Six months has past. Six months post Aston and I am completely miserable. Not even music lifts my spirits now. The colours are all wrong. Their dull and lifeless and the music notes don’t float like they used to. Instead they fall flat on the floor laying still and emotionless, just like how I feel. Since the tour started, each day has been worse than the previous. Aston and I don’t talk, we barely even look at each other. Well, I look at him and he doesn’t seem to notice. If this is what needs to be done, us being apart, then why the hell does it feel so utterly wrong? I don’t understand what is happening to me.

Mum and Dad are so worried and they’re not letting me out of their sight. We performed our last concert of the tour last night in Sydney, Australia and then flew home straight after at two in the morning. We landed in London at approximately three in the afternoon today, and we came straight home. I know as soon as we recover from the jet-lag, Mum is taking me to see this shrink. I’m not sure how I feel about that, but I guess my mood is so low that if she can help in some way then I am all for it.

I get up, I perform the songs we wrote together and then I sleep. That is what my life consists of right now. Everyone and everything are moving along beside me, but I feel like I’m stuck in a stationary position. My feet are buried in concrete and nothing can move me from the state I am in.

Aston tried to talk to me a couple of times after we landed in Belfast six months ago, but I avoided it and him. He soon got the message that I just wanted to be on my own. Ella tried to make me laugh whenever she could, but I know she’s given up on me too, preferring to hang out with Amber and the guys. Watching Amber and Aston together is like listening to nails on a chalkboard. It irritates me. I don’t know if they’re seeing each other or not, but she’s always hanging off him and he’s starting to laugh and smile more. I know because I’m always watching. I’m becoming one of those people in a band that always gets the bad rap. You know the ones they picture as the bad boy of the group, but in this case it’s the bad girl image.

The papers say that the band would be better without the moody, depressed lead guitarist. There’s speculation of drug use and they even said at one stage that Dad was using again and supplying me with the drugs. Dad wasn’t happy about that, and he’s trying so hard to make everyone see that I’m just a depressed teenager, but no one is listening. They’re making their own minds up about me, and really I don’t care. I don’t care about anything at the moment… not even music. And that was what I was worried about right from the start of this whole thing with Aston, that it would ruin my career. And slowly but surely, I think that’s exactly what’s happening.

I play the concerts and I play well, but if someone does something to upset me, I usually act first and think later. And that’s why I have this bad girl image. People say I’m a rude bitch. In interviews, I hardly talk and only give one-word answers and people don’t like that. I even had a bunch of minions accost me at a hotel because they think I’m no good for Staked. They said I had to quit the band or they’d boycott our sales. I told Dad and he said it was bullshit and that four girls couldn’t start a revolution. Plus, people love our music and so they don’t care if one band member is slightly different from the others, it’s what makes the band unique.

He was right. Sales for our album never dropped and if anything they got better. Rob is talking about organising a tour for us as the headline act next year. I’m not sure how I feel about it, but I go along with what everyone else wants. I just show up, do my thing and then spend as much time alone as possible. Mum talks to me every day to see how I am, and every day I tell her I’m fine, which is a lie of course. I’m drowning, and I wish I knew why? Being this way is not fun for me. I don’t like it, but I don’t know how to change it. I think about Aston all the time when I’m not with him. It’s like my heart is punishing me for making the right choice. And seeing Aston with Amber all the time is doing my head in. They’re always touching in some way. I’ve never seen them kiss or anything which is a relief, but I have no idea what they get up to when I’m not around.

One day she was literally hanging off him, so I went up to Ryan from Recoil, Danger’s best friend and was flirting with him right in front of Aston just to show him how it felt. It didn’t work because Amber came over right away and was basically smothering him. She wrapped herself around Aston so tightly it made my chest ache. Instead of making him jealous it made me jealous and I ended up walking off. I think Aston saw me walk away and I felt his eyes on me, but he didn’t follow.

