His nostrils are flaring and his face has turned a bright shade of crimson as my hands start to tremble with annoyance.

“What the fuck was that?” I ask.

His eyes open wide and he scoffs. “Seriously? You’re asking me that? Why the fuck was he kissing you?” His hands fly out into the air in frustration.

“I didn’t know he was going to do that.”

“Well, did you want him to?” he asks his nostrils flaring.

“What?” I ask, dumbfounded. “Of course not, Brax. He forced himself on me, surely you could see that,” I yell and he relaxes his stature slightly and exhales.

“Do you love him?” he asks a little calmer.

I sigh and walk up to him and place my hand on his cheek. “As a friend and the father of my child, yes. But as anything else, definitely not. I care too much about someone else,” I admit and he looks in my eyes and swallows hard.

The door flings open and I drop my hand from Brax’s face to see Hunter storming in.

“What the actual fuck, dude?” Hunter yells at Brax.

“I over reacted. I thought Amber was uncomfortable, and my job is to protect her. So I—”

“Pulled her off stage right near the end of a concert? She had one song left to sing, man. That’s bad form,” Hunter says walking over to us interrupting our moment.

“Sorry, I just wanted her to feel safe. Not having Mason throw himself at her on stage in front of a crowd of people and her having to fend him off again.”

Hunter looks at me. “You told him about this morning?” he asks and I furrow my brows.

“Yeah, why wouldn’t I?”

Hunter exhales rubbing his forehead. “I guess he’s your bodyguard, he needs to know these things, right?” Hunter asks and I nod and so does Brax. “Just don’t pull her off stage again during a performance. It looks bad for the band,” Hunter says and Brax scoffs.

“And Mase throwing himself at Amber and her rejecting him on stage doesn’t?” Brax asks while I tense up.

“Are you saying I can’t control my band?” Hunter asks stepping up to Brax.

I step in between them and place my hand on Hunter’s chest. “Hunter, take a breath. I know you’re angry. Brax did the wrong thing, but he was only doing what he thought was best for me. He was only looking out for me. Mase is losing it. Can’t you sort him out?”

Hunter slumps his body and nods running his hand through his short brown hair.

“Yeah, he’s not coping with having Brax around. He thinks you two are going to ride off into the sunset and Charli is going to grow up thinking Brax is her dad, and he’s going to be left out,” Hunter says and I look at Brax, who now looks mighty uncomfortable.

“Look, that won’t happen. Mason is Charli’s father. He always will be, I’d never stop him from seeing her. He should know me better than that.” Slumping down on the green suede lounge suite and sinking into the plush cushions wishing they would swallow me whole, I sigh.

Mason, Jayce and Cooper walk in and we all look over at the door. Mase looks at me and then to Brax.

“Stupid move, dickwad. We still had another song to play,” Mason says walking up to Brax, who straightens his stature in defence.

My feet making quick work, I rise and walk over to the two men who are now standing off.

“Well, I wouldn’t have had to pull her off stage if you weren’t making her uncomfortable,” Brax defends and Mase pushes Brax hard in the chest. Brax stumbles back, but quickly rights himself and looks at Mase as I bite my bottom lip.

“Mason, stop being a dick.” Hunter slaps him on the back.

“See he can’t even stand up for himself. He’s such a weak-as-piss human being,” Mason says and Brax inches closer.

“Leave it Brax, he’s trying to stir you up,” I say and step closer to the two men in my life that are causing me the most grief.

Brax doesn’t say anything as he continues to stare down Mason, who starts to laugh and throws his hands in the air. “See. You getting your woman to talk for you. She has you whipped just like she whipped me. She’s fully into that BDSM shit. Just so you know, she loves a bit of pain and torture,” Mason says shocking me. My mouth drops open and Brax moves so quickly I hardly have time to notice before he’s behind Mase grabbing his arm and pulling it up high behind his back forcing Mason to fall to his knees crying out in pain. The thud of his knees hitting the cold tiled floor makes me jump slightly. My hand shoots to my mouth as I gasp at the visible military man coming out in Brax as he pulls Mase’s hair forcing his head up to look at me and he cries out in pain.

“Oww man. Fuck!” Mason yells as the rest of us watch in shock.

“Say you’re sorry,” Brax says tugging on Mason’s hair harder.

