Caleb

 

I roll over in bed with a pounding headache and an ache in my chest that won’t subside. Watching Indi drive off like that was a torture I never want to witness again. Seeing her that upset makes me feel physically ill especially knowing I did that to her. I know I won’t ever forgive myself for making her feel that way. And there’s no backing out or denying that I fucked up.

I did, it was a massive fuck up.

I slept with someone else.

Yes, Indi and I weren’t together at the time, and she was messing with my head with her mixed signals, but that didn’t give me the right to fuck some crazy whore just minutes after I was going to make love to Indi. Nothing I can do can change that fact, and I’ve kicked myself the entire way home. I walked to my house with her giant pink teddy in the rain.

The thunderclouds echoed through the sky sounding like my heart against my chest. I’ve made the biggest mistake of my life. At least with Maddie I stopped myself from taking things further, this time I didn’t. And honestly, I deserve the pain I’m in right now, but Indi doesn’t. She doesn’t deserve any of this and I really wish I could do something to take her pain away. I wish I could call her and make her see that I was drunk and confused and it was a mistake of epic proportions. I wish she would forgive me, but I know that’s never going to happen. She won’t forgive me for this, and honestly I absolutely should not be forgiven.

I will give her the time she needs. I know she doesn’t want to see me or talk to me right now, so I’m going to let her have the time, even though it is killing me not being with her right now. I roll over and look at the clock to see it’s nearly ten in the morning. My sleep was very erratic and I’m not really sure I slept at all, or for longer than an hour at a time. I miss her. I miss her smell. I miss her smile. I miss that giggle, and the way she would snuggle into me on the lounge. I miss everything about her, and I’ve only been without her for a night. How will I cope if this goes on for another six years, or God forbid a lifetime? I run my hands over my face trying to rub off the remnants of my horror. It doesn’t work.

I slowly sit up in bed and look around my room remembering the last time she was here. I can still smell her, her flowery scent invading my senses. It’s driving me crazy. I stand up and walk over to my laptop to check my emails to try and distract myself from thoughts of wanting to call her. I walk in and sit down on the lounge suite naked and open my laptop on the coffee table. I go to Facebook and see a million messages – I tend to be getting more and more from new fans. I think I need to make my account more private to stop the fans from seeing my private stuff. Maybe I need a page just for the band? I ignore the messages and click onto the daily music news site to see what’s happening in the charts and as I scroll down, I see an image of Indi’s house. I scrunch my eyebrows and scroll back to check it out and read the article. My eyes bulge out of their sockets as it goes into great detail about Indi and me and all about her parents. It shows her house and photos of her in her pyjamas answering the door, looking like she’s been crying for hours.

My chest is heaving, and I can’t believe what I am reading. This would be breaking Indi’s heart and I had no idea about it. How the hell do they even know any of this stuff? I click on the links and it takes me to another site where it has the original story about Indi breaking my heart, and that it will boost my career because I will write awesome heartbreak songs. It has comments from fans saying they’re worried I’ll leave Staked and not sing anymore because she broke my heart and that they will support me in any way.

What the hell does that even mean?

My heart is racing fast and I’m gnawing on my bottom lip so much it’s hurting, but I can’t seem to stop reading. The things they’re saying about Indi are horrible and completely untrue. There’s one story here from an hour ago saying she broke up with me to become a lesbian, and it has a picture of her with some girl that I don’t know.

What the hell?

This is crazy!

I know I said I would give her time, but I need to know she’s okay. I can’t sit idly by while this is happening to her. People and paparazzi are going to her home for crying out loud, that’s just not called for and absolutely my fault. I need to make sure she’s all right and that she knows I didn’t leak this stuff. I race into my bedroom, pick up my mobile and dial her number. I’m pretty sure she won’t answer my call, but at least I can leave a message.

It rings and rings and as I thought she doesn’t answer, but her voicemail is on.

“Indi, I know you don’t want to talk to me and please don’t delete this before you listen to it all. I didn’t leak the information, I promise you. I wouldn’t do that to you. Please let me try and fix this? Come over and we can try and figure something out, please Indi, I’m begging you. I love you. I always have. I always will. Let me help us out of this mess? Please come and see me, if not I’ll come to you. Just please call me, or text me something to let me know you’re okay. I just need to know you’re okay, baby, please,” I talk quickly.

I’m starting to feel emotional so I take a couple of breaths to calm myself down.

