Eddy, my new bodyguard, is a far cry from the hunk of a man that is Brax. Eddy is five-foot-four, so short for a man. He’s stocky, not fat, but very heavy set and his age is a constant joke between Jayce and me. Jayce guesses between forty-five to fifty-years-old. I think he’s a harsh critic. I think Eddy’s more like forty to forty-five, maybe.

Either way, there’s no chance of a romance blossoming between us. He does his job well. His muscles have muscles, and he has this look about him that if you were to take one wrong step he’d snap your neck. The constant scowl is a dead giveaway that he’s a tough man inside and out. I think in the past two months that I’ve been on tour with him while Brax has been off in recovery, Eddy’s said maybe five words to me. Literally, five words.

But I do feel safe with him, and even though I miss Brax terribly, Eddy has been keeping me well protected from the chaos around me. The tour is running smoothly and Hunter is really pleased with our progress. He even said that there’s been some chatter in the industry about Red Velvet. Our name is getting out there again, and hopefully soon, we’ll be making it bigger and better than just your average pub gigs. I’d love nothing more than to be playing to a packed out stadium.

Missing Brax has been hard. I talk to him every day and check in on his progress. Apparently, he’s doing well and his night terrors are becoming less and less. He’s been in the hospital a few times—to perform sleep studies to watch what happens—so they can find better treatments. He says the yoga before bed is helping him sleep, and he feels more rested which is always a good thing. His therapy is going well, although he says it’s tough going over all the things he went through in the Army. He hates rehashing over it all, but the doctors say talking about it will gain results. And that mixed with the cognitive behavioral therapy and medication, well, things seem to be working for him. I’m so happy he’s getting the help he needs.

But while he’s been gone I’ve needed comfort. I miss Brax so much I just need to have a cuddle every now and then to tide me over. So I’ve been turning to Mason. I know it’s bad, but I go to him when I’m missing the warmth of Brax. Generally, after I text Brax I go to Mase to feel the connection I need to feel with Brax. It’s just hugging, and Mason doesn’t know that’s why I’m seeking comfort from him. I feel bad for using him that way, but he doesn’t seem to mind.

It’s the beginning of November, the stifling chill of the coming winter is in the air and I can’t help but let my mind wander to next month.

December.

To December 25th to be exact.

Christmas Day.

The day my mother died.

The day my anxiety started, and the day my world starting falling apart. It completely fell apart when Aston left me. Then when I found out I was pregnant with Charli, life began to have meaning. But finding Brax that was when the world started to make sense again.

Now that Christmas is looming, my body is riddled with tension and I know Hunter is feeling the impending anniversary too. He’s moody and quieter than normal, and with the passing of our mother on both our minds, the constant reminder of Christmas everywhere with tinsel and baubles ordaining every lamp post on every corner, is just making us both on edge. You’d think after five years it would get easier.

Nope!

Every year it still hurts.

I wish I could do the right thing for Charli and make Christmas special for her, but I just can’t bring myself to enjoy the day that took my mother from me.

Sitting in my hotel room moping isn’t doing me any good. I miss Brax and we didn’t have a concert tonight, so the guys went off to have dinner. I’ve decided to stay in and read on my Kindle and spend the night with Charli, who’s now in bed while I sit here and contemplate what Brax might be doing right now. So I decide to message him. It’s only 11:30 p.m. Hopefully, he’s still awake. Leaning over my muscles stretch as I reach for my phone on the bedside table. I unplug it from the charger and type out a simple text message to Brax. I figure that way if he’s asleep, it won’t wake him like a phone call will.

 

Me: So I’m sitting in my hotel room all alone and I can’t stop thinking of you. The other thing I can’t stop thinking about is Christmas and how it’s coming up soon. I wish this pain in my chest would stop…

 

I sniff back as I exhale thinking about Mum again, and I shake my head willing myself not to cry. I’m too strong for that now. I lay back on the bed, the harder than normal mattress making my back crack as I shuffle down. My phone vibrates in my hand and I bring it up to my face to see the message reply from Brax.

