Growing up as a young boy with a single mother was always tough. And I have no doubt that my mother loved me with every fibre of her being, but just because you love your son doesn’t make you a saint or for that fact, a good mother. My mum Macy was far from the angel she tried so hard to have everyone to believe she was. I was young, about seven when everything fell to shit. I was sick – really sick – terminally ill, and my mum thought it was time for me to meet my father. Well, that little interaction should’ve been all rainbows and unicorns you would’ve thought, but my angelic mother had no idea of the shitstorm that was about the hit our lives when she went looking for my father - Colter Slade. So, before I can tell you about my present, I have to tell about my past.

Being terminally ill was something my mother didn’t cope with well. Seeing me sick all the time, made her so upset she couldn’t function most days. I was a quiet kid, and I had just one friend. Indica Malone. She was always there for me, even through my illness. I had kidney failure, and I was dying. Mum had no option but to find my father, because she wasn’t a matching donor.

She never talked about my father when I was young. All I knew was that Mum said we were better off without him. He was living the life he was supposed to while we suffered in squalor with no money and hardly any food. Mum worked as much as she could, but when I got sick, she had to take care of me and that made money even tighter. Though I was young and quiet, it was hard to see Mum going through it all alone.

Making contact with an old friend of hers, who was also an old friend of my father’s, Mum made a decision to seek out where my dad was living. Her name was Jessi, and apparently from what I’d heard, Jessi loved the idea of Mum finding my father. She was ecstatic over it, actually. If I didn’t know better, I’d say that Jessi had it in for my father. So we drove to Oxfordshire from London. An hour and a half journey for a seven-year-old, let alone a sick seven-year-old was hard work. Little did I know the absolute heartache this trip would bring not only me but my ‘father’ and his wife Lia as well. We pulled up at the massive house and someone opened the gates to let us in. The manor was huge and surrounded by high fences so no one could get in. I was in awe of this gigantic place. I’d never seen anything as beautiful, or big. Our house was tiny and dark, and I’d lived there all my life, but comparing it to this place, well, I wanted to stay here and never leave.

We pulled up and got out of the car. I was feeling weak and tired, but I tried to keep up with Mum as we walked up to the front door. I didn’t really know why we were here or what for, but Mum said to stay by her side. Once we arrived at the front door, a beautiful lady was standing there. Her name was Lia and she was a little defensive. I didn’t really understand what they were talking about, all I knew was that Lia was upset. Then a car pulled up in the driveway and two big men stepped out. One looked terrified and the other was watching the terrified one. Mum was smiling. She knew the terrified one. He came over and was also defensive toward Mum. Mum told me to go and play with the cute little dog, so I did, but I was close enough to hear what was going on. The terrified man was my father, and he didn’t know about me. Lia was devastated. They were only just married and I could hear her crying loudly. She was so sad and it made me upset to think that she was rattled because of me.

Eventually, Lia left and went upstairs and then Mum called me inside with the terrified man. Mum said his name was Colt and that he was my father. He was really nice and even though he looked really sad and kept looking toward the staircase, he made me feel welcome and I liked him instantly.

His house was awesome and I loved it and wanted to stay. When Mum said it was time to leave, I didn’t want to go. This man was my dad and I knew nothing about him. I was too shy to ask him anything, but he gave me a hug when we left and I felt a bond instantly with him. He was nice and I was happy he was my father. I just didn’t understand why he wasn’t around until now.

Mum told him I was sick and that I needed his help. He had to be tested to see if he was a match, and he said he would be willing to try. We left and all the way home Mum was so excited. She said he hadn’t changed and she was glad she was able to find him. She said something to me that I’ve never forgotten.

“That man is going to change our lives, baby boy,” she said.

And oh man, was she right!

I felt sorry for Lia. She seemed lovely and I couldn’t understand why she was so upset about it all. Of course, now that I’m old enough to understand, I completely get it. Colt had a love child with his ex, and Lia had no idea about me. Neither did Colt to be fair and having that thrust upon you when you least expecting it is hard to take.

I know now that just before me and Mum showed up, Lia and Colt were trying to have a baby via surrogacy and it failed. Lia wanted nothing more than to start her family with Colt and then I showed up on her doorstep. The only son of the rock legend Colter Slade. It felt like it was throw in her face that she couldn’t have kids. However, her husband and love of her life has a child with another woman.