“I love you, okay? Just…call me,” I tell her and then hang up. I run my hand through my hair and pace the bedroom wondering what the hell am I supposed to do now? People have been hounding Indi all morning while I’ve been in bed moping. I’ve fucked up again! And how the hell did the press get all this information? Then it clicks. The night I called Sasha and she came over, I unloaded all my emotions and information onto her. I told her everything, every little detail. How the fuck could I have been so stupid? She was a complete stranger, and yet I told her the most intimate details of Indi’s life without thinking of the consequences just because I needed to vent.

“Fuck!” I yell and throw my phone across the room.

Lucky it has a cover otherwise it would now have a smashed screen. Something is building up inside of me and I’m not sure what it is. Maybe anger? Maybe sadness? I’m not sure maybe both, but something inside me cracks and I race back over to my phone and dial Sasha’s number. My breathing is fast and heavy as I pace the bedroom floor. My footsteps so heavy the thump of them is matching the thump of my heart against my chest. I’m raging hot, so hot that I have a bead of sweat running down my forehead.

She picks up after a couple of rings.

“Caleb, I knew you’d call—”

“What the fuck have you done?” I scream at her barely containing my rage as my entire body shakes with adrenalin.

“Excuse me?” she asks sounding shocked at my temper.

“Did you leak the story?” I ask lowering my voice.

She exhales and it only makes me angrier. “Caleb, she broke your heart.”

“No, Sasha, I broke hers. No, correction, you destroyed it! What the fuck are you playing at, huh?”

“Caleb, I just want what is best for you—”

“What’s best for me? What’s best for me? Oh my God, you are seriously delusional. How can you think breaking me and Indi up and then leaking everything I told you about our past to the press is what is fucking best for me?” I can’t help but yell the last part.

“Oh, stop with the yelling. It’s so melodramatic—”

“You think I’m melodramatic?” I yell again. I can’t seem to stop screaming at her.

“Yes Caleb, I think you’re been overly dramatic. I think you’re so caught up in the past you can’t see your future,” she says and I scoff and let out a surprised laugh.

“A future with you, right?” I ask rolling my eyes.

“You know it is how it’s going to go,” she replies and I run my hand through my hair and then rub the back of my neck.

“Listen, and listen good, Sasha sweetheart. I’ve never considered myself a man who could handle jail, okay.”

“What are you on about?” she asks with a chuckle.

I grit my teeth. “I’m saying that if you come near me or Indi or spread anything about us again, I can’t be held responsible for my actions. I don’t want to go to jail, Sasha, but when it comes to Indi, I will do anything to protect her. I don’t care if you’re a woman, if you come near me again I will put my hands around your scrawny pale little throat and choke the air from your neck until you gag out your last breath and your lifeless body falls flat to the ground. I’m no stranger to dead bodies, Sasha, so seeing yours wouldn’t affect me at all. You got me?” I ask meaning every single damn word.

The line is quiet and I can hear her fast breathing.

“You got me?” I yell for emphasis.

“Oh God, yes I got you. I’m sorry. Just please don’t hurt me. I never meant for—”

“I won’t hurt you, as long as you stay the fuck away from us and keep your fucking mouth shut,” I say through gritted teeth again. My heart pounds and I’m breathing so heavily out of my nose I can hear it reverberating through the phone line.

“Okay,” she says and then hangs up the phone.

I take a deep breath and rest my head against the wall and try to calm my erratically beating heart. I’m thinking only of Indi right now. The anger is ebbing and the emotion of it all is starting to overwhelm me. In the space of twenty-four hours, I was happily in love and in a relationship with the woman I’m meant to be with for the rest of my life, then I’ve had it ripped away from me by a crazy stalker. Then to top it off I’ve had Indi leave me in the worst way possible thinking I’ve cheated on her. Now I wake up to her news being the biggest story in the paper this morning. I can’t believe all this has happened, and right now I’m just feeling so over it. I just want Indi in my arms because I feel so lost without her.

My mouth dries up as I close my eyes. My heart is racing again and I’m breathing quickly as a burning behind my eyelids takes me by surprise. I swallow hard trying to moisten my mouth, but what happens instead is a sob escapes my mouth as the burning increases and then the hot tears fall like a river down my cheeks.

My tears take me by surprise, and I lean my head against the wall and cry for my lost relationship. I’m normally so strong. I’m so tough. Women come and go, and I treat them like they mean nothing to me.

So why can’t I just do that with Indi?

Because she’s the one who makes me weak. She’s the one who’s always been there and who I’ve treated like she means everything to me because she does mean everything to me. I start to cry really hard, and in frustration I bang my fist against the wall and slump my body into it needing the support to hold me up. I’m a mess without her and right now I feel so heavy. I wish I could take her pain away, but I know I can’t. She won’t let me because my woman is so fucking stubborn she won’t answer the God damned phone and hear me out. I turn around placing my back against the wall and pick up my phone off the floor that I hadn’t realised I’d dropped.