“What? No!” Mase says and Brax pulls his arm up higher and tugs his hair back making him wince out in pain again. My heart is racing watching Brax take charge of the situation.

“Say. You’re. Sorry. Torture is not something to joke about Mason. She’s the mother of your child. Stop being an arrogant arsehole and apologise before I break your arm and end this tour,” Brax says. I can see by the flaring of Brax’s nostrils, the redness in his face, the tightness in his jaw and the veins popping out in his neck that he’s deadly serious. “Say it!” he yells tugging on Mase once more causing more pain-filled moans.

“Fine! Fucking hell! I’m sorry, Amber. I’m a dick.”

Brax lets him go then pushes him forward so he falls face first onto the floor. Mase stays on the floor and doesn’t move as a deathly silence floods the room. I swallow hard as Brax walks away from Mason and moves to stand over by the back door, he opens it and walks out to the night time air. The dull hues of the pale moonlight filter in and the darkness swallows Brax as he exits. Everyone looks around at everyone else and Hunter looks at me and raises an eyebrow. I nod letting him know I’m okay as Jayce helps Mason from the floor.

“Fucker’s got a mean grip on him,” Mason says turning to look at me. “I am sorry, Amber. I didn’t mean what I said. I’m just hurting. I don’t want to lose you and Charli,” he says, finally saying something honest for a change.

“You will never lose us, Mason. But if you keep acting like a spoiled brat then I’ll need to reassess. So stop being weird. You’re freaking me the hell out.”

He exhales and nods rubbing his shoulder.

“You okay?” Hunter asks Mason and he nods then looks at me. “Are you all right?” he then asks me and I nod, then he walks from the green room and out the back to follow after Brax.

“Mason, I know you want more from me, and I know you want us to be together. I also know that Brax being here is making you jealous, but please stop acting out. It’s not good for you, or me, or the band, or Charli. Think of your daughter when you go acting all stupid like this.”

He cracks his neck from side to side. “It’s hard to just stop loving someone, Amber,” he says and I nod knowing that all too well. I had the same problem with Aston, I think I still love him in some small way, but I need to move on and if that’s with Brax, I can’t let Hunter or Mason stand in my way.

“How about we all load the instruments and head back to the hotel for a quiet one?” Jayce says being sensible for once.

I nod and move back into the pub to collect my gear.

 

***

 

Walking onto the bus, I see Brax sitting down looking out the window. I casually move over to him and sit down placing my hand on his knee. A tingle shoots straight through my hand and as if he felt it too he looks straight at me with sad eyes. We don’t say anything as I make myself comfortable in the seat, he merely interlaces our fingers and I lean my head down on his shoulder. The bus shudders and hisses, while the door closes tightly with a thud and Hunter drives us away from tonight’s venue and toward the hotel. Unlike any other night, the bus isn’t filled with the raucous laughter and noise from the guys. Instead, a deathly silence where only the whirring of the bus’s engine and the hum of the tires on the bitumen can be heard. It’s a little unnerving.

I gaze up at Brax and turn my body to face him. “Are you okay?” I ask, assessing his tight jaw and the stern look on his face.

His jaw relaxes as he looks at me and his hard eyes soften. “I’m fine. I’m sorry if I embarrassed you.”

I half smile and clench his hand tighter. “I was actually kind of in awe of you to be honest. Those moves you put on Mase were really quite…sexy,” I admit feeling my cheeks heat.

He smiles brightly and looks in my eyes. “Really?”

“Really.”

He looks away from me smiling and tilting his head. “The lady thinks I’m sexy,” he repeats cockily making me laugh, so I gently slap his chest.

“Don’t let that go to your head now, mister. Wouldn’t want you to become an arrogant bastard, now would we?”

He looks back at me and shakes his head. “No ma’am.” He leans in with a smirk pressing his forehead to mine.

I tense up slightly knowing Mason could probably see us, but in all honesty, I just want to be near Brax. So I lean in and quickly peck him on the lips. He pulls back slightly looking back down to the back of the bus.

“I think we got away with that one. Mase is playing on his phone.”

I glance back to see him with his head down looking at his screen. My shoulders slump and my body relaxes into the seat. “Great! Would hate for anything to start up again on the way back to the hotel,” I murmur and Brax nods swivelling and wrapping his arm around my shoulders for the rest of the journey.