I not only lost my boyfriend but also my best friend. Really my only friend and because of that I am an outcast. The poor little depressed girl that no one dares talk to in case she bites their head off. My anger issues have only gotten worse and I seem to fight with everyone these days. But when it comes to the band I take a back seat. I don’t help with the writing or any of the ideas or discussions on where Staked is going from here. I just agree to everything they say and do what I am supposed to do. I know I’m annoying Dad by not putting in as much effort as I used to, but really, why bother? The colour and fun in my music has died, just like my soul, and the last six months have been a hell I want a one-way ticket out of.

I’m lying in my own bed for the first time in six months. I know I’ve been here for hours and it’s so comfy, but I can’t sleep. Just like most nights I hardly sleep but instead lay awake thinking of all the good times I had with Aston. Why I punish myself like this, I’m not sure, but every night is the same. I roll over in my bed and look at my phone. It’s been so long since I messaged Aston and I miss him. I miss my best friend. I miss the good times and most of all I miss his smile. Even though I see him smiling all the time, it’s not the big bright smile I am used to. He seems to be coping with this so much better than me. It just proves my point that when he said he loved me, that it couldn’t have been true, because if it were then he would be a mess like me. But I know more than ever, that I’m not worthy of love from anyone. It’s obvious, I mean look at me. I’m a royal fuck up.

My door creaks open and I look up to see Mum peeking in. “Sorry, did I wake you?” she asks and I shake my head.

“No, come in.”

She comes in and shuts the door behind her. “Did you get any sleep?”

“Not really, maybe a couple of hours. What’s the time?”

“Nearly midday. Everyone is still sleeping, but I just wanted to check on you,” she says sitting down next to me.

“I’m okay.”

“I want to talk to you about something. I know you’re not sold on the idea, but in a couple of days we have an appointment to see Dr. Ludwick in London. She is supposed to be the best in her field and I think she can help you, seeing as I can’t,” Mum says.

“It’s not that you can’t help me, Mum. I know you try and you do make me feel better, it’s just… I can’t shake these feelings deep inside me.”

“I know the feeling sweetheart, I had it when your father and I were apart. It’s horrible, and I know nothing I do or say will fix it, but I think you need some guidance from someone who doesn’t know you or Aston and can help. Maybe give you something to take so you feel a little better?”

I scrunch up my face. “What like an antidepressant or something?”

“I took them for a while and they help. They don’t fix anything, but they do help you feel differently, and I think you need some help finding the brightness in your life again Annie. I just want you to be happy and the last six months on this tour, I have watched you steadily decline and it’s heartbreaking. I just want my fun, energetic and bright Annie back. It’s not your fault she’s hiding away, it’s just your emotions are taking control over you, and that’s why I think Dr. Ludwick can help.”

“Okay, I don’t want to be like this anymore.”

“I know sweetheart, and we’re going to do everything in our power to help you.”

“Thanks Mum. I’m sorry I’m such a fuck up.”

“You’re not, nor have you ever been a fuck up, Annie. You’ve just lost your way a little, that’s all,” she says and I exhale. “I know it’s hard and the jet-lag sucks, but stay in bed for as long as you need to get some decent sleep.”

“Thanks Mum.”

“You’re welcome, now get some rest,” she says and stands up and walks out of my room.

 

***

 

Two days later, Mum took me to see Dr. Ludwick. We had a very in-depth discussion about my life so far, and everything that happened with Aston and how I’m feeling now. She made me take some written test, where I had to rate things on a number scale. She came back and said I had depression and she prescribed me some anti-depression medication which is what Mum had when she had her depression. I was hesitant to take them at first, but if they both think it will help then I am all for it. I left the session feeling lighter somehow that I had gotten everything that was on my chest off, and Mum helped when I was crying too much to speak. She helped fill in the blanks and told Dr. Ludwick my feelings about not being loved. She said that it was unfounded, and that people obviously love me, and that with some therapy hopefully she can change my mind about it all. I doubt it, but hopefully I can start to feel better.

