sack of shit, Aston Soulding, and besides the band I am cutting all ties with you… forever!” I yell back at him and he frowns and I think I see him stop breathing. His shoulders slump and his bottom lip trembles.

“You don’t mean that, Annie. Tell me you don’t mean that,” he says rushing forward. I step out of the room just as Danger grabs Aston by his collar and stops him.

“Put me down, prick,” Aston says and then looks at me. He’s crying now and the thought of him upset is crushing my insides, but what he’s done to me is far worse.

“Want me to let him go, lemon?” Danger asks and I look back at Aston and wipe my nose with the back of my hand and shake my head.

“Don’t let him go, but I have to. Goodbye Aston.” I turn away and start walking.

I can hear Aston calling out for me, but I can’t understand what he’s saying and he definitely isn’t coming after me. Danger has seen to that. Maybe he does have a nice side to him. I walk down the hallway cradling myself and crying so hard I can’t actually see in front of me. All I’ve wanted over the years is to feel love from someone, and that isn’t possible. Love from Mum, Dad and Ella, well that’s different, even Caleb, but they’re all family and that is different than someone loving you because they don’t have to. I might be twisted in my way of thinking, but in my eyes no one can truly love me. I wasn’t worth keeping. Even the people who made me didn’t even want me, so how could anyone else? That’s why I know Aston lied. Because no one can love me that way, and hearing him lie to me after everything we’ve been through just makes my head ache. He said he loves me. Well, I know that’s not even possible, and if he can lie to me about something that huge, then what else can he lie about? I just don’t see how I can trust him. The saying goes, you can’t trust anyone to love you if you don’t love yourself. Well, I hate myself, so that proves my point even further that Aston Soulding is a lying sack of shit!

I find my way to a kitchen and sit down at the bench and run my hands over my face. I’m sure I have mascara runs all down my cheeks by now. I hear a noise and I turn to look at the fridge to see Ella coming out with a platter of fruit.

“Oh, hey sis, are you hungry too?” she asks not looking at me, but walks over and sits down placing the tray on the bench in front of us. “Great show, hey?” Ella asks chirpily and I burst into full blown tears. She finally looks at me and then rushes to my side and wraps her arm around my shoulder.

“Oh Annie, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” I choke out through sobs.

“Right, yeah, I can see that. Who upset you? Can’t be Dad because he’s on stage that only leaves Aston. Do I need to castrate him?”

“You sound like Dad,” I whisper and she pulls my chin up and my hands away from my face. She winces and pulls me in for a hug.

“Talk to me, Annie. I’m your sister, let me help you.”

“It’s Aston,” I say and she nods and raises an eyebrow.

“You guys have a huge fight? Must have been big to make you this upset.”

I bite my bottom lip preparing to tell her everything. “We ah… we kinda—”

“Spit it out, Annie.”

“We had sex,” I whisper and she opens her eyes wide.

“Oh, was it terrible?”

“No, it was wonderful—”

“Then why are you crying?” she asks looking like she’s slightly amused by me.

“Because it’s what happened after that ruined everything.”

“Did he hurt you? Did he use you for sex, Annie?”

I shake my head. “No. He… he said… he loves me.”

Ella rubs my back and there’s a long pause before she speaks again as she consoles me. “Umm Annie, I’m a little bit lost. Shouldn’t you be happy that he loves you? Don’t you love him?” she asks and my heart flutters and my stomach flips.

“I… I don’t know. I might, but that’s beside the point. He said it to me and I know it’s not true.”

“Annie I’m lost,” she says and I exhale and wipe my nose with the back of my hand.

“I thought you of all people would get it, Ella. How can someone love me? My parents didn’t love me enough to keep me, so how can anyone else?”

“Well, me, and Mum and Dad love you and you’re okay with that. Why is Aston loving you any different?”

I groan and throw my hands in the air in frustration.

“Because you, Mum and Dad have to love me. You have no choice. Aston has a choice. Who would want to love me? I’m broken. I’m moody. I’m angry. I’m selfish. I’m not even pretty, and I’m boring as hell. So why? Tell me why the hell would Aston actually love me, huh? He doesn’t, and he’s lying to try to make me feel better, but it backfired because I can see straight through his lie. Why’d he have to lie to me, Ella? Why?”

“Annie, I think you’re seeing this all wrong. I know Aston loves you and he really does care. I’ve known for months Annie, and it is the real deal. He isn’t lying about it because you are worthy of love. Don’t bring your fuckhead birthparents into this, Annie. I know that’s what you’re doing. You think because they didn’t love you no one will or can. Well, I call bullshit, Annie… I call bullshit!”

I roll my eyes. “You don’t get it. I thought you would be the one person who would understand, and now I just feel like I’m completely alone. Maybe it’s better this way.”

“Annie, you’re not alone. You never were nor will be. We are all here for you. Even when you’re freaking out and losing your shit for some bullshit reason because you’re actually scared of letting someone love you for you. Let Aston in Annie. Don’t push him away, because you did that last time and you were miserable until you finally got together. And without him you’ll just be miserable again, but this time he might not wait around for you to realise,” she says and my heart constricts on itself and then pounds ferociously.