 

Brax: I was just thinking of you, too. I’m lying in bed wishing you were with me. As for Christmas, I know it’s a hard time for you and I can only image what it must be like, but maybe this year you should get out of the house and spend Christmas with people? Don’t spend it alone and wallowing, be around others and let them take care of you and support you, maybe distract you? It would be good for Charli too. Just an idea…

 

I gnaw on my bottom lip and nod. It doesn’t sound like a bad idea at all. Being around people would be a good distraction. I just have to figure out who.

 

Me: That’s a good idea, I’ll have to think of someone to hang out with. Not sure who’ll be available. I’m not sure someone will babysit me on such an important day :)

 

I smile trying to rack my brain of who I could possibly spend Christmas with. I would spend it with Brax, but he’s going to Aberdeen to be with his family and I don’t want to intrude on his families time together. I could go with Mason and spend time with him and his family, but that’s not a good idea—they aren’t the nicest of people. They’re not exactly law-abiding citizens, and I honestly don’t want Charli around them. Mason’s dad is high up in the underworld activities in England and is basically a mob lord. His mother follows and does whatever she’s told, and Mason is the outcast because he chose to be a rock star instead of following in his father’s footsteps and taking on the family name. Mason still talks to his family, but I know their relationship is strained. Mase’s parents have met Charli twice, and they have a hatred for me that runs deep because I was the reason he joined the band and left home in the first place. If it weren't for me, Mason would be a messenger boy for the English mafia and living an entirely different lifestyle to the one he is now. And to be honest, I don’t think he would be cut out for that life anyway. He’s a big squishy teddy bear underneath all the tattoos and cocky behaviour.

 

Brax: I’m sure someone will fill in the position. How’s your day been? You didn’t have a gig tonight did you?

 

I smile reading the text, and as I go to reply my phone rings startling me. Jumping slightly on the bed, I swipe the screen to answer the call from Hunter.

“Hunt? Are you okay?” I ask wondering why he’s calling so late at night.

“Amber, you have to wake Clara and get her to watch Charli. I need you to come down here!” His voice is gruff and his tone clipped like he’s majorly pissed off.

Furrowing my brows, I sit up on the bed wondering what the hell he’s on about. “Come down where? Where are you?”

He exhales and pauses briefly. “The Cardiff Police Station—”

My eyes bulge out of my head. “What? Why?” My heart begins to race as I stand from the bed abruptly and start to pace the floor. My feet like lead weights pounding the carpet.

“Mason, Jayce, and Cooper have all been arrested. I got called to come down and sort them out.”

“Arrested for what Hunter?” My voice is low and raspy as I try not to panic.

“Just come down now, and I’ll fill you in when you get here.” He hangs up the phone without saying another word. My heart is racing faster than a freight train through my chest and my head is throbbing with each pound of my heart.

“Fucking hell!” I shake my head and dial Clara’s number.

 

***

 

My ankles hurt from the force of my weighted steps that are pounding furiously on the pavement. I slam the Cardiff police door open and storm inside looking for my bandmates. I swear if steam could vent from my ears and nostrils, it would be by now. Hunter walks out from behind a partition and I open my eyes wide and walk over to him.

“Hunter!” I call out obscenely loud, gaining the entire office’s attention.

His head swings up and he looks in my direction, his shoulders slumping when he registers and he walks toward me. “Amber, these guys will be the death of me,” he admits and I throw my hands in the air in frustration.

“What the fuck is going on?”

He runs his hand through his short brown hair and shakes his head. “The guys had a massive party, the cops were called and they arrested them…There were drugs on the premises, Amber.”

“What!” My eyes practically fall out of their sockets as my blood pressure spikes. My fists close into tight balls, so tight my nails dig into my palms.

“Mr. Montgomery, the three men have been let off with a warning. The amount of drugs found on them wasn’t enough to charge or hold them, so they’ll be out shortly,” an officer says from behind the desk.

