They pull apart and he’s smiling at her as she wipes her flaming red lipstick from his mouth. I clutch at my chest as it tightens so tight my eyes start to water. I move to put my champagne on the bar, but it misses and falls to the floor. Luckily it’s grass so it doesn’t break, but the liquid spills everywhere and I can’t help but think my heart is spilling all over the ground with it.

“Annie,” Ella says as I look at her.

“I can’t,” is all I can say before I turn and run out of the gazebo.

She doesn’t follow me as I run straight down the back of the yard toward the place I always felt closest to Aston. I make it to the Willow tree just in time to sob into my hands.

He’s done!

He’s finally moved on without me.

I guess I knew this day would come.

It’s been over a year and a half, well more like twenty-one long, painful, disastrous months since I broke up with him. It was bound to happen. I guess I just didn’t think it would hurt this much. I sit down and lean my back against the tree and cry hard into my hands. The party is far enough away that people won’t know I am here. Well, except for Ella. She definitely would’ve guessed where I’ve gone. It would be either here or my room.

This place used to mean so much to me, now it’s the place I come to think of Aston and all the good times we shared and what I’ve lost. I sometimes wondered if he still loved me like I think he might have? But seeing him kiss Amber tells me everything I need to know. I have lost him for good. No amount of time or distance can mend the rift between us now.

This can’t be fixed.

We can’t be fixed.

Not now.

My heart is pounding as the hot salty tears fly down my face in rapid succession. My breathing is shallow and rushed, and I’m pretty sure I’m shaking. I never knew I could hurt this bad. Seeing his lips on someone else literally broke my heart. It’s like a freight train slammed right into my chest obliterating my heart into the tiniest of tiny pieces only to be run over by the spinning wheels of doom. My heart can’t beat anymore because it was beating for him and now his heart beats for her. And I am the reason he is gone. I am the reason he no longer even looks at me. I am the reason I’m utterly alone and he’s living life the way any rock star should. He and Amber Leopard Print Pants will make wonderfully gorgeous babies. Their wedding will be headline news – ‘The Bassist from the Up and Coming Band – Staked. Marries Lead Singer of Red Velvet.’

What a perfect match.

I can see it now.

Being splashed in my face like an ice cold bucket of depressing water. I have done this. I lost him, and I am the only one to blame for this. But if one thing is to come of it, I hope he’s happy with her. I hope he loves her and I hope she loves him back equally.

I hope they…

Oh, who am I kidding? I don’t want him happy with her! I want him happy with me. I have been blind all this time, and with the therapy it’s making me see that he could have loved me and he just might have. I know I loved him, but I pushed him away before we even began. I’ll be twenty in two months, and that’s twenty years I have known Aston. Nineteen of which, we were best friends and one year of which we were a couple. And I threw all of that away because I was scared and wasn’t thinking straight. I threw away something special in my life and now I can never get him back.

I sit under the tree wrapping my arms around myself trying to stop the cold from seeping into my soul. But it’s too late. I’m bitterly cold inside and out, and not just from the winter weather. My crying has subsided and I’m pretty sure I don’t have any makeup left on my face from me scrubbing at it too hard to get the tears away. But I don’t really care what I look like right now. I look up and see someone walking toward me. I’m pretty sure it’s Ella, but it’s hard to see with the fading light and my blurry vision.

“Annie?” she calls out and I wipe my cheeks one last time.

“Yep,” I answer as she walks up to me.

“Dad’s looking for you… Wait, have you been crying?”

“Doesn’t even matter,” I say standing up dusting my arse off.

“Annie, it does matter. Is this because of Amber?”

I nod. “I guess I knew he would move on eventually. I just didn’t think it would hurt so much, you know?”

“Well, I’m sorry you’re upset. I know it must be hard, but Annie you’ve been snogging guys for the last year. Why is it different if Aston kisses someone?”

“I guess, even though I was kissing all those guys, every time I did it I was thinking of Aston. Now I know that when he kisses Amber, he’s only thinking about her.”