“I can’t be with him, Ella. I just can’t do it.”

She rubs my back and cuddles into me while I sob. “Shh, it’s okay. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. But just think about this, okay? You and Aston have been blissfully happy for a year, a whole year, just over actually, and you’re going to throw it all away because you’re scared—”

“I’m not fucking scared!” I yell at her.

She winces and shakes her head. “I’m just saying that maybe you need to try and get to the root of the reason you’re so upset right now.”

“I know why because he lied about loving me and now I can’t trust him. Bottom line, we’re done,” I say and stand up to walk off.

She grabs my arm and pulls me to her embracing me tightly. I give in and hug her back as I sob into her shoulder. My legs give way and we both slide to the floor and she holds me to her while I mourn the loss of my best friend and my now ex-boyfriend. How I am going to cope seeing him for the next six months as a band mate? I’m not sure, but right now I need to let all of this emotion out and then I can think about where to go from here.

The door to the kitchen opens and we both look up to see Mum standing in the doorway looking around the room. I hide myself into Ella’s shoulder, so she doesn’t have to see me like this.

“Girls? What are you doing?” Mum asks and I can hear her walking over to us. I sniff and wipe my face quickly, so she can’t see I’ve been crying.

“Oh, you know, just girl chat,” I say trying to sound as happy as I can, but unfortunately it came out all nasally.

She looks at us and Ella stays quiet as Mum sits down on the floor next to us. “Annie,” Mum says. I look at her hesitantly and bite my bottom lip to stop it from trembling. “Sweetheart, Aston came and found me. He looked terrible and said he had upset you, but didn’t know how or why other than you ending things with him. He’s very upset sweetheart, and I can tell by looking at you and the fact that you’re on the floor that you’re upset too. So why don’t you tell me what happened?”

“I can’t Mum,” I reply and she exhales and swallows hard.

“Did you and Aston take your relationship further than you wanted?” she asks hesitantly.

I look down at my lap and don’t say anything.

“Annie, if he forced himself on you, or if he—”

“He didn’t force himself, Mum. I was into it as much as he was,” I admit.

Mum takes a deep breath and swallows hard. “Okay, so am I correct in thinking that you and Aston have slept together tonight?” she asks.

You’d think I’d be embarrassed, but I’m too darn depressed to even feel that emotion right now. So I simply nod.

“Okay, and were you safe?” she asks and I nod. “Well, that’s good. But honey why are you so desperately upset? Do you regret it?” she asks and I shake my head.

“No Mum, it was wonderful and he was such a gentleman. He was perfect and so caring and he made sure I was okay the entire time…” I drift off.

She furrows her brows. “Then sweetheart, why are you so upset?” she asks and I start to cry again. “Oh Annie, please talk to me.”

I look up at her and decide to tell her the truth. If anyone understands my brain and how it works it’s Mum.

“Aston told me he loves me, right after we…”

Mum smiles and squeezes my hand in excitement. “Well, that’s fantastic baby girl—”

“I knew you wouldn’t get it either!” I murmur under my breath.

Mum looks at Ella while I close myself down again.

“She thinks she isn’t worthy of Aston’s love because her birth parents didn’t love her enough to keep her, so why should anyone else love her?” Ella says and Mum sighs and shakes her head.

“Annie, my dear sweet, lovable Annie, so many people love you and you know that. You don’t have a problem with us loving you, or do you feel like you’re not worthy of our love either?” Mum asks as I see a glimmer sparkle in her eyes like she’s becoming upset.

“I’m not worthy of anyone’s love, but you guys have to love me it’s the rules.”

“Please tell me you don’t believe that?”

“Mum, I think Annie has lost the plot,” Ella says and I glare at her.

“Not lost the plot Ella, but possibly lost her way a little. Annie I love you. Not because I have to, but because you’re the intelligent, beautiful, colourful, energetic, enthusiastic, bright spark of my life, and I love you for all those reasons. You make my life better simply by being in it, and not because I have to love you as a moral obligation because we are family. Sweetheart, I know you have trouble dealing with the issue of your birth parents, and I know how much you think you weren’t worthy of them so they left you. But Annie did you ever stop to think maybe it was them who weren’t worthy of you?” she asks and I gasp at the feeling of my heart thudding so fast I want to puke.

I hate talking about my birth parents. I hate them, but I also want to know them so bad, and because of them I screw up everything in my life and I haven’t even met them. I shouldn’t let their actions rule me, but they do. Suddenly I’m angry.

“I wish I was never born,” I scream and pull at my hair trying to get the ache in my chest to stop.

“Annie, stop pulling your hair,” Mum says pulling at my hands to make me stop pulling. I fall to the floor and cry hard. I can’t hear anything other than my loud sobbing and the thudding of my heart in my ears. I’m burning red hot and shaking all over. Right now, I wish I could die. I start to feel my world slip away…

 

Oh, music heaven, if there is such a plane. Please come down and take me from this God awful place! I need to not feel anymore. I need to be numb. I need to not exist in this realm. Please lift me up into the place I love most, and let me be in this dream-like state forever. Up here nothing feels bad, everything is good and I need to feel good right now because every inch of me is screaming in pain and I just need it to end.