The radio silence from Brax is killing me, and as I board the bus to drive the hour and fifty minutes to Dublin, I’m feeling really down. I wish he would just talk to me. I know he must feel bad about what happened, but that’s no reason to take it out on me.
Sitting down on the seat, I sink into the plush leather on my own while Clara takes care of Charli. She’s not on the bus yet, but as I look up Mason walks onboard and spots me. He strides up to where I’m sitting and his cologne hits me. It smells nice, but it doesn’t affect me like Brax’s does. All that happens is it makes me think of Brax and an ache develops in my chest, so I fold my arms over my chest and sink into the seat further.
Mason exhales and slides into the seat next to me. I can’t be bothered with him hitting on me right now, so I turn and look out the window. His warm hand rests on my knee and I exhale and slump my body.
“Amber, look I know you’re upset. I’m your friend. Talk to me.” The gentle tone of his voice warms me and I turn to face him. His eyebrows are scrunched together and he’s frowning like he might actually be worried about me.
Swallowing hard my chest tightens as I think of Brax and how I wish he were here just so I could talk to him. “I’m going to miss, Brax. I’m sorry to blurt that out to you of all people, but as you said we’re friends and I need someone to vent to,” I admit surprising even myself.
Mason nods and wraps his arm around my shoulders and pulls me to him in a comforting way, not at all in a flirtatious way. “Then I’m all ears, sweet pea, vent away.”
I glance up at him shocked that he’d want me to talk to him about another man, but we’ve been friends for a long time and I guess that counts for something.
Exhaling, I turn to face him and take a deep breath. “I didn’t even get to say goodbye, he just left. I feel like I mustn’t have meant anything to him if he was able to just leave without at least a goodbye, you know?” My chest tightens as my throat constricts trying to say the words.
He shakes his head and leans in caressing my face. “Amber, you’re worth more than that. If he didn’t say goodbye, then he’s the dick. Don’t think badly of yourself because of it. You’re amazing, don’t forget that. Ever.”
My tears fall down my cheeks as Mase gently wipes them away with his thumb. His eyes squint and his brows furrow as he watches me cry for another man.
“Amber, please don’t cry,” he whispers resting his forehead against mine. “He’s not worth it.”
But he is!
Swallowing hard, I close my eyes to fight off the closeness between Mase and me, and to stop the tears from continuing. I’m a complete and utter mess in my head right now. I need comfort. Mason is not the right person for that, but he’s here and doing a good job, so I let him in. Nuzzling my head into his neck, I cry into his shoulder.
“Just let it out, Amber. I’ll be here for you. I’m always here for you.” His hands rub up and down my back trying to ease me, but nothing is making me feel better. Brax is gone, and I feel empty again. He made me feel like there was something worth fighting for, other than Charli. Now I know that was a lie. He made me believe I could be happy again. Now, I know I’m destined to be alone forever. It’s how it should’ve always been. I should have never given in.
I stayed locked in Mason’s comforting arms for the entire journey to Dublin. Even though I’m probably sending him the wrong impression, I needed the comfort and I was glad he so willingly gave it to me. We’re walking up to the hotel rooms and Mason is holding onto Charli, who’s almost asleep. My crying has subsided and I feel numb now as my feet drag along the carpeted hallway. Arriving at my hotel door, I pull out my card and swipe it. Feeling a little nervous about Mason coming in, I know I’ve been sending him mixed messages on the way here. I just hope he doesn’t try anything because I’m positive my fragile heart couldn’t handle that. So I stop at the door and turn to look at him. He raises an eyebrow and tilts his head in question.
“I need to clear my head before the concert tonight, can you take Charli for a bit so I can have some alone time?”
He furrows his brows and winces slightly. It’s not often I ask for time without Charli. He nods and exhales. “Are you going to be okay, though?”
“Yeah, I just need some sleep. I didn’t sleep well last night, just need some catch-up hours.”
He nods again and I walk into my hotel room, turning back around to look at him while half-smiling. “Thank you, for listening, and for this.”
“You know I’d do anything for you, Amber.”
I swallow hard because I know that’s true. I nod and smile leaning out and kissing Charli’s sleepy head. Then quickly turn and close the door behind me feeling the breeze from the door’s movement wash over me. When the thud of the door sounds my body slumps and I exhale closing my eyes finally feeling like I can be myself for the first time since the incident with Brax. Walking slowing into my new bedroom, I walk to the bed and collapse onto the springy mattress, my body bouncing against the quilt. Taking a deep breath, I wish I could talk to Brax, I just want to know that he’s okay. Taking my arm away from my face, I move my hand into my jeans pocket and pull out my phone. I know my plight is probably useless, but I’m going to try anyway. I dial Brax’s number and bring the phone to my ear. My heart races frantically as the tone rings and rings, but there’s no answer. My chest squeezes tight when a woman’s voice, one that I’ve heard on so many other phone calls, tells me to leave a message. I wince wishing he had recorded his own voice message instead of the prerecorded one so I could at least listen to his voice. I jump slightly as the phone beeps loudly in my ear alerting me that it’s time to speak.