Once we’re back at the hotel and settled into my room, I change into my pyjamas and Brax pulls off his jeans and shirt and climbs into the bed with me. We snuggle down under the covers and I cuddle into his side. His cologne is invading my senses calming me, even though I’m still a little on edge from what happened tonight at the show with Mase.

Brax moves a strand of hair from my face and I look up at him placing my hand on his chest feeling his heart steadily thump under my palm.

“Stay,” I simply whisper.

He exhales looking deep into my eyes and furrowing his brows. “Baby you know I can’t, we’ve been over this so many times.”

I lick my lips as my heart races so fast I feel like it might explode. “Brax, I’ve had a horrible night. I need comfort, in your arms, all night.”

He looks away from me frowning and his body sags as he swallows hard. “Amber, I’ll stay till you fall asleep like always. I promise I’ll make sure you’re fast asleep before I go,” he says with a sternness in his voice that lets me know he won’t waver in his decision.

Even though the disappointment flowing through me is monumental, I hide it by leaning up and pressing my lips to his. I know there’s no sex for us tonight, but passionate kissing is a must. I move over him and deepen the kiss letting my tongue dance with his. The spark igniting inside of me sends a shiver down my spine. Kissing Brax always feels right. This will have to get me through the night.

We make out like teenagers for a long while until his stubble is rubbing so aggressively against my skin that I can’t stand it any longer. I lean my head back against his chest and cuddle into him as much as I can. The gentle rise and fall of his chest is lulling me into a quick sleep and my eyes close before I know it.

“Goodnight Amber, sleep well,” Brax says kissing my hair and wrapping his arms around me tightly. Being wrapped in his warmth gives me a sense of comfort I’ve been needing. I feel calm and at peace as I drift into unconsciousness easily.

 

***

 

My eyes open wide as I’m tossed aside to the other side of the bed forcefully. I’m still half asleep as I open and close my eyes trying to focus them in the dim light of the room. Groans and pain-filled moans echo through the bedroom and I swallow hard attempting to gain my bearings. Opening my eyes wider as the bed moves and bounces with the force of the movements, I look to see Brax thrashing about. His body dripping in sweat and bright red. I pull back the covers to stop him from overheating and watch his back arch off the mattress as his face contorts and tightens so tightly I worry about the pain he must be in. He’s obviously having one of his night terrors, so I figure I’ll try and wake him up. I move back over to him on my knees and shake his shoulder.

He moans out as his hands fly above his head waving around in the air nearly smacking me in the process. I dodge out of the way and pull his hands back down to the bed.

“Brax, wake up,” I call out loudly.

His body contorts and his legs kick out like he’s trying to defend off an attack. My heart is thumping as the tears begin to well in my eyes. I hate seeing him like this. His teeth grinding together screech as his jaw clenches so rigidly I wonder if his teeth might actually crack.

“Jesus Brax, wake up!” I say pushing his side harshly.

His eyes open wide and I exhale relaxing instantly when he sits bolt upright and turns toward me.

“Brax, thank God, you’re awake—”

Before I can finish my sentence, he lunges at me and grabs my shoulders pushing me causing me to fall back on the bed. He’s looking at me, right at me, and yet his eyes look completely blank like there’s nothing there. It scares me instantly.

“Brax,” I say moving my hands to his shoulders to wake him. He pins me harder to the bed and my breathing increases so it becomes hard to inhale any air. My chest actually hurts from my racing heart and I’m physically shaking. Nothing I do helps. He doesn’t budge, instead forces my shoulders further into the mattress. I wince in pain as he inches further and further toward me like he’s stalking his prey.

“Brax, please, it’s me. Wake up,” I plead, but there’s no recognition at all.

Pushing on his shoulders again, he suddenly he lets me go, by pushing my shoulders into the bed further which helps him up off the bed. Standing up, he starts pacing the bedroom floor mumbling incoherently. Hot tears pool at my eyes and flow down my cheeks as I slowly sit up from the bed. I don’t want to make any sudden movements. Rolling my sore shoulders, I wipe my tears and stand up from the bed wobbling on my feet. The lack of oxygen from me panicking and the anxiety I’m feeling are making me dizzy. I walk over to where Brax is still pacing the floor aimlessly. His heavy footsteps are like roaring thunder in the room, it’s all I can hear, that and the blood rushing from my ferociously beating heart.