 

***

 

Another six months has passed and it’s been just over a year since I broke it off with Aston. I have been going to counselling with Mum once a week since we got back from the tour. With a lot of convincing and some deep therapy, I’m starting to see that maybe even though my parents gave me up, that maybe there was another reason behind it that I hadn’t thought of. Like they were really poor and wanted a better life for me. Maybe the fact is, that they loved me enough to make sure I was well looked after and lived in a better environment than what they could have provided for me. Dr. Ludwick said not knowing the reason for my birth parents giving me up for adoption is probably what’s kicking this all off. I need to get my head around the fact that maybe not knowing is a good thing, and not to dwell on the fact that I don’t know them. I need to look more at the positives. Like the fact that I was given to my parents and that I have Ella as a sister. Without my birth parents giving me up, I would never have met these amazing people in my life that I am so grateful for.

The people that I lie to all the time, they think I am doing better. I am a little. I don’t feel as down as I did, and the tablets are helping with that. But what my parents don’t know, is that at night, I sneak out and head to parties in the town, mainly at the local pub. The bouncer knows me there, obviously because I am semi-famous. So he always leads me to the VIP section where I spend all night dancing and drinking and snogging random guy so I can feel that connection with someone, even if it’s only for a short amount of time.

Mum thinks the anti-depression medication is making me drowsy during the daytime, little does she know it’s more from a hangover than anything else. I know Aston and Amber have gotten closer, she’s always at our concerts when we have one which isn’t often, but we do have them occasionally. Aston still isn’t talking to me, and I don’t talk to him. I miss him so much, but I know the damage has been done between us. Even if I don’t trust him to tell me the truth, I still miss my best friend. I miss having someone I can talk to. I miss having him come over and being able to text or call and talk to him about useless gossip. The fact is, I’m nineteen now and I have only ever loved one man in my life and that is Aston. But every night, I take myself down to the local pub and get wasted, trying not to think about the night we made love on the sofa in Recoil’s green room.

I know Ella is sneaking out too. Sometimes we sneak out at the same time, but I don’t know who she goes to see. All I know is it must be a guy because she always gets dressed up, but I never see her at the VIP section in the pub.

Tonight is no different, I will sneak out and snog some random, who doesn’t know who I am and get drunk in the process. Then I’ll do it all over again the next night. Somehow, whenever I go out no one seems to know who I am. I guess because these people have seen me in this village my whole life and to them, I’m just the girl who lives in a big manor not some famous rock star. Which suits me fine, because if the tabloids found out what I was doing then that would ruin everything.

 

***

 

It’s been nine long and torturous months and now it’s February and today is Dad’s fiftieth birthday. We’re having a party at the manor and everyone is coming, which sucks because I won’t be able to sneak out tonight and head into town. I’ll have to stay at the party with people who hate me. Well, I don’t think anyone actually hates me, but everyone avoids me especially the Soulding clan.

Aston and his Mum especially. Johnny, his dad isn’t too bad, he’ll talk to me when he needs to, but it’s very rare these days. I just wish I had never given in to Aston, then all of this wouldn’t be happening. I know I’m the bad guy in all of this and I wish I could make it better, but I don’t know how to.

Dr. Ludwick is helping. Even though a part of me still thinks that no one could possibly love me, most of the time I think that maybe she is right and maybe Aston did actually love me when he said it. Maybe not everyone is a bad guy, and maybe it’s only me that’s standing in the way. But that doesn’t matter now anyway. Aston and I are truly over. We have been for over a year, nearly two, and nothing could bring us back together… of that, I am sure.

I walk outside to where the party area is set up and Sassy and Snaggy are running around with Jackson and Harley, Uncle Joseph and Danny’s kids. Well, they’re not really kids anymore, they’re in their teens too. They’re funny guys though, especially being raised by Uncle Joseph and Danny, those guys are a hoot. I walk into the gazebo area where Mum is setting up some decorations.