I dial Indi’s number again and hope like hell she answers even though I’m crying and will sound like a blubbering mess. I don’t care I just need to know she’s okay. It rings twice and then goes to voicemail. I wipe my cheeks and wait for my turn to speak.

“Indi, if you hear this please, please call me or just text me. Just a blank message to let me know you’re okay. I don’t care, send anything. I’m going insane over here. Actually, no, I’m coming over. Fuck giving you time. You’ve had hours. I’m getting dressed and coming over right now. I need to see you. Stay where you are, I’ll be there soon,” I say to message bank and throw the phone on the bed, wiping away my tears as my determination spurs me on. I get dressed quicker than I ever have, and make my way to my car. I don’t even remember how I drive to Indi’s, all I know is that I’m here now and banging on her door loudly, but no one is answering.

“Indi, please, I know you’re in there. Just come to the door and let me in,” I yell as I continue to pound like a mad man. I need to see her. I can’t go another minute without seeing her. I’m addicted to her, and I need another fix. The pull is that strong. I just need to know that she’s okay and then I’ll go. “Indi, just let me know you’re okay, and then I’ll go. But please, answer the door,” I yell out again and nothing.

I bang harder, but there’s no movement in the house and I’m starting to wonder if she has done something stupid and I need to knock the door down. I bang again and notice the next door neighbour’s door open and Mrs. Latham step out. She glares at me.

“You again,” she yells as I look over at her.

“Mrs. Latham, is Indi home?” I ask frantically rushing over to her. She purses her lips and shakes her head folding her arms across her chest.

“Well, because of you there was a lot of ruckus here this morning. People throwing eggs and what not,” she says and I furrow my brows and frown.

“What? What does that even mean?” I ask and she huffs.

“Well, that poor girl left with some lovely lady about an hour ago. She told me you would come by and to tell you she’s staying with a friend indefinitely, and not to contact her again. I think you’re on her shit-list young man. And to be perfectly honest, I can understand why. What with the long hair, and the yelling like a yahoo—”

“She’s moved out?” I ask as I stumble backward swallowing a lump in my throat.

“Seems like it, yes. Thanks for that, she was a lovely neighbour, and since you came along it’s all turned to shit.”

Her words feel like a freight train has rammed through me. If Indi has moved somewhere else and she doesn’t answer her phone, I may never get the chance to see her again. I stumble again and gasp as it hits me.

“Are you drunk?” Mrs. Latham asks while I stumble and stagger on the spot grasping at my chest.

My heart is thrashing so fast I can’t breathe and I have no idea what to do next. My plan isn’t working. I was going to see Indi and get this sorted, but now I have no idea where she is or who she’s with. I guess Kenzi, but that’s the only thing I know about her. I don’t even know her last name. I can’t see how I’m ever going to see my sweet Indi again. She has taken flight, just like she did six years ago and it’s killing me all over again. I stumble once more and fall to the ground clutching at my chest.

“Oh shit, are you having a stroke or something?” Mrs. Latham asks as she squats down beside me on the lawn while I panic and think of the loss I’m now suffering.

“I’ve lost her,” I murmur, and Mrs. Latham frowns and actually looks like she might be feeling sorry for me.

“Yes son, I think you might have. Are you okay? Do I need to call an ambulance?” she asks as I try to calm my breathing. I don’t want to freak her out anymore than I have.

“I’m sorry, no. I’ll be okay. I just need a minute…She’s really gone?” I ask and look up at Mrs. Latham with tears in my eyes.

She exhales and brings her hand up to caress my cheek. “I’m sorry, son, she’s really gone. She didn’t leave an address or number. I can see you really love her,” she says and then pats the top of my head. “Would you like to come in for a cup of tea or some water?” she asks suddenly changing her demeanour and not being quite so judgmental.

I shake my head. “No. Thank you, though. I should go. I need to…think…about what I’m gonna do now,” I say and she half-smiles and helps me stand.

“I’m sorry, son. I’m sorry I judged you. I hope you can find a happy place,” she says.

“Thanks, Mrs. Latham. If she comes back—”

“I’ll tell her you came by, and that she should talk to you. I promise I’ll put in a good word for you,” she says and I nod and lean in hugging her.

“Oh okay,” she says and embraces me back, and then I let go and walk back to my car without turning back. I can’t see Indi’s house again, it hurts too much. Right now, I need to go and talk this through with someone who knows me, and knows Indi just as well, and there’s only one person in the world who knows us both equally as well.

Dad.