“Brax…God Brax, I miss you. I know you feel sorry about what happened. But you don’t have to avoid me…I want you to get some help. I don’t know how, but I know there’s something out there that can help with what you’re going through. I just wish you came and said goodbye, you owed me that much. Brax…I thought I was worth more than...well, nothing.” A sob escapes me as my head starts to pound in the same frantic beat as my heart. I fight the tears, I don’t want to cry again as I hang up the phone not able to speak anymore. I said all I could. He knows now that he’s hurt me more emotionally than physically. Not saying goodbye has broken something inside me and I feel like maybe I meant nothing to him. My trembling body shudders so much I start to feel sick as the ache in my chest is so tight I feel like I can’t breathe. I wish I could stop feeling so worthless. I wish I didn’t feel this way.
Needing something to take the edge off, I scurry off the bed and move over to my handbag pulling out my pill container. The pop of the lid detaching from the container as I unscrew it is like heaven to my ears. My body relaxes slightly at the sound as I slide two pills into my open palm. They dance on my skin as I breathe out in a shudder. Throwing them back into my mouth, I don’t even bother to find water as I fill my mouth with saliva and swallow them down whole. Traipsing back over to the bed as the sounds of my rushed breaths flow from my mouth, I climb in fully clothed and snuggle under the warmth of the blankets. I don’t even care that the curtains are wide open shining the bright autumn rays down on me. Curling up into a ball I rest my head on the soft down pillow sinking into it as much as I can and close my eyes wishing Brax’s arms were around me.
***
A loud knocking pulls me from my deep slumber. My muscles ache, my neck is sore and I open my eyes to see the dimming light of the setting sun out the window in its hues of pinks and yellow. If I weren't in such a bad mood, I’d look at it and think it was beautiful, but right now the beauty escapes me and makes me shudder. The knocking continues and I slowly get out of bed and drag my feet along the carpet toward the door. Pulling the door open is hard work as the weight of it hurts my tired muscles. Hunter watches me and his face falls when his eyes meet mine.
“You doing okay? You look like shit,” he says and steps up to me, I stand aside to let him in.
“I’m fine, just exhausted and emotionally drained from last night,” I say honestly and he pulls me to him as we walk into my room.
“I know you’re hurting emotionally and physically. Do you want me to cancel tonight’s gig?” I turn my eyes to look at his in shock. Hunter is not one to turn down a gig, so that means I must really look like shit if he’s offering an out.
“No, I’ll be fine. The distraction will be good—”
“Are you sure? You won’t have a bodyguard tonight.” His words hit me like a double-edged sword, not only because they mean that Brax isn’t here, but also because I’ll have no protection. Swallowing hard, I bite my bottom lip reconsidering my options. I want to pull out, but that would be quitting and I can’t let Aston’s fans and my depression beat me. No, I have to perform tonight.
“No, I want to play,” I admit and he smiles and hugs me tightly.
“You always were a fighter, little lamb.”
***
The venue is packed, and as we walk in the crowd is thick. Hunter is by my side the entire time taking on a pseudo bodyguard role until we find someone new. But I don’t want someone new. I want Brax. My tense shoulders only strain my already sore neck as my chest starts to tighten walking through the crowd. I don’t like the confined space and having so many people around me is unsettling when I don’t have my soldier on standby.
We all make our way to the stage. It’s big, forming a triangular shape in the corner of the room with an ample dance floor surrounding it. Stepping up the black steps lined with silver edging, my Madden Girl flats feel like lead weights against the hard surface. The guys all carry their instruments as Hunter carries my amp and mic set. All their muscles flexing will be giving the girls in here a great show as they walk on stage and start to set up around me.
I’m a little out of it. The pills I took earlier are beginning to wear off and the sound of people chatting and laughing is grinding my ears. Standing by the edge of the stage my heart starts to race as I look out at the sea of faces, some are looking up at me furrowing their brows like they recognise me. Folding my arms over my chest for comfort, I can feel my heart hammering away in my chest against my arm. I hate that I’m feeling anxious. I need to bring my A-game tonight, not lose my shit, which I feel like I’m close to doing.
“Hey Amber, you’re nothing but a relationship breaker.” A girl from the crowd calls out grabbing my attention. She was one of the one’s looking at me from before.
My chest tightens as I look at Hunter, who’s setting up my amp, but he didn’t hear. Shaking my head as I breathe rapidly through my nose, I turn away from the girl not giving her any fuel to light her fire.
“Annie and Aston are better off without you, you whore!”
My head flies back to look at her as my body tenses. It’s been a little while since an Astonie fan has heckled me, and to be honest, right now I can’t handle taking their shit.