“Need a hand?” I ask and she looks back at me and smiles as she hangs the last lantern.

“Nope, all done. Now we just have to wait for everyone to arrive. Joseph and Danny have all the food ready to go and the music is rockin’ and yeah… I think, everything is ready. Now we just have to have a good night and make your father happy for his birthday. I can’t believe he is fifty. How on earth did we get so old?” she says and I chuckle.

“I know, you’re practically ancient,” I reply and she scoffs and throws a napkin at me.

“Okay well, I think we need to go and get ready. The guests will be here in about thirty minutes,” she says and I look down at my leather pants and flannelette shirt and frown.

“I am ready?”

She raises an eyebrow. “Annie, I love you and I love your sense of fashion, but you need to wear something a little… um… dressier than that,” she says and I purse my lips and look at the hole in my shirt.

“Okay fine, but I’m still wearing my combat boots.”

“I wouldn’t want it any other way,” she says and then we walk up to the manor to get changed.

Half an hour later my hair is curled, my makeup on and I actually feel good about myself. I have on a black dress and the differing coloured hair extensions through my hair, make me feel vibrant and fresh. I feel good for once, and maybe a party is just what I need. I don’t need an excuse to drink and dance tonight, I can do it here in my own home and no one will judge me for it.

I walk down the stairs and Ella comes out in a flaming pink strapless dress, she looks stunning.

“Wow Elle’s, you look great,” I say and she looks up at me and opens her eyes wide.

“Wow, so do you. This is the most dressed up I’ve seen you in months.” She wraps her arm around my waist as we head down the stairs. We get to the gazebo and the music is on already and there’s a couple of people here, mainly photographers and Uncle Hux, Macy and Caleb. Chad walks past us and wolf whistles. He has really grown into himself the last year and he’s all muscle and the scruffy look suits him well. He isn’t as buff as Aston, but he still looks good.

“Shut up you tool,” Ella says as he flicks her hair and jogs past us over to Caleb.

I smile and shake my head. “He’s in a good mood.”

“It’s a party Annie, everyone’s in a good mood.” She leads me over to the makeshift bar. There is standing heaters seeing as it’s freezing, but we’re having a hotter than usual month, even though it is in the colder time of the year. Having the party outside was probably not the best idea, but it’s nice and warm in the gazebo so it should be fine.

Another thirty minutes pass, as I drink a champagne and Ella sneaks one in too. I know Mum saw, but Dad is distracted with greeting all the people, so it’s safe to say I can let my hair down tonight. I notice Anna and Johnny walk in, so I automatically search for Aston, but I can’t see him anywhere.

Ella notices me watching and hands me another champagne. “Here drink this, it will take the edge off.”

I know I’m not really supposed to drink much with the depression medication, but I’ve been doing it nearly every night and I’m okay. Just really tired in the mornings is all. I look toward the entrance of the gazebo again and then I see Aston. He looks so good in his jeans and button down shirt accompanied by a leather jacket. My heart starts to race and butterflies dance in my stomach, just like they do every time I see him. He looks incredible and I lick my lips at how gorgeous he is.

Then I see her. Amber Leopard Print Pants is hanging off his arm.

I’ve never seen them together outside of a concert before. Her stunning, blazing red hair falls beautifully down her pale naked back and her gorgeous face lights up the dimly lit gazebo making me feel less than adequate. I take another sip of my champagne as Ella wraps her arm around my shoulders.

Amber moves her hand into Aston’s and they look at each other. My heart pounds ferociously in my chest. I feel sick and watching him smile at her like he used to smile at me and it’s making my head hurt. She leans in closer to him and he doesn’t move back. I open my eyes wide as I see her lean in and kiss him on the lips. He kisses her back and it’s like time stops and they’re in slow motion kissing right in front of me.

I can’t breathe.

I actually can’t breathe!