Well, I felt like an arsehole. But I guess it wasn’t my fault. It was all Mum’s – Macy McCormack, Colter Slade’s ex and the woman who broke up a happy couple. Lots of things happened from that moment forward. Colt came over to our house all the time once he found out about me. He was such an incredible man. I bonded with him instantly, and to finally know what it was like to have a father, blew my mind. After seven years of not having any man in my life, it was nice to have someone who not only cared, but fussed over me, a lot.

Mum fussed, but this was different. Colt had an aura about him. He was so easy to get along with. I loved him, and he made everything better on the days when I was feeling quite sick. He looked after me, gave Mum money, so we could finally have the heat on in the house and so we had plenty of food.

I always wondered why Lia didn’t come over, but Colt’s brother, my Uncle Huxley came with him a few times. He was a little more stand-offish, but he was still really nice. I liked him, but I loved Colt. Colt and I had a bond straight away, and I knew that he was going to love me no matter what. And I would love him right back. He bought me things and made me feel like I was worth something. He helped me to come out of my shell and made me believe in a happy ever after. I knew he was going to make me better, I knew he was going to make my life better, and I knew he was my father because the kindness and love he’d showed me was undeniable.

Hux was nice to me too, but I didn’t feel the same connection with him that I did with Colt. But that’s okay, he was only my Uncle, right? Wrong! After some testing was done, we were all at Colt’s manor and a friendly doctor was there. He said that Colt and Hux weren’t eligible for the transplant. Mum was so upset, but then the doctor said that my nanny was. She was Colt’s mother, and in turn, my grandmother. She was willing and able to give me a donor kidney and everyone was really happy.

I hadn’t realised, but Colt and Lia had broken up. Lia thought that Colt having a family with another woman meant that he should be with us. At the time, I didn’t mind or care about her. I wanted Colt all to myself. As I said, I loved him like a son would his father. I worshipped him. He was tall and muscular, he had pretty artwork all over his arms and he could sing really well. I was in awe of him. He played the guitar too which, of course, I thought was really cool. And from the moment I first heard him play the guitar, I knew I wanted to as well.

I wanted to be like him in every way. I wanted his life. I wanted him in my life, and Mum was so happy when he and Uncle Hux were around. It was nice to see her smiling finally.

Then that day at the manor it all turned to shit. Everyone was celebrating that I was going to have a transplant, finally. I was happy, but I felt so tired that I went into the lounge room to sit down. I noticed Colt and Lia still talking to the doctor. Mum was smothering me with kisses, and I let her because I knew how much this meant to her.

Unfortunately, Mum was no angel in this situation. If she’d just checked her pregnancy dates, and if she’d been honest right from the start, this never would have happened.

Colt yelled out for Mum and he sounded so angry it scared me.

He was talking quietly with the doctor, and then all of a sudden he was yelling at Mum. I’d never seen Colt angry before and he was screaming saying, “He isn’t mine.”

I didn’t know what that meant, but I knew from his tone it wasn’t good.

Joseph, Lia’s friend, took me from the room and we went outside while Colt was yelling at Mum and she was crying. I hated seeing her cry. But I know now, she brought it on herself. I remember Joseph trying to distract me, but I kept looking toward the door to see if Mum would come out to get me. Eventually, she did, and she looked terrible. She’d been crying and I think she was shaking. She took me in her arms and we went back inside.

Colt looked down at me and squatted to my height. He was very upset and he was looking at me like it would be the last time he’d see me. It unsettled me and made me nervous.

I loved him.

He was my dad.

“Just remember that I love you no matter what happens, okay?” Colt said and I nodded and leant in hugging him for dear life. I hated seeing him upset, and as I hugged him, a small sob escaped him. He pulled back and looked at me with his bottom lip trembling.

“Thanks, Dad,” I said and Colt gasped and lost his balance falling to the floor. Lia was by his side instantly and I felt sad. I had no idea what was hurting him, but I wanted to make the pain stop.

“That’s the first time you’ve called me, Dad,” Colt said and I smiled and nodded. He was my dad, so I thought calling him that would make him feel better. It didn’t. Lia said we should go and Mum looked terrible. I didn’t know why everyone was so upset. All I knew was that I wanted to try to make everyone feel better.

But I was just a kid, what good could I do?

“I’m sorry, Colt. I’ll tell Caleb when we get home,” Mum said. I looked up at her wondering what she was talking about. I knew something was terribly wrong.