“If you love him, Annie, why’d you let him go?”

“Because my brain wasn’t functioning normally. I did love him, I think I still do. But I’m all kinds of fucked up and he’s better without a head case like me.”

“You’re not a head case. You’re trying to work things out and I think you’re finally starting to see clearly,” she says and takes my hand in hers. “C’mon, let’s go back to the party before Dad sends out a search party for you.”

“Do I look terrible?”

She smiles and wipes under my eyes removing some mascara runs. “Barely noticeable,” she says and I know that means I look like shit.

I half-smile and we walk back to the gazebo. Moving inside I see everyone sitting down ready for the dinner to come out. Luckily Aston and Amber are seated at a different table to us, I don’t think I could have handled that. But as it is they’re sitting directly in front of me and I can see them perfectly.

“You okay Annie?” Dad asks as I sit down opposite him.

I nod and take my seat. The waiters come around with our first course and as always it looks delicious. I move my fork around in the food and take small bites, but I really don’t have an appetite at the moment. I can’t stop staring at Aston and the way he keeps laughing with Amber. Chad is making jokes, and making everyone at that table laugh. My table is pretty much just family. Mum, Dad, Ella, Uncle Hux, Caleb, Macy, Nanny and Grandma and Grand Daddy. It’s nice to have the whole family together. I know even though we live five minutes from Grandma and Grand Daddy, we don’t see them very often, so it’s nice to have them here. And Mum is always happy when they’re around, even though they are both in their early eighties now. Nanny or Dad’s mum isn’t around much either, but Dad loves it when she’s here and he dotes on her hand and foot. Uncle Hux loves it too, you can tell they’ve been through a lot together.

But all of that washes to the back of my mind when I look over and see Aston wrap his arm around Amber’s shoulders and pull her close to him. He leans in kissing her head and I open my mouth wide and furrow my brows. I know that if they are seeing each other, he is allowed to do stuff like that, but he used to do that to me. Now I have to sit here and watch him do it to a woman I can’t stand.

I don’t think so!

I stand from the table, but everyone is too busy chatting to notice. I stay motionless for a second or two just looking at Aston, and Amber turns her head and leans in kissing him on the lips. My hand rushes to my mouth and I let out a small gasp as the pain rips through my black soul.

I can’t do this.

I need to get out of here now!

I take one last look at Aston and his eyes finally find mine. I feel a spark shoot through me as I stare into his eyes and he looks lost, that glimmer that was always in them isn’t there anymore and it breaks my heart. My eyes fill with tears and he furrows his brows and frowns at me. Amber says something to him and he takes his eyes from me and the connection is gone with it. I turn around and run out of the gazebo crying, yet again, and I make my way back down to our tree. This time I really know he’s gone. He was looking right at me, I felt the spark, but his eyes showed he didn’t, and the way he looked away from me said everything I needed to know.

I feel utterly cold again when I get to the willow tree. I sit down in my usual spot and start to shake with the chill in the air. Seeing as I am only wearing a dress, it’s no wonder I’m freezing out here. My tears aren’t as hard as last time, but they still flow for the loss of someone so special to me. Even though we’ve been strangers for the last twenty-one months, it doesn’t mean I don’t miss him like crazy!

I sniff and look back toward the party to see someone walking across the grass toward me. I quickly wipe my eyes and sniff back, so they don’t know that I’ve been crying. I try to focus my eyes by blinking hard to see who it is. It’s a man, probably Dad. Then I see the shaggy hair and the leather jacket and then I feel the hairs on my arms raise and a tingle shoot through my very soul.

It’s Aston and he’s alone.

I try my hardest to stop the tears as he walks across to me. “Are you crying?” he asks as he stops in front of me.

“What’s it to you?” I say back defensively.

He throws his hands into the air and huffs in frustration. “Jesus Annie, when are you going to forgive me? I didn’t mean to take advantage of you that night, and you’ve hated me ever since. I don’t know how to fix this!” he says and I furrow my brows in confusion.

“You didn’t take advantage of me if anything I took advantage of you that night and then I freaked out.”