“Brax?” I question seeing if maybe he’s starting to wake up.

Nothing.

Taking a deep breath, my feet are heavy as I make my way to him. His eyes focused on the ground beneath him as he paces. Stopping in front of him, I place my hand on his damp shoulder, but something in him clicks. His neck tenses and all the veins protrude as his head flicks up and he looks right through me like I’m not even here. His arms come up and before I have a chance to think, his strong muscular hands wrap around my neck clenching tightly. A muffled choking sound escapes my throat as my eyes bulge. His tight grip sends a shockwave of terror right through my soul and my instinct is to grab at his hands. My nails dig into his flesh scratching at his skin drawing blood, but all it does is make him lift me off the floor. My feet rise from the carpet and my body feels like a lead weight under his hands, but he’s so strong as my legs kick about trying to gain traction back on the ground. My eyes flood with water as my throat is so closed off, I can hardly get any air in at all. I’m gasping as Brax chokes me in his dazed state. Kicking out, I thrash at his shin trying to have him let me go, but he walks with me ramming my back up against the wall. My body slams against the plasterboard, a faint cracking noise seeps through the walls as the ringing in my ears is becoming apparent. My eyes are starting to see flashes of light in front of them and I feel like I might pass out.

“Brax,” I gasp out as my nails continue to scratch at his hands.

“Die…you insurgent scum,” Brax says and I feel like this could actually be it. Air is becoming an issue and the heaviness in my body is making me think that Brax might succeed in killing me.

“Who sent you?” Brax yells and keeps screaming in my face repeatedly, spittle spraying from his mouth into my face as everything starts to turn black.

My last thoughts are of Charli and as tears flood my face and my last gasp of air draws absolutely no oxygen. I hear crying. My body tenses hoping Brax doesn’t go after Charli next and my body kicks into fighting gear again. I kick him and go to scream when Charli’s crying becomes really loud. Brax’s head snaps around to face Charli’s direction and my heart beats faster if that’s even possible.

No, no, no! He can’t get to Charli like this, so I kick his shin hard and it’s like a transformation takes place. He looks back at me and suddenly his grip around my neck detaches and it’s like the most welcomed breath I’ve ever taken in my life as my feet hit the floor and I hunch over taking in deep, languid breaths.

Brax suddenly pulls my body to his and I tense up waiting for him to attack me again, but he wraps his arms around me tightly holding my face to his chest and smoothing my hair down as I fight against his chest. He holds me tighter as my knees give way and I collapse to the floor like a heavy sack of potatoes. Bending down he lifts my frail body and carries me to the bed as scalding hot tears run down my face endlessly. I can’t understand the complete three-sixty in him right now.

Before he was trying to kill me, now he’s trying to take care of me?

Placing me on the bed, he runs his hands over my cheeks and looks into my eyes, his are watering profusely and his brows are furrowed so tightly he might need some wrinkle cream.

“Fuck Amber, I’m sorry, baby. I don’t know what I did, but by the look of you, it was bad. I heard Charli crying, and it snapped me out of my terror. I can’t believe after everything I fell asleep again. I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry.” His hands run all over my body as it aches. I don’t want his hands on me, so I pull away and try to scurry across the bed but he holds onto me tightly and won’t let me go. Sobbing hard, I bring my hands up to my face as my heart races out of control in my chest, the pulsating of my blood through my veins is making every inch of my body ache and I can’t stand the pain. I lean my head into his chest and just let him comfort me.

“God, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Fuck Amber, I never wanted to hurt you. I’m so sorry,” he mumbles his apologies continuously as I cry and continue to hear Charli crying in the background. I want to go to her, but my body and Brax won’t allow it. Hearing the deep cracking in his voice, and the desperation is only breaking my heart further. I wanted this man, I thought his terrors were only a minor issue, I brushed them aside thinking it was nothing scary. Now I know why he was so adamant about not staying with me. I wish I believed him, because I’m still having trouble breathing, and explaining this to the guys is going to cause trouble.

“This is what I was afraid of Amber. I don’t know what I’m doing. I can’t control how I act during the terrors. This is what I was trying to tell you. I never want to hurt you. You have to believe me.” His fractured voice sends a shiver down my spine.

I believe he wasn’t in control, the Brax I know would never do that to me. “Is that what it’s like most nights?”