“Tell me what, Mummy?”

Mum ushered me to the front door away from my dad and his lovely wife.

“C’mon let’s get you home. You’ve had a big day,” Mum said and I looked back toward Colt. I wanted to stay, I wanted to make him happy and stop him from being so sad.

“Can’t we stay here with Dad a bit longer?”

Colt started to cry into his knees. I didn’t understand why he was so sad when I talked to him.

Was it me? Did I do something wrong?

I didn’t understand and I was upset that I was making everyone cry, especially when I had no idea why?

“No, c’mon honey. I’m sorry, Colt,” Mum said walking me out of the front door and then closing it behind her.

“Mum, what’s going on? Why is everyone so sad?”

“I’m sorry, baby boy. Let’s go home and we can talk about it then, okay?”

I flinched out of her hold and crossed my arms over my chest in defiance. I wanted to know what I’d done so I could fix it.

“Mum, no, tell me now.”

She shook her head. “No, Caleb, c’mon, here is not the place.”

I started to walk back toward the manor.

“Caleb!” she called out, but I didn’t listen and kept walking. She ran up behind me and took my shoulders in her hands and turned me to face her.

“Okay fine, but you’re not going to like what I have to tell you. I just want you to know that I love you, okay?”

I furrowed my brows in confusion. “Okay?”

She squatted down to my height. “Mummy made a mistake, a terrible mistake, Caleb,” she said and her eyes filled with tears again.

“Well then, fix it?” I said and she half-smiled.

“I don’t think I can, baby.” She looked down to the ground.

“What did you do?”

“You know how I thought that Colt was your father?” she said and the hairs on the back of my neck stood up and a cold shiver ran right through my very centre.

“Uh-huh,” I murmured.

“Well, Mummy didn’t realise that your Uncle Hux is actually your real father, baby. I’m so sorry,” she said it so quickly and quietly that I nearly missed it.

The blood drained from my face as I tried to figure out what that meant.

“So Colt…is not…my dad?” I stuttered and she nodded. “And Hux is my real dad?” I asked and she nodded again.

My eyes started to well with tears and I shook my head from side to side. The man I loved, the man I grew to think of as my father, wasn’t my father at all. And the man that I liked, but who didn’t treat me as well as Colt did, was my father? I didn’t know how anyone could get that information confused. All I knew was that I was hurting badly. My chest was aching and I wanted to scream and run back into the arms of Colt. So I did.

I screamed loudly in pain and went running back toward the manor. Mum took hold of me and I tried desperately to get back to Colt.

He was my father.

He had to be.

I loved him!

“Dad!” I called out as I struggled in Mum’s grip. She was crying just as hysterically as I was. I kicked and screamed at her to let me go. I just wanted my dad, I wanted Colt. He always made me feel better and now he isn’t even my dad? It hurt so much I couldn’t breathe.

“Caleb, stop! You’re going to make yourself sick,” Mum said. I kicked her shin and she let me go as I ran toward the door.

“Caleb, stop!” she yelled out again. I ran as fast as I could, I just wanted Colt. I needed him to make me feel better. But I was too weak and so I collapsed to the ground. She scooped me up and held me in her arms tightly, cradling me to her chest. I cried into her shoulder and clung to her for dear life. I was hurting so much.

I finally had a dad. The dad of my dreams, and he was being ripped away from me. I didn’t know how to deal with it.

“I wanna see him,” I said through staggered breaths and tears.

“You can’t, baby. He needs time, and so do you. Hux is your dad, Caleb. He will take care of us. I promise.”

Her words were like a knife ripping through my heart.

“I don’t want, Hux. I want, Colt,” I screamed out so loudly I’m sure they would’ve heard me inside the house.

“I know, baby boy. I’m sorry.” She started walking me toward the car as I cried in her arms. “I’m so sorry, Caleb,” she said again and I sobbed.

“I want my daddy.”

“I know, baby. I know.” Then I was too exhausted to fight against her anymore. She walked over to the car and placed me inside buckling up my belt as I curled up into a ball and cried into the seat.

“I want Colt, Mummy,” I murmured numerous times on the long journey back to London. She wouldn’t say anything and would just stroke my back that was facing her.

I would never forgive her for making me believe Colt was my father, just to have him ripped away from me.

I could never forgive her, and I never have.