“Why?”

I shrug. “Because you were my best friend and I was scared Aston. I thought you lied to me about what you said.”

“So you regret what we did?” he asks folding his arms over his chest.

“No, I don’t, not for one second. But it doesn’t matter now anyway, you have another girlfriend,” I say and wipe the stray tear that’s fallen down my cheek.

“What the fuck Annie?” he yells and I jump slightly as Aston has never yelled at me before. He runs his fingers through his hair and turns away from me. “I told you I loved you. I meant it and you ignored me for nearly two years, and now you’re upset because I have a girlfriend?” he asks still with a raised voice.

“I know what I did was wrong, and it took seeing you with someone else to realise that… I love you too,” I say honestly and stand up next to him. He turns around to face me, and we’re so close I can feel the electricity pulsing between us.

He shakes his head and turns away from me, his breathing is rushed and harsh like he’s having trouble holding it together. I know, because that’s exactly how I feel right now.

“It’s too late, Annie. You practically made out like I didn’t exist and I gave up. I’m sorry, but you took too long,” he says and it’s like a knife stabs me right in the chest and then twists slowly and painfully. I can’t hold the tears in any longer as they start to fall. His back is still toward me and I can’t see his expression. He sniffs and I reach out to touch him, but as I do he walks away before I reach him.

“Aston?” I call out, he hesitates but then keeps walking away and he doesn’t turn around or look back at me.

I fall to the ground and cry into my hands, knowing I have one hundred percent, well and truly fucked this up. I spend most of the night shivering in a ball under our tree. I can hear the music and laughter coming from the party, but I don’t care about that. I just hope everyone is having fun without me. I somehow find the will power to stand up. I feel a little groggy from all the emotion tonight and the two glasses of champagne and no food. So I stumble slightly, but steady myself and start the walk back to the party. I know I look like shit, but I don’t care. I get to the back of the gazebo and sneak into the back of the bar and steal a bottle of bourbon. I need to forget about tonight and I need to do it alone. I take my bottle and walk up the stairs to the kitchen door and open it, as I walk in Amber walks toward me and looks me up and down.

“Jesus Annie, are you okay? You look terrible?”

I scoff and keep walking, ignoring her as I make my way to my bedroom to wallow and drink myself into oblivion.

 

***

 

The next day I wake up with one killer headache and an upset stomach. I managed to down one-third of the bottle of bourbon before I blacked out. My memory is vague and I remember bits and pieces, but the one thing I remember the most is Aston walking away from me. Something like that is hard to forget. I’m pretty sure Mum came in at some stage last night to check on me too, but I can’t remember what I said. Actually now that I think about it, I think she took the bottle of bourbon away from me. Oh well, at least I’m legally allowed to drink now, so that’s a plus.

I slowly get up from my bed and my stomach churns violently. My mouth floods with saliva and I open my eyes wide as I bring my hand to my mouth and race to the upstairs bathroom. I get there just in time to expel the contents of my stomach, which is pretty much just alcohol. My throat burns as I heave uncontrollably into the toilet.

The door opens behind me and I feel a calming hand on my back.

“Oh Annie,” Mum says and she pulls my hair back for me while I puke my guts up.

I start to cry and Mum sits down on the floor next to me as I finally stop heaving.

“It’s okay sweetheart, let all your tears out,” she says pulling me to her. I nuzzle into her and cry into her shoulder. “I think you need to lay off the booze, Annie,” she says and I nod and sniff as I wipe away my tears.

“I know, I’m sorry, Mum,” I say and she squeezes me tighter.

“It’s okay, but you need to talk to Dr. Ludwick about you and Aston. You’ve been avoiding it the last couple of months and I think seeing him with Amber last night really upset you. Well, that’s what I could make out from the slurred words and blubbering crying from last night.”

“Was I really bad? I can’t remember,” I say and she tilts her head to the side and exhales seeming disappointed.