He simply nods. It’s like a sucker punch to the gut, the air evaporates from my lungs once more and hot tears flood from my eyes as I sob harder knowing the trauma Brax goes through every night.

“I’ll go get Charli—”

“No!” I demand, I don’t want him to touch her. Just in case he’s still on edge.

He furrows his brows and slumps his body nodding his head in understanding as a single tear rolls down his cheek. “I wouldn’t hurt her, Amber.”

I bite my bottom lip rubbing my neck and tilt my head to the side trying to ease some of the stiffness creeping in. “I didn’t think you’d hurt me either, but you did,” I say and Brax stops touching me and sits on the edge of the bed with his head in his hands and his elbows resting on his knees. He exhales and his chest is heaving like he’s having trouble breathing himself.

“You can’t even begin to imagine how terrible I feel, Amber. How sorry I am for hurting you—”

“You strangled me, Brax. You nearly choked me to death…” I trail off and look past him toward Charli’s room where she’s still crying. My heart is hammering for her. I need to get to her and let her know I’m okay.

“Jesus. I’m a fucking arsehole. I’m so sorry, I don’t know how to make it up to you.” He looks up at me and his eyes are glistening with unshed tears as his bottom lip trembles. I can see he’s struggling with this.

I sniff and stand up off the bed wobbling slightly at the sudden rush of blood from my head. Brax jumps up resting his hand on my arm to steady me and I flinch back breaking the contact even though the warmth from his hand sends goose bumps all over my skin.

“You can leave, that’s how you make it up to me.” I feel strange, I desperately need him to go so I can comfort my crying daughter and grieve in my own way, but I also need his comfort and for him to hold me and tell me everything will be okay. But my need to be without him at the moment is outweighing my need for him to stay.

“Amber, I need to stay and make sure you’re okay. You were starved of oxygen and—”

“Please, just go, I can’t have you here right now—”

“But what about if your throat starts to swell and you can’t breathe?”

“Just leave!” I yell and then wince as the force of my voice hurts my throat.

He winces as my voice echoes through the hotel room and Charli’s crying becomes insistent. He exhales and looks at me, his eyes glistening as a fat tear slides down his face.

“I never meant to hurt you.” He starts putting on his clothes as I watch folding my arms over my chest. My neck is hurting so bad, and I really need some water, but I need more than anything to get to my daughter. Brax turns looking at me now fully dressed, his frown so long it might fall off his face, and his eyes glistening so bright they look like diamonds. I sniff and look away as he turns walking to the hotel door.

“If you need me, call me. If you start feeling lightheaded or nauseous, or your throat starts to close, please call a doctor. I’m sorry. I didn’t want this…I’m sorry,” he says and I can’t look at him as he exhales and the door opens.

I clench my eyes shut as my heart lurches into my throat making me feel sick. The door closes with a small thud and it feels like a chapter is closing on my life and I don’t know why, but a tightness in my chest and my watering eyes tell me I’m miserable about it. My eyes flood with tears and I start to cry profusely. My heart speeds frantically and my breathing is coming in short, sharp bursts. Suddenly, my entire body is shaking and I can’t seem to think about anything other than Brax possibly leaving for the last time. Being without him is something I don’t want, but how could I possibly be with him now? A wave of anxiety rushes over me and as I panic, Charli’s crying invades my ears and my feet rush as fast as they can, carrying my heavy, pain riddled body toward her cot.

I look down to see she’s standing up and reaching out to me before I even get to her. She needs me as much as I need her right now. I lean in pulling her to me, rocking her back and forth, kissing her head manically trying to calm us both down. Having her in my arms is better than any prescription drug you can buy. She stops crying almost instantly wrapping her tiny arms around my neck. It hurts, but I don’t care, I just need to be with her right now. I breathe her in, smelling her hair as I start to sing to her with a now husky voice.

“Hush little baby, don’t say a word, Mamma’s gonna buy you a mockingbird…” I continue to try and sing to her as my knees give way with the emotion of it all and I fall on my arse still holding Charli in my arms. Sitting on the ground of her room, clinging to Charli for dear life, she’s my lifeline and I need her to get through this. Tightly clinging and cuddling into her as she nuzzles into me sleepily. I still don’t let her go even when she falls asleep, just continue to cuddle with her on the floor until the sun creeps through the window in its tones of pinks and yellows, bringing with it a brand new day.