My blood is boiling and I can’t wait to get my hands on Mason so I can kill him myself.

“Thanks, officer.”

I shake my head again more in disbelief than anything. “When did this all go down?” I ask.

“About an hour ago, when I got the phone call they’d been arrested. I didn’t want to tell you until they had been processed.”

I exhale and run my fingers through my hair trying to take in all this information. I can’t believe Mason could be so stupid. Cooper yes, Jayce definitely, but Mase? He has a daughter to worry about, he can’t be doing things that could land him in prison! A buzzer sounds and I turn to see a large door opening and a policeman walking out with a very sorry looking Cooper, Jayce and Mason. My anger bubbles to the surface again as my body flushes red hot. I walk over to them with Hunter. Each step I take my anger builds and builds feeling like it might explode at any second.

“How could you be so utterly stupid?” I yell loudly right in Mason’s face. His eyes don’t reach mine as they are half shut while he gazes at the floor sleepily.

He doesn’t react and it only enrages me further, so I move my arms out and push his shoulders hard. He stumbles back and finally looks up at me. His eyes are glassy and he looks vacant. My lip curls up in disgust and my stomach twists on itself.

“I was trying to have a little fun.”

My eyes open wide. “Fun? Fun! You’re a father, you can’t be involved with drugs. I thought you were smarter than this?” I say jabbing my finger into his shoulder forcefully.

He flinches with each jab but doesn’t try to stop me. “I was just partying with the boys, at least they’re not fake about wanting my attention.” I gulp at his words and take a step back gnawing on my bottom lip.

The harsh breaths through my nose are loud as the air whooshes in and out. “I expect this from Cooper, I certainly expect it from Jayce, but not you Mason. I’m so angry I can’t even express it, let alone look at you anymore.” I turn and storm out of the police station. I don’t even check to see if they’re following behind me. My heart is thrashing in my chest at the words spoken by Mason.

Did he get wasted because I’ve been showing him affection, and he knows it’s only because I’m missing someone else?

That would be hard to take, and if he has figured it out and went all wild child because of me, then I need to sort my shit out and now!

Stepping up to the curb, I wave down a taxi and it screeches to a halt. I wince at the noise as a hand caresses my lower back. I turn to see Mase and I purse my lips at him furrowing my eyebrows. He instantly lets me go as we all file into the cab, and I slam the door shut behind me. Hunter tells the driver where to go. I’m squished in next to Mason and he’s completely drunk. I can smell the stale alcohol oozing from his pores, and the glassy look in his eyes tells me he’s still flying high on that kite in the sky.

Stupid jerk!

I have to admit I’m worried about him. His head flops to the side as the taxi pulls over a bump, and he hiccups as Cooper and Jayce start to sing their version of ‘Summer Nights’ from the movie Grease. Shaking my head, I pull out my phone to message Clara and see if she can stay with Charli the night. I can’t let Mase be on his own like this. I don’t want him to choke on his own vomit or something equally as stupid. Clara replies that she’s happy to stay in my room with Charli while I tend to her imbecilic father.

As we make our way from the taxi and into the hotel and toward Mason’s suite, he watches me as I lean against him helping him walk to his room.

“Helping me to my room, sweet pea?”

“I’m going to stay with you. Make sure you don’t die or anything stupid like that,” I say as Hunter looks at me raising his eyebrow.

“You’re gonna take care of me?” Mase slurs and I look up at him and smile even though his alcohol breath is really off putting.

“Someone has to.”

“Amber, I have my phone with me if you need me. Any time at all. Don’t put up with anything you don’t want, okay?” Hunter says and I nod as Mase scoffs.

“She doesn’t want me. She’s still lusting after Braxton Hicks, right love?”

I roll my eyes and search his pockets for his room key. As I find it, he grins at me feeling him up as open the door.