“Annie, I know you’re sad about Aston, but getting drunk in your bedroom is not the answer. I didn’t tell your father that I found you in the state you were in. Instead, I told him you had a stomach bug and went to bed. If he knew you drank yourself stupid again, he would be beyond angry. So don’t tell him, but Annie promise me you won’t do it again?”

“I’m sorry, Mum.”

“Now, do you want to talk about it?”

“Not really,” I say and she frowns.

“Okay, but will you talk to Dr. Ludwick about it?”

I nod. She smiles and stands up leaning over me and flushes the toilet.

“Well, for now, I think I better get some fluid into you and some food, hey?”

“Fluid, yes, food, no,” I say and she smirks and wraps her arm around my shoulders.

 

***

 

It’s been two days since Dad’s party and yesterday was spent in bed hung over and today I’m feeling the full brunt of my miserable state. Dad left this morning for a press tour with the rest of Slayed. He’s flying out to Scotland to start on their new album. I know when he gets back there’s going to be talks of Staked producing a third album and going on that tour we were supposed to do. The idea of touring or even rehearsing with Aston, now seems like a stretch for me. Maybe I will have to pull out of the band and just work at a supermarket or something.

I look up at the clock and it’s eight p.m. I’m sitting in front of the television bored out of my brain and Ella is sitting next to me painting her nails, when a flash of brilliance strikes me.

“Let’s go out,” I say and she looks at me raising an eyebrow.

“What, now?” she asks and I nod as excitement flows through me. I really want to stop wallowing and have some fun.

“Well, where do you want to go?” she asks and then blows on her wet nails.

“I don’t know to a club or something?”

“Really? Okay. What will we tell Mum?” she asks and I see a glimmer of excitement in her eyes.

“That we’re having a girl’s night at the movies or something?”

“Perfect, let’s get dressed.”

We both jump up and run upstairs to our rooms. I get dressed in a nice top and leather pants. I don’t want to look too dressy because we need to look like we’re going to the movies in our quiet little town where no one will recognise us. I rush into Ella’s room and she’s still trying on dresses.

“C’mon Ella, that one will do.”

“I was thinking the black one too,” she says and pulls it over her head. She slips into her flats and we walk downstairs and into the lounge room where Mum is now sitting eating some popcorn.

“Hey girls, I thought we could have a movie night,” she says and then looks back at us all dressed up. “But I think you’re overdressed.”

“We thought we’d have a movie night, and go and see that new slasher flick,” Ella says and Mum nods.

“Okay well, I’ll just go and get dressed and I’ll take us out—”

“Actually Mum, me and Ella just want some sister bonding time if that’s okay?”

“Yep, no worries, I’ll just sit here all on my lonesome and watch something with the dogs on my lap… no biggie,” she says and I smile.

“Thanks Mum,” Ella says as we grab our coats and head out toward the front door.

“Have fun girls, don’t be home too late. Call me if anyone recognises you and I’ll have security with you as soon as possible,” Mum calls out and we grab the car keys and race out the front door.

“I’m driving,” Ella says and I chuckle.

“Sure, means I can drink.”

“Don’t drink too much, okay?”

I roll my eyes. “Yes, Mum.”

She shakes her head as we get in the car. We head into London and after an hour and a half drive, we find a small club on the outskirts of the city. Ella parks the car and we get out and walk toward the lineup. We go to queue, but the bouncer waves at us. I look at Ella and she shrugs.

“You ladies can go through, head on up to VIP. I’ll radio ahead let them know you’re coming,” he says and we smile at each other and Ella squeals slightly. We walk into the club and it smells like alcohol and sweat. It’s gross, and it’s really loud and people are dancing like sluts all around us. We head up the stairs and the bouncer lets us in.

“Good evening Miss Slade,” he says to us both and we both smile as we walk in. Sometimes being famous does have its perks.

“Let’s get a drink,” Ella yells in my ear and I nod.

We walk up to the bar and I turn around looking out into the crowd. One person stands out. He has short black hair and is very muscular. He has lots of ink and those ear gauges and he looks just like the distraction I need right now.

I have my prey in sight and this tiger is ready to roar!