I stare her down and place my hands on my hips glaring at her squinting my eyes. “Aston chose Annie, and they’re happily together now. Aston left me broken-hearted and a shell of who I was. He broke me, and yet I get all the blame in this? He’s the arsehole, not me, so shut the fuck up because you don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about you stupid fucking skank,” I yell back at her letting all my pent up rage surface.
Silence invades the pub as the crowd stops talking and all turn looking at me with their mouths agape. Mason’s heavy footsteps are all that can be heard as he walks up to me and places his hand on my shoulder. I flinch out of his grip not wanting any attention on me right now. My chest is heaving, I’m breathing so fast. My teeth squeak as they grind together while my palms start to ache from my nails digging into them as I ball my hands into fists. I’m so angry, and I’m so sick of being that girl, the girl that broke up the amazing Annie and Aston. I can’t do this anymore.
“Fuck this shit, I’m done.” Throwing my hands in the air, my thunderous footsteps are all that can be heard as I move to walk off the stage.
“Amber,” Mason calls out as I walk down the stairs toward the green room with my eyes burning. The crowd slowly start to talk amongst themselves again, probably discussing how Amber from Red Velvet lost it and is a complete wanker. Walking through the door I slam it shut behind me, the bang almost making me jump it’s so loud as I try to control my breathing. It’s rushed and harsh, my chest tightens, the walls start to close in on me and the ringing in my eardrums is so deafening I bring my hands up and cup them over my ears. Closing my eyes as my throat begins to tighten, I gasp for air. The door to the green room opens and I hear someone walking to me, but I don’t open my eyes to see who. Strong arms encase me and I collapse into them. Clinging to him tightly, he caresses me tenderly.
“Shh, it’s okay. That was really shit. I’ve had the security from the bar remove the girl who was harassing you.” Hunter’s voice soothes me slightly as I clutch onto him letting all the emotion of not only the past twenty-four hours but the past five years escape me.
“Why do they keep doing that? Aston and I were over nearly two years ago and yet they still blame me for their break up even though they’re happily together now. I’ll never understand diehard fans like that,” I murmur and Hunter nods.
“It’s shit, Amber. I know that if Aston could stop them from being the scum bitches they are, he would. He wouldn’t want this for you. He cared about you—”
“Yeah, he cared about me, but he didn’t love me.”
“No, he didn’t love you, and you have to remember you’re better off without him because being with someone who doesn’t love you would be terrible,” he says and I nod and sigh. I know he’s right and I know there’s life after Aston, Brax showed me that. Thinking about Brax makes me feel even worse. My stomach flips over and I close my eyes and inhale.
“Hey, hey, c’mon Amber don’t let her get you down,” Hunter says embracing me tightly.
“No, it’s not her, it’s just why when I finally think I might have found someone who may be worth the fight, they end up hurting me, leaving, and then ignoring me,” I admit and Hunter pulls back looking at me raising his eyebrow.
“Brax?” he asks and I nod. “You really like him?” I nod again. “Well, I got in touch with him this afternoon. He sounds terrible, Amber. He’s gone back to Richmond and is going into therapy. He said he knew he needed it, but was trying to deal with it on his own, but after hurting you he realised he needed to sort himself out. He’s getting help, he assured me. So don’t worry.”
I sniff and nod relaxing slightly, I’m glad he’s getting help. “Why couldn’t he tell me that himself?”
“I might have yelled at him on the phone and told him to keep away from you—”
“You what?” I yell.
“Amber, I was angry. It was in the heat of the moment. But I think it’s best he stays away for now and gets himself better first. Then maybe he can come back and see you.”
I shake my head, feeling a rumble inside me like I want to yell at Hunter and slap him, but I won’t. I know he’s just looking out for me.
“Well, can you call him back and tell him he can at least message me to tell me he’s doing okay?” I ask and he exhales.
“Yeah, I think he’s avoiding you not just because of me, but also because he’s so ashamed. He thinks you’re better off without him.”
I slump my body and sigh. “That’s not true.”
“For the moment Amber, it is. You need to focus on you, Charli, and the band, and he needs to concentrate on getting his health under control,” he says and I swallow hard and nod. “Do you think you can go back out there, or are you done for the night?” Hunter asks and I take a deep breath and straighten my shoulders. I’m not going to let one Debbie Downer ruin my career.
“I’m okay, let me fix my makeup and I’ll go out and perform my heart out,” I say and he smiles and grips my shoulders.
“There’s my little fighter. I’m proud of you, little lamb.”
“Thanks, I couldn’t have done this without you,” I say and turn to look at myself in the mirror. After adjusting myself, I head back out on stage to a waiting Mason, who glances at me sideways up through his lashes with hesitant eyes.
“Are you okay?” he whispers in my ear after I step up onto the stage.
I nod and smile. “Yeah, I’m okay now—”
“You sure, ‘cause I can sing if you need me to?” he asks and I smile and lean in kissing his cheek. He pulls back seeming slightly shocked at my action.
“I’m fine, I promise, thank you for looking out for me. You’re a great friend,” I say and walk past him toward the front of the stage.