“Amber—”

“I know. I’ll be careful,” I interrupt Hunter as I walk through Mase’s door with him attached to me. I don’t look back, I don’t want to see Hunter’s judgemental eyes on me. I know he thinks I should leave Mase to fend for himself, but if something happened to him, I couldn’t handle it. I couldn’t do that to Charli. She needs her dad. We stumble into the bedroom and I position him standing upright near the bed. Grabbing the hem of his shirt, I lift it over his head and his eyes light up.

“Hey, don’t look at me like that. I’m putting you to bed. That’s it! You’re on my shit list tonight.”

He chuckles and moves his hands to his jeans and starts to undo them.

“Okay, okay. I get it. Thanks for watching out for me.”

“I’m doing this for Charli,” I say grabbing his hands as he starts removing his briefs. “They stay on!”

“Oh, right.” He chuckles and looks at me smiling like a Cheshire cat. His eyes glaze over so much I wonder if he will remember any of this in the morning. I huff and push his chest making him fall backward onto the bed. He chuckles again and rubs his face.

“You’re funny when you’re bossy,” he says. I scoff and pull my jumper off followed by my shoes and jeans, so I’m left in my underwear and camisole.

His hands come away from his face and his eyes light up when he takes in my naked legs.

“Hey, don’t look at me like that, remember?” I berate and he exhales and huffs lying back down on the bed and shaking his head.

“You make not being in love with you tough, you know that?” he murmurs and I tense up wondering if sleeping in the same bed as him is a bad idea. “Come here, you’re not sleeping on the lounge,” he says as if to read my mind.

I slide under the sheets and he pulls me into his side. I decide not to fight it, and to just cuddle into his side, it saves any arguments. I rest my head on his chest and the gentle rise and fall of his chest is soothing in a way. He nuzzles into my hair and inhales then leans in kissing my head. I tense slightly hoping he doesn’t start taking this further.

“Go to sleep.” It’s more of a demand than a request. I don’t want to spend the night in an awkward state where he’s dreaming of us being together and I’m trying to fight him off.

“I can’t, I’m wide awake.”

I look up at him and furrow my eyebrows. “Well then, you shouldn’t have taken drugs should you?”

He grins and tilts his head. “Touché.” He grins again and leans in kissing my forehead. I rest my head back down on his chest. “I love this feeling—”

“Drugs are not something you should love—”

“No, being in bed with you in my arms.”

I pause as my entire body goes rigid. “It doesn’t mean anything, Mase. I just want my baby’s father to be alive in the morning.” I don’t want to sound harsh, but I don’t want him to read anything more into this than me taking care of him. Surprisingly, he chuckles which shocks me and I look up at him seeing he’s actually amused by my statement.

“What?” I ask.

“You must like me a little bit?”

I giggle and shake my head. “Of course, I like you. But this, what’s happening right now, it doesn’t mean anything Mase.”

“Of course not,” he says, his rough, calloused fingers grab my chin and force me to look up at him. I look into his eyes and they’re bloodshot, but I can see nothing but love oozing from them. I think of Brax and how I wish I could be looking at him. How I wish he were looking at me the way Mase is right now, and I get lost in the thought when Mase leans down and plants his lips to mine. My eyes open wide in shock. I hesitate lingering on his lips longer than I should, but I soon realise that I’m thinking of Brax. I’m wishing I was kissing Brax and lying in his arms, instead of a drunk and high Mason. I quickly pull back and swallow hard as Mason grins at me widely.

“See, I knew you liked me,” he says resting his head back on the pillow seeming satisfied with himself.

My heart is racing a million miles a minute and I feel sick to my stomach. I don’t know why I let that happen. I miss Brax so much and I’m vulnerable, but I never should have let Mase kiss me like that. I bring my head back down onto Mase’s chest to try and stop him from seeing the tears forming in my eyes.

“Maybe I can sleep after all,” he murmurs and I can only just hear it through the ringing in my ears. My blood pressure is sky high and I feel like a fine sweat beading all over my body.

Mason’s deep breathing relaxes me letting me know he’s asleep. I mentally slap myself for letting this go way too far, and my thoughts go to Brax and whether I should tell him what happened